Blue Sky/Green Sky Consulting

Bully- The New Definition

2012-02-13T12:29:00.000-05:00

Growing up I was "picked on" notoriously. There was the kid who threatened to kill me because he didn't like my mail box, the era of the "anonymous" messages on my answering machine, and name calling and "practical jokes," that cut deep. Funny thing was I just thought it was a regular part of growing up. It wasn't until just about a year ago that it dawned on me that I was the brunt of bullies.

I mean no one ever shook me down for my milk money. No one ever stuck my head in a toilet. No one ever gave me an "atomic wedgie." Yet, I can remember many, many days with a sick feeling in my stomach that caused me to not want to go to school to face these tormenting peers.

Fast forward to a small group I was running a couple of weeks ago. One of my girls made the statement, "I don't get the big deal about bullying. I don't ever see anyone get shoved into a locker." The other kids in the group, shook their heads in agreement. To them a "bully" was someone who attacked you physically. This was an "aha"moment for me. In the urban environment protecting yourself physically is a way of life. Someone gets in your face and you are taught to get in theirs. The "traditional" thoughts of bullying simply don't feel like they apply. So I posed this question, "Have you ever had to deal with drama at school? " All of the kids answered "Of course." "All right then," I went on, "How many of you have ever had to deal with drama that doesn't go away? Someone is just at you over and again, until you don't know what to do about it? Drama that goes on for so long, and you feel helpless to stop it so you want to avoid school." Many of the kids nodded, "Oh yeah, that has happened before." "I would contend then that if you have experienced this or seen it happen to a friend then this is the new face of bullying." A light dawned for them. The meaning to that word suddenly changed.

This word keeps gracing the airwaves. There are campaigns like the "Pink Shirt Day,"(coming up on Wednesday, February 29th) that bring awareness and support to fighting the topic. Yes, sexual harassment and physical attacks still help us understand the word. However, I would say equally insidious is peer harassment. We have come to understand the face of this phenomena in technology with defining the term "Cyber-Bullying." Continued pain inflicted on Face Book is just as damaging as any fist to the eye. A "bully" no longer has to inflict physical harm to do damage.

No one in "authority" seems to be able to agree on what to do about the topic. Sure someone puts their hands on you and that is an easy response. Yet, what do we do about the other accounts? Recently I read an article by a school principle who made the point that their school has a "zero tolerance policy, " and "every reported incident is investigated thoroughly." However, he followed with pointing out that sometimes, "kids will just be kids and it is part of growing up to learn to deal with conflict." This made me think about the time that I tried to talk to my middle school Science teacher about the girl who sat next to me in class. She would steal and break my pencils everyday so that I could "learn what she would do to me later." My teachers response was that I just needed to learn that dealing with difficult people was a part of life. Thankfully, I had others who did believe me. Yet, I think of the kids around the country who struggle silently. They don't want to be the "snitch." They think there is something wrong with them because no matter how hard they try sticks, stones and words are crushing them. Hope dries up. We wonder why a generation is cutting or worse killing themselves?

Worse yet, is this phenomena has become so subtle students live in fear of being the next victim. I work with two students who fit this category. One has had to deal with teasing. As far as I can get out of him, I'm not sure if it has crossed the line to something more. Yet, as a young Middle Schooler, he lives in panic every day that it will. This young man exists in a constant state of anxiety. What if today is the day that the jabs turn into a consistent persecution? Another young lady that I work with tries desperately to just "fly below the radar." A good friend of hers has been the brunt of a bully. On the one hand, she is the first to stand up for her young friend. She will tell, the other girls that call her names that it isn't right. For herself though, she must maintain a constant state of perfectionism. What if someone observes her flaws as well? For both of these kids the potential of bullying is just as notorious as living through it.

Whatever it is I think it is time that those of us on the front lines with kids start doing something. I would argue that it begins with changing the definition. I don't mean this as an exercise in avoiding the actual subject. I am serious, let's change the wording. Let's move away from merely images of kids getting the shake down. Let's use a phrase that deals with the chipping away at your soul that happens through the words spit in venom.

Going to school between 6th and 12th grade can feel like jumping ship into a river of piranhas, on a daily basis. That is the nature of those years. It is all about status and survival. However, there is a dark undercurrent that we must recognize. There is "more to it."

A couple of friends of mine proposed the statement, "peer harassment." It is a much better wording. If this definition can change I think those of us on the front lines with kids will change our approach as a whole.

Here is what I believe will be different:

Listening and Responding:

Really listening, between the lines hearing what is being said. We must let students know that they are not "weak" if they "can't handle it." No one can. We all need help. That's all right. "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger," is not always a truth. For some kids the wounds run so deep it does indeed cause them to take their own lives.

Avoid Telling Students What They Feel:

We need to stop telling students when it shouldn't bother them. "Oh, those kids are just jealous of you," is our common response. Maybe. Knowing why you are getting hurt doesn't make the pain go away. Not every student will be able to "handle it." Our empathy must rise, and we must stop pushing their feelings aside. Letting the victims know that their pain matters is a first step. Then we can teach them how to navigate these waters.

Recognize There Are Rarely Simple Solutions:

Students put hands on another student and they end up suspended. On some occasions they are even expelled. However, when you are the student who stands up for "what is right" in these delicate years, it can open "Pandora's box." Yes, the "bully" is gone. Now you deal with glares of some who wonder why you "made waves?" Disney teen sitcoms, would argue we can all laugh it off or stand up for ourselves and it will be fine. Sometimes it isn't that simple. Believe me, I like quick and simple solutions. But, I think of a gay 19 year old who recently took his life. He was picked on from about 5 years old for being effeminate. Then before he ever "came out of the closet" he was called horrific names. His parents thought he was demonized and attempted an exorcism on him. Supposedly he "got over it." He even participated in the "It Gets Better" campaign with a video for other gay teens. The acts against him ended. The wounds were left oozing and bleeding. The ghosts of all of those years caught up with him and he took his life. Actions ended. The agony didn't. This is what I call a "stinky onion issue." The more layers we peel away the more it smells, assaults our senses, and makes us cry. No one "formula" will make is all go "poof." It is about learning to undo, all the "layers."

Teach the Power of Hope:

I think to all of the mighty insecurities I still have in check from my years at the hands of multiple bullies. There wasn't just one kid who needed to "move away." Instead, I was left trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It's a question I still ask in situations where I am "too much," or "not enough." During those years people would say the words, "Just go to Jesus." I had no idea what that meant. If I was too wretched for my peers, why would the Creator of the Universe, want to have anything to do with me? That was until out of desperation I sought him. What happens to those in the midst of bullying is that they are stripped of hope. They can't see the Lord, he feels too far away. Sometimes our role is to simply hold someone close and let them know there is peace in the storm. All is not lost. There is one who won't leave you. Sometimes, when they don't know the way, we have to show them. This happens through crying with them, holding them close and whispering words of truth.

If you are like me this topic leaves you speechless. When those closest to me have lived through the rough moments, all I have is love to offer. All of the training in the world still leaves me feeling like I don't know what to do. Some friends and I are more convinced than ever that there is a starting place. Let's call it what it is. Gone are the days of charactures in teen movies of the "mean kids." Yes, we love the exhilaration of triumph in the last moments when they "get theirs." Rarely is that "real life." So a new campaign must begin. Changing the words is not semantics, it causes those of us on the sidelines to take action. What our kids need most from us, is support.

Daddy's Step Up?

2012-02-09T13:02:00.002-05:00

Paternity test as seen in a local pharmacy.

Walking in to drop off a prescription the box caught the corner of my eye. Did it really say DNA on the cover? Nestled on the bottom shelf among the pregnancy tests, there it was. I took three steps back and had to see for myself. Yes, it really was a paternity test. Sold over the counter. My heart sunk into my stomach. Look above, I was so stunned I took a picture of it with my phone.

Like you the first thought that ran through my head was, "Isn't this reserved for the likes of Jerry Springer or Montel?" Shouldn't I be watching some strange unraveling live on reality television? Then I thought of a young teen Mom who had a baby recently. Certain of who the Dad was, he was refusing to sign the birth certificate. At 16 he simply didn't want a life long commitment. He demanded a paternity test, even though the girl "knew that she knew" it was him. I prayed with the family through that situation. No chairs were thrown across a stage while a brawl broke out. It was the quiet desperation of the "real" world.

The reality that you can now purchase this test simply, taking it in the privacy of your own home, speaks to so much. I don't even know where to begin as my soul spins. Getting into my car, I slumped over the steering wheel and broke down sobbing. "Lord, is this where we are?" My reaction was not one of moral outrage. There is sin in the world and it is getting worse at hiding itself. Honestly, my thoughts kept going to the numerous teen Moms and Dads that I have known through the years. Yes, I realize not everyone using a paternity test is under the age of 22. However, as the generation I currently lead I wondered, "What will it take to make this go away?" At very least, "What will it take to make them not need this?"

Here are my musings:

1. Teach our boys what it means to be a Godly Man and our girls to be a Christ focused Woman.

My son is in early Middle School. He is at an age where girls and boys start to whisper, "She/ He "likes" you," through passed notes. It makes my boy extremely nervous. Do you know who he talks to about this? Not me. His Dad. He is constantly asking what it will take for him to grow up and be a man that follows Jesus. My daughters ask me if I was like them at their age. How can they grow up to be like Christ? Raising a teen is exhausting (not all mine are even teens yet and I am spent). There are so many questions all the time. Yet, they are beyond an age where, "Do what I tell you, because I said," works. They are exploring, and pondering, and questioning. Constantly. They need to be shown constantly what a man or woman of God looks like, acts like and thinks like. We can't back down from showing them HOW. As parents, youth workers, pastors, teachers and coaches, we must surround these kids to teach them that having a baby does not make you a "grown up."

2. No Compromise

There are so many choices to make in following Christ. How do we live a life that totally belongs to him? Stop making excuses. I am not going to give you a list of do's and don'ts. This is not going to be a rampage on the evils of technology. It is how we use the items of the world that makes a difference. Have we stopped asking, "Will this choice bring me closer or farther away from the Lord?" Has our attitude become, "What can I get away with?"

Here's my guilty pleasure- dance games on the Wii. Yes, I like all the "Just Dance Series." Most of the songs that are inappropriate we just avoid. I noticed the most fun songs were from a particular group. So imagine my excitement when Wii released a game with ALL of that group's songs? One problem- I read a review that said the lyrics were not appropriate for "younger" audiences. WHAT? This is a fun, pop, dance group! So I looked up the song list and dug into the lyrics. They were subtle. Nothing as overt as, "Go be promiscuous." But there were lines like, "Heading to the club with a Trojan in my pocket." There were lines like this in almost ALL the songs. We would be buying a game with the ability to "play" about 3 out of 20 songs. But, it sends an oh so soft message to me and my family, or to any of the teens or friends who come into my home and play the game. I really wanted to get the game anyway. Did a word here or a thought there truly matter? Yet, I can't. One little compromise, makes the next one justifiable and so on and so forth. Can we start teaching our kids how to live radically for the Lord? Not just in going out of your way on a service project, but in every day boring living?

3. Belong to Jesus.

Yes, many of our kids have grown up in the church. I sat with a small group of teens last week, many of whom I have known since they were at least 8 years old. Each and every one in my group has heard the Gospel message more times than they can count. Yet, when I ask the question, "Who is in charge of your life?" Their honest answer is that they are. Some aren't even sure that they want to give up that position of being in "charge." By the time "churched" kids hit the teen years they have learned really well how to give the answers we want to hear. That doesn't mean that they have taken the truth to heart. It's sort of like singing along to a song on the radio, and not realizing you know all the words. You know, the song you have never owned, but you know all the lyrics? It is on in the background so often, that we simply can mouth along. It doesn't mean we really think about it. We need to be encouraging our kids to have an identity that is in Christ. We need to show them how to belong to him. We need to be honest that we don't always get it either. It frees them, when we admit, we don't always get it "right." Teach them the power of relationship with this one that can protect them from turning a temptation into a sin.

4. Stop placing blame.

The issue is fatherlessness. No the issue is Modern Warfare 3. No the issue is the parents don't care. No the issue is the children's/youth/college pastor/ministry. There is no one "thing" that is at fault. I am finding in Christianity these days we are all standing around pointing fingers at each other. This is "why" kids are leaving the faith. No that's it. Let's face it. It's all of it. I was struck recently when listening to the testimony of a Kansas City tattoo artist. He talked about how in High School he had a real and vibrant relationship with the Lord. Then the world just got ahold of him. It just seemed more "fun" to be in the world. How can we help the world to be less enticing than Jesus? There is no one "thing" that is causing us to fall apart except the power of sin, which has its root in Satan and his minions. We need to stop focusing on the problems and start working towards a solution. Unity in Christ and towards him are the most powerful weapons against an unraveling generation.

I am not so naive as to think I have come up with the "formula" to stop the need for OTC Paternity Tests. The only true combative of sin is a relationship with the Living Savior. Even then sin won't go "away" until he comes again and throws the deceiver into the pit and destroys his power once and for all. However, we have choice. We can shake our heads and groan, "What is this world coming to?" Another option is to pour ourselves out on the Lord's behalf into those around us. We can stop believing in our hearts that this is "just the way it is." Instead, we can start having the faith not just the Christ can- but that he WILL change a life..

The Truth About Success.

2012-02-08T11:24:00.002-05:00

It was about 11 PM. Getting ready for bed, John had a toothbrush stuck in his mouth. That's when we heard a banging at the door. My heart began to race. Spitting into the sink, we exclaimed simultaneously, "Who could that be?!?"

When you live in the "hood" a knock on the door at close to midnight is unsettling. Well, anywhere you live an unexpected visitor at that hour is nerve wracking.

The guy on the other side of the door just started shouting, "This woman out here is crazy. Can you do something?" We called the police. Sure enough peering out our window was a parked car. A gentleman we didn't know was standing on the sidewalk. A half dressed woman, was sidewinding around him wielding a knife." John, popped his head out, "The police are on their way." The woman took off running. Shaken up, the guy knocked on the door again. I think he just wanted someone to stand outside with him and make him feel safe. Apparently, he had been down the block at a gas station. Going inside to pay, he had forgotten to lock his door. When he returned this woman was sitting in his car, shoving a blade in his face, telling him to drive. Knowing she wasn't strong enough to overpower him, she demanded he drive to the street down the hill from us. This area is a known drug infested, gang area. We think she planned on getting some "friends" to fully car jack the guy. Instead, he saw our house, pulled over and knocked on the door. She stole everything out of his glove compartment and took off.

The police car was creeping up the street trying to catch the woman in the act of whatever she was up to as John and the guy saw them. He flagged him down with the usual surprised response we get from being here. No it wasn't that he was in his pajamas. We are "all wrong" for the neighborhood if you get my drift. He spent some more time helping the "victim," and talking to the police, before entering back into the house. Finally, we could settle for bed. Laying there my eyes were wide and my thoughts bounced off the ceiling.

First I drifted to a couple of weeks ago when I surveyed a group of teens about their thoughts on their future. I asked them a series of 15 questions. Wanting true responses, they were allowed to remain anonymous. First I inquired, "What is a dream you have for your life?" The responses came back with ideas like, "Go to college, become a teacher, and become a lawyer." These were students that were truly thinking about possibilities in front of them. Question number 15 was, "If you are honest with yourself, do you really believe you will achieve number 1?" Meaning did they really think they would go to college or be a teacher? At least 80% of the answers were NO. This means that most of the students want a "better tomorrow," but don't really think they will get there.

Then I started to ponder this weekend when I was sitting with a friend of mine whose children are all college age. As she perused Facebook, she noticed that a friend of her son's had died. With a sadness she expressed, "Another one of George's friend's died this week. In the past couple of years we have lost so many to drugs, suicide and accidents." Just that week we had found out that a friend of my daughter's 15 year old brother had taken his own life.

Finally, and very simply I drifted to thoughts on one student in my group who I can barely get to talk. Getting her to share her opinion is beyond difficult. Ask her a straight forward question that could include, "What's your favorite color?" and she will tell you, "I don't know." She hides. This week I found out her coping mechanism is to smoke weed. It didn't shock me, but it made me sad.

As my mind continued to race, I thought of so many friends who have their own heart breaking stories of ministry. Story after story filled my soul. I began to pray for each of them. I know we are all scratching our heads and wondering, "Are we truly making a difference?"

As we were drifting off to sleep, I couldn't calm down. What if the woman had, had a gun? Turning to John I whispered, "Why do we live here again?" He smiled, "It's one of these two answers, I don't know, or we're called. Let's choose called." I couldn't help but thinking we were placed there for such a time as this. There isn't another person on our street that would have opened the door at almost midnight to that story. They would have wanted to "stay out of it." I started to see beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Holy Spirit directed that car to our house.

As I mulled everything over, the Lord used each to remind me of an important truth. My role is to help teens remember their identity is in Christ. They need us to see them with a visionary eye. The Lord has a purpose and plan for them TODAY. He puts me where he needs me to be his hands and feet. The goal is to become his reflection. Finally as my eyes fluttered to a close, I wondered, "Am I really successful?"

Success is that we remain obedient to the call placed before us. Success doesn't always feel successful. Most of the time it is about showing up at the place and time that Christ told us to go. More accurately, it is about falling in love with Jesus fresh daily. Then all we can do is live for him, the way he asks us to.

In America it is hard to treat small triumphs as ultimate victories. The march of the faithful in Hebrews 11 does not smack of the famous and glorious. (I encourage you to read it HERE) Instead it is a list of those who believed fully in what they couldn't see. If I am honest I had to go look up Jephthah, as he is named as a "hero." Our final charge are the ways that these people of faith lived ridiculed lives, often ending in death. This is hardly the portrait of US success. Yet, this passage brought me to tears:

"All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." (vs. 13-16)

The greatest achievement I will ever have is to look to the Lord. I may never get to "see" accomplishments with my eyes. Sarah and Abraham gave birth to one son. Isaac had two sons. They went on to have dozens. Yet, in their lifetime this is hardly, a people numbering more than the "sands on the seashore." God said it, they believed it, he did it.

The truth about most of us is that in view of the world we will never gain a trophy. Yet, becoming a city on a hill that shines its light is too bright to be ignored. It might be a beacon to a car ride in panic. It might be the spark to ignite a generation. When it feels like we are "doing" nothing we need to know we aren't home yet. Here on earth success isn't successful at all. That night I dreamed of of a place where all there is to "do" all day is sing love songs to a Savior. Now that it is a goal worth waiting for.

"That Parent"

2012-02-06T10:42:00.003-05:00

We are in a unique position that my children get to be both in our youth programming and then also in someone else's youth group. It never dawned on me as a youth person that I would become "that parent." In 20 years of ministry I have had to deal with many. There is the neglectful parent, the angry parent, or the "my child can do no wrong," parent. Recently, I had an honest discussion with a former student about how hard her family situation was. I knew. All I could do was pour into her and get to know her Mom. The groan of generations of poor choices affected this young woman. I judged. I rolled my eyes when the phone rang with a certain number. "Not this one again," my heart would cry.

Then my children hit adolescence. The phone rings and my youth pastor is sighing before he picks up. I am probably emailing because I mis-read the information that was sent home. We should be more together. Somehow (by God's Grace) we manage to get our permission slips in on time. Yet, I feel the other more "together" parents glaring at me. We are in ministry. We should know better.

It has caused me to step back and take a hard long look at all of the difficult parents I have had to walk with. Why do I think they're a struggle? As I sit here and ponder each and every name there is one thing in common. Deep down they want more for their children. For some they don't want them to "turn out like them." For others they are just broken and falling apart. Many are like me and are petrified that their children will be overtaken by the world. Some don't even have a relationship with Christ at all and so are trying to parent alone. I can't even imagine.

I realize how self- righteous I have been. How rarely I have looked on them with the eyes of Jesus. Instead I have seen them as "one more thing," in my day. Why do they drop their kids with me anyway? If they could just get out of my way, then I could do a better job with their kids. Ouch. This has made me convicted and repentant. I just finished an email explaining why the $75 downpayment for the missions trip is late. We don't have it. It was humbling and hurtful. As a grown up I would rather avoid that conversation. When my children are doing "wrong" it bothers me. I just want them to follow Christ more vibrantly than I did at that age. At a time when more and more kids are getting hung up on drugs, or succumbing to cutting, eating disorders and suicide how can I make sure that doesn't happen to mine. Well, youth person isn't that why I have you? Even as someone who has done this professionally, I find myself looking to my children's youth pastor for help.

When "that parent" can't handle hearing their kid is the one making a mess, I now have an "aha" moment. This isn't the only place the student is acting out. One time I sat with a parent and told them I loved their "hard to love" child. The parent responded with "Why?" When I told them, their response was, "that's the first time in a long time someone had something good to say about my child." Oh- so everyone else was "done" with this kid. As a matter of fact so was the parent. We needed to sit and talk about ways to take a fresh approach this child. I can't believe that anyone is "too far gone" at 16.

Here is what I am starting to learn. It's time for me to stop judging the parents. No, I do not enjoy confrontation. I do not do a jig when the parent who calls me everyday, calls again. I hate telling parents their child is the one that is a "challenge." I wish it was a quick and easy answer. I wish that kids and their families were "fixed" overnight. This process takes forever and I may never get to see "success" with my own eyes.

Yet, as a parent, I have come to learn it is even harder to hear. Like the time one of my own staff had to tell me that my youngest had threatened her friend that she was going to "beat her like a pinata." Yes, you read that correctly. My kid. The pk said it. Nice. Yet, I was so glad that my staff didn't avoid it. We were both on the same side.

As the youth person I am also starting to realize I simply don't know everything. Guess what, it is actually a relief to admit this to my parents. Instead of grunting, what I need to do is show them the Lord in every way. This means a firm and loving hand when their child is out of control. It means the offer to walk with them in the life of their child. It means remembering whoever the parent is that I don't have a "right" to their children. . It is an honor and a privilege that I am allowed to speak into the life of this teen. Bottom line is that this parent will spend much more time building up or tearing down their child than I will. In the blip of eternity, I get a handful of days. This parent gets a lifetime. If I really want to see a student transformed, I can't forget that the parent needs to be part of that process. My heart tells me it is time to start looking at them with less disdain, and a lot more hope. My eyes must be prophetic, seeing a family with a visionary eye of work the Holy Spirit WILL do. I may never "know" but I believe that the Lord does not allow his word to return to him empty.

When that message comes through, and once again it's from me, my prayer is that you will have some grace for me as well.

When Baby is the Mommy...

2012-02-02T11:09:00.001-05:00

Original Freaky Friday poster

"Kids grow up too fast these days." It's a statement parents, the media, all of us make. Those of us far enough removed from childhood and the young adult years look back with fondness of the innocence of a a day gone by.

The longer I have been in youth ministry the more that phrase has found a different meaning. Whether I am in urban, suburban or rural settings I am meeting more and more kids who are put in a position where they need to be the "acting" parent in the household. Remember the movie, "Freaky Friday?" It's the one where Mom and daughter mysteriously switch bodies for a day. They walk a mile in the other shoes to understand "what it's like," to be the other. In the "real world" though this swapping of roles is not helpful. This moves beyond simple chores, or responsibility. Sometimes a parent had a baby too young and is trying to reclaim their own childhood. Other times parents are working all the time and the child has to take on the household for them. Finally, there are some parents who are just so exhausted with life they can't seem to handle the emotional side of anything. As they shut down, someone needs to step into that accountability, so it becomes the child. Honestly, I could list scenario after scenario.

Kids are not growing up too fast just because the world is pushing them. In some cases, kids are becoming the adult of the household out of necessity. Many times as "youth people" we are seeing this happen under our noses. We are hearing the stories, from a one sided student perspective. It paints a very bleak picture. Our response is usually just to get angry, and brood at how evil the parents are.

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine about a girl she has a very close relationship with. We were talking about this very idea. The Mom is a single Mom, and Dad is not in the picture. Due to the exhaustion of raising several children on her own and working full time, Mom is giving up and a lot is placed on the girl. While she is asked to take care of more than her "fair share," she has been given no boundaries. In short being a "mini adult" has meant she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Although the girl is 16 she is emotionally about 10. In an effort to "take care of herself," a break happened in her learning how to healthily grow. She does not know how to properly communicate or share her feelings. Yet, the young woman really thinks she is mature. So what has been produced is a teen who believes herself to be older than she is. Who wouldn't if you were totally in charge of your own care by the time you were 11?

Yet, as we talked I loved the way my friend was encouraging this girl to develop her relationship with her Mom. My friend had actually been building a friendship with the Mom, and was learning there was way more to this story than meets the eye. Much of the way she parents is actually out of a coping mechanism.

Chances are if you haven't encountered a "Freaky Friday," type of parent/child switch, you will soon.

What do we do in these types of situations?

1. Get to Know the Parent:

Come up with a way that you can have an interaction with your parents on a weekly basis, just to get to know their names. The goal is to move beyond introductions to be able to speak to them about deeper things. One friend does a great job of this. He is in a church environment where parents come to pick up their kids. He makes sure each parent gets a "touch" ever week. He and his team spread out and meet the cars as parents come. Sometimes they just bring the parents a small gift (cup of coffee) and say, "Thanks for letting your child come here." Our kids either walk to us or get rides. So we have to be more intentional. We call parents and check in on them. If we pick their child up, we go to the door as opposed to beeping the horn. It takes more time, but it's worth it. As they say in Young Life, we are "earning the right to be heard."

2. Get the WHOLE story.

As you get to know the parent you can start asking them about "What's going on at home." Remember what we hear from the kids is just one side. There is another piece and probably many layers as well. I have found that as I hear a story, I set aside judgement until I hear it all. Since you have been building a relationship with the parent you now can start asking some questions. Be careful, you have been building trust with the teen and you don't want to barrel in and say, "Hey so your kid said you go out partying every night, tell me what's up with that?" Also, whatever the teen is feeling is very real to them. Our perception of reality, is our reality. Sensitively, approach the parent, "How are you?" As you get to know them, that question will give you more and more information.

3. Get everyone communicating.

Recently I started a lesson series with my small group teaching youth to talk to their parents. Their homework last week was to spend 30 minutes with their parents just being with them. The greatest frustration in my group is that they feel like they are not heard at home. One of the first steps we talked about was them showing their parents they want them. Now, you would have thought that I had asked them to save the Titanic, from this request. However, they all did it. One of the boys said, "I watched a whole movie with my Dad, he wanted to know what I wanted." Kids and parents often give up communicating with each other. Teach your students how to tell their parents how they are feeling. Encourage them to share. If they can't do it face to face, have them send a letter. Then tell them to follow up with, "Did you get my note?" If parents are intimidated at the first move, suggest they start by sending their child a Facebook message. THEN- sit down and talk to them face to face. Many times parents shut down and back down because they have no idea how their actions are really affecting their child. The best person to hear it from is the child.

Finally, don't be afraid to see the parent, as the parent. They may or may not be acting like it, but that doesn't mean they don't need you to respect them as such. The easier road is to just step in and either become or ignore the parent. An example might be that you just pick a student up after school, without asking permission. "Well, the parent doesn't really care anyway," can be our excuse. Instead, we must think to ourselves constantly, "How would I want to be treated as a parent?" We would want a phone call knowing where our child is going and for how long and with whom. Ask the child to call themselves, if they won't then we do it. Small steps like asking permission before you take a child out with you can make a huge difference.

At midnight on Friday when all is right with the world the "switch" back won't happen. There is no movie magic in the "real world." It's a process. However, as we keep treating the parent like the parent, it can make first strides towards change. Sometimes, it is the very piece that brings a parent into a vibrant relationship with their Savior.

Breathing Again... Come with to SYMC...

2012-02-01T10:59:00.000-05:00

When you embark on providing a training website you aren't supposed to admit your weakness, or failures or short comings. I guess some people might see it as "authenticity," however, I think many just think you are whining. The fine line between vulnerability and simply giving "TMI" (too much info) can be very thin.

Yet, if you have been reading between the lines at all these days you have found the article that I wrote about failure, or the one that I wrote about dealing with the storms of life. It doesn't take a rocket science to figure out that it has not been an easy season for me, or my family. If it was just one "thing" maybe it would be easier to share. You know because you can tackle one hill at a time. I could tell you how "I got over it." Instead, it has been more like the every day hiking of life. One of those seasons as they say where desert is around every bend. I find myself saying, "Seriously, we are here again," a lot.

In the midst of it all the Lord has given me an oasis. The Simply Youth Ministry Conference.

No it is not a magic land where all ministry troubles get fixed. Don't we all wish it was that simple?

Yet, this unique group of people has not created merely a training space. They have created a place to grow, and breathe.

I was thinking about going there in March yesterday and three things truly made me smile. (Aren't we supposed to offer ideas in threes :)

1. Friends.

Through my years with this conference I have made friends from all over the country, and the world. They are all at different stages of time in youth ministry. Each and everyone spurs me on to a closer relationship with Christ. They are how I stick it out in my calling many day. These are the ones who purposely check in on me. These are people that I can go to with any prayer request. It has become a safe haven of true relationship. I can get advice on how to tackle a ministry problem. Best of all they don't let me take myself too seriously. I have never been to a conference that fosters a non- networking environment so beautifully. Meaning, we don't go looking for someone to hand a business card to. Instead we go looking for those who are journeying this youth min world with us. Better yet, those on the road with out Savior.

2. Sharing

If you look at my personality test one of my top "strengths" is that I am a Communicator. This means I am a story teller. My greatest passion is to see a generation thriving in the Lord. I believe YOU are instrumental in that. It makes me happy to see other youth people trained and equipped on every level. Goodness, after 20 years in ministry I have made a bucket load (ok maybe many dumpsters full... a canyon full?) of mistakes. I want to help you avoid my land mines. Together we can wrestle through the hard stuff in ministry. I am excited to share with you, and for you with me. I will be teaching some workshops, participating in ministry conversations and leading what they call a connect group. John will be there too sharing from his strengths- Strategist. I love being in ministry with my husband and getting to be here with him is awesome. I am ecstatic that he will be sharing his wisdom (seriously greater than mine.) I can't wait to get to know you. I can't wait for you to share your new ideas with me. I know that together we can grow into a new place in ministry.

3. Breathing Again.

If you haven't figured it out yet, this is the theme of this year's conference. When I looked it up the word "breathe" always means life to God. Each of us needs to have a place to take that deep breath of the Lord and feel refreshed and renewed. For some of us we need to take advantage of "The Shelter, " a place to find one on one confidential conversations. Some of us need deeper training. Others need to connect. Whatever way, the heart of SYMC is to point us back to Jesus. We are constantly reminded it isn't about what we do, but who we have a relationship with.

Oh- and for those of you who are wondering Francis Chan and Jon Acuff will be there too...

Here's the hitch. The conference is just one month away. March 2-5 in Louisville, KY.

TODAY is the last day for early bird registration. You know you want to come and hang out. You know you do....

If nothing else it is four glorious days when no one is pulling at you. All you have to do is ...

Meet with the Lord...

All you have to do to get there is: CLICK HERE

The Art of Saying, "I Don't Know."

2012-01-30T10:35:00.001-05:00

In working with kids there comes a moment for each of us when we don't know what to say. It might be a question asked where the answer eludes us. It might be a tough situation where there are no words. It might be a life situation where there is no "formula." Whatever the cause there is a sinking in our stomach when we simply have no clue what to say.

We are afraid to mutter these three simple words,

"I Don't Know."

As pastors or even parents we feel compelled to be able to give all of the answers all of the time. The problem is that simply isn't feasible. We aren't perfect and so there are times when we "don't know." Guess what? That's OK. As a matter of fact it is like admitting that we aren't perfect. Believe it or not this is actually comforting to the youth in our lives. Instead of appearing weak, we now appear strong. They are comforted in the knowledge that they aren't living in a constant state of confusion, while we walk around all knowing. Yet, I think the reason we avoid these words is because they make us uncomfortable. Honestly it is easier to make something up on the spot than struggling to find an answer. HOWEVER, when we wrestle through to the other side with a student, they start to see that Christ is the only perfection. They also start to learn that we are trustworthy.

So how do we deal with, "I don't know?"

1. I'll find out for you.

When a student asks you a tough question that you CAN find the answer to, follow through. If you have the time and resources, I would suggest looking it up together. However, if you offer to come back with an answer, make sure that you don't forget. Students are not looking for you to be "all knowing" as much as they are looking for you to be authentic and accountable. Telling them you have no idea, but you can find the answer, then finding it, builds extreme credibility. I remember one time I had a student ask me why the tribe of Judah was the kingly tribe. I had some vague answers in the back of my mind. I could have placated them with something quick and we would be done. However, I said, "You know I am not really sure. I have an idea, but let me do some research and I'll get back to you." That week I went home and found this passage in Genesis when Jacob blesses his sons and it explained it all. The next week I came back with the answer. Not only that we used it as a great discussion about sin and redemption. This approach works with any question that has a clear/ cut answer.

2. What do you think?

My 6th grade daughter likes to sit next to me during worship on Sunday mornings. During the whole service she will lean over frequently and say, "What did the pastor mean when he said that?" Sometimes she doesn't know. Other times she wasn't paying attention. Then there are the times when she just wants me to tell her the answer when she could figure it out on her own. There are times when rather than giving her a straight answer I will say, "What do you think it means?" There are concepts that do not have clear cut answers. In this instance, that " I don't know" feeling rises up in us adults because the answer is long and complicated. Before we embark on answering, let's make sure that the student really needs an answer. Instead, they might just need some guidance in thinking through the answer on their own. This may take a little longer, however, we are teaching them to seek the Lord and his guidance.

3. There are no words.

When a friend dies, a parent is an addict, or tragedy occurs students come looking to us to answer, "WHY?" Our emotions rise up as well. We are grieved or angry or troubled and we are pondering the same question. There are no clear cut answers. That is alright. We are allowed to say that we don't get it either. We are allowed to say there are no words that will make this situation better. All we can do in these moments is love the student and point them back to the WHO of Christ. Sin is a horrible, dirty word. It affects us in ways that we will never understand. In these times the only comfort we have is in who the Lord is. Students may disagree with you, "How could a loving God allow this?" That's alright, it doesn't mean he stopped being faithful. You may need to tell a student you will believe for them right now. You may need to simply hold them and cry. You may need to say nothing at all and just listen. It's alright to not know. We aren't expected to. There are no right answers, just hands that show them the Lord hasn't forgotten them.

Truth is a powerful tool. In a day and age where opinion reigns it can feel like a word that shifts with the tide. However, we must remember that the Lord doesn't change. The truth is not contingent on us, but on him. Psalm 25:5 tells us, "Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you." The reason why those three words are so very powerful is this verse. We must remind kids their hope is not in us. We will fail them. We will give wrong answers sometimes. Yet, when their hope is in the person who is truth, there is salvation. Isn't it most important for our kids to learn to rely on him and not on us anyway?

How Do You "BE YOURSELF?"

2012-01-26T11:16:00.000-05:00

Through the years some of my best volunteers in my ministry have been the unlikely ones. These are the ones that some would say are too "un-cool." There are the ones who culturally know nothing about teens. Some have been "too young" while others are "too old." Yet, the "cream of the crop" have always had one thing in common:

They are not afraid to be themselves.

There is no pretense. If they don't listen to the kids music they don't pretend to. They don't try too hard. They rest in who the Lord made them and they share it.

However, let's face it, for some the art of "being yourself" around youth is more intuitive than for others. Instead one of the most common complaints we hear is, "I would love to help out, but I have not idea how to talk to a kid."

When I tell you to just be you, that just might feel strange and uncomfortable. "What if they don't like me?"

Here are a couple of suggestions of where to begin:

1. You don't have to "fit in."

The girls in my youth program like to whisper and laugh behind my back. 99% of the time it has nothing to do with me. Last week we were hanging out at Panera Bread, when someone walked by in what they deemed an ugly pair of pants. Immediately the eyes rolled and the giggles erupted. I spotted what they saw. If I wanted to "fit" in with them I would have started laughing too. (I thought the pants were unattractive myself.) Yet, as someone trying to show Christ to them, it was in no way appropriate. I actually used it as an opportunity to talk about differences and opinions. Yet, we can think that we have to be silly or goofy or participate in the gossip or wear the clothes to "be one of them." They are not looking for an adult peer. That feels weird to everyone. They are looking for role models. Don't be afraid to be a good one.

2. It's about getting to know them. Then let them get to know you.

Stay away from the "closed" questions. "Do you like school?" we ask. "Nope." they answer. Then you sit and stare at each other. Ask them about their interests. Ask about their favorite music. Ask them to tell you why they like the music or the band. They may say, "I dunno," that's alright. Just last week I asked one of the guys in my group to give me the complete run down of MW3. (It's a video game, for those of you who don't know.) Am I ever going to play it? Probably not. But, I knew he loved it and so wanted to know all the details. I wanted to know something about him. Think of it as getting to know a new person, who happens to be 12-18. They like tv, sports, movies, stuff you like too. You are allowed to tell them your favorite movie and why. They want to know. Building relationships takes time. The "small talk," opens the door for deeper conversations later.

3. Don't be afraid of blank stares, stunned silence, and awkward moments.

Just the other day I was playing Pictionary with my youth. One of the girls drew a picture of a pair of sneakers. Apparently, they were a particular brand. I had no idea what they were. She gasped in wide eyed horror, "WHAT??!?? Where have you been?!??" One of the guys in my group leans in and whispers, "Nikes, Mrs. Leneita, they are a type of Nikes." Finally recognition crossed my face, along with a rosy red blush to my cheeks. In my head I was beating myself up for not being more "in the know" about these things. It isn't the first time I have said the wrong thing, used an expression that is too "outdated" for the kids to know, or been "out of touch." Honestly, when I push through these times, the kids know that I am there just because I love them. Is it uncomfortable for me? Sure. However, the students see that it is about Christ, not me. These are the times that they see they are more important than my own comfort.

4. Ignore the "youth worker" stereotypes.

You have heard me say it before. I never fit the stereotype. I am not silly. Yet, I have this secret love of dance movies, and Just Dance 3 is a favorite pass time. I do not really wear brand name anything. Every game I play at youth group has a lesson attached to it. The words that make me cringe are, "But, I'm supposed to be..." Where is that in the Bible? Where are the words, "And the youth person shalt be..." Biblically we are told the character traits we need to have as a leader. We are told to belong to Christ. We are told to make disciples. We are supposed to get to know the people we are with. We are supposed to love them like ourselves. There is no where that says that you will only have a voice if you are "just right." Instead we are actually told that when we are "all wrong" that is when the Lord gets all the glory.

Being ourselves isn't as much of a science as we think it is. It starts with these two words, "Show up." Then after we are there, we all muddle through. Kids can sniff out a hypocrite a million miles away. It is simply about communicating, engaging and falling in love with the ones the Lord puts us with. We don't have to overcomplicate it.

The Beating Waves

2012-01-24T13:35:00.000-05:00

When I was in college I had this very famous picture by Jean Guichard framed and hanging in my first apartment. I loved it. There was something powerful about the photo. The lighthouse keeper stuck in the middle of the ocean, with the fury of God raging. For me it was a reminder of the authority of the Creator.

As the years marched on I started to look at it differently. What about the lighthouse keeper? How did he get to this remote location? Did he survive this day? (I did some research, he did.) This was probably not just one wave, but many. How could anyone come through this storm?

I started to view the scene as a dichotomy. The mighty hand of the Lord at work, while a storm rages on. It is the very picture of Matthew 8: 23-26. You know it well. The disciples and Jesus are crossing the lake. A storm happens. The disciples think they are going to die, while Jesus is napping. They are like, "Rabbi, seriously?" Jesus calms the storm and rebukes their lack of faith. In life we apply this passage figuratively, in the case of the disciples and this lighthouse keeper, it was literal. "We are going to die, do SOMETHING!"

Yet, lately I am talking to more and more people in ministry who tell the same story, "I am tired of drowning. I wish the Lord would show up and DO SOMETHING!" The storms are raging and we are just getting pummeled by the waves. Pretty soon our boat is going to shatter to bits. If we are honest, we are just like the disciples, at least I am.

I think the Lord is too busy sleeping to care.

Handling a quick stint into a difficult time is one thing, but what about when it goes on and on? What about when your soul is weary and torn up? What then? When the life that you were called to doesn't turn out the way you thought it would, and only seems to get worse?

I think we have three choices:

1. Run Away.

When I was about 22 I was going through some "stuff" we'll say. The Lord was doing a major work in my heart and it didn't feel nice. The healing process felt more like a hacking away at my soul. One day I literally had enough. Living in England at the time, I was at missionary school. The school building was up against some farm land and surrounded by a huge forest. I had to get out of there. I thought being a missionary was just about going away somewhere and serving the Lord. Little did I realize that it meant Christ would want to get rid of my bitterness and anger that I held so tightly to. I will never forget looking out on the field when I literally just started running. I was running away from the school. Running away from my calling. Running away from the work in me. Running away from the Lord. Deep into the forest I fell on my knees, lungs burning, coughing and sobbing. In my heart Christ spoke to me, "Where are you going?" he asked. It wasn't audible, but there was no mistaking that still small voice. "This is too hard, I am getting away!" "Where will you go?" he asked. At that moment I recalled every single word from Psalm 139. There was no where to go. In the heights or the depths he was already there. While most of us don't literally put on our sneakers and try to physically remove ourselves, it doesn't mean we don't try to run. In myself and others I have seen different forms of running. Basically it is the point at which we make the decision to say, "This life with Christ is just too hard, I choose to do it my own way." The only problem with this choice is as Adam and Eve learned, there is no where we can go.

2. Go numb.

This happens so slowly often we don't even realize it. We think our "bucket" is empty. However, Bill Hybles suggests that the bottom of the bucket is missing entirely. One storm is plenty, then they keep coming. One thing turns into two and the list never ends. Let's say we have been asking friends to support and pray for and with us. We get tired of being so "needy." So we just shove all of our emotions away. The bottom of our buckets get severed and we can't fill it, because there is just a flow through. It is so hard to deal that we just shut down completely. In seasons when I have gone numb I didn't even realize it, until the Lord showed me. I will myself to stop feeling. Recently, I had the revelation that I was living in this place. A friend called me to share an awesome new ministry "opportunity," that he wanted my help with. As he spoke I suddenly realized that I was emotionless. Why? I didn't really believe it work out. The Lord couldn't possibly want this for me. The thought that ran threw me head was actually, "Why bother to engage it will just be another disappointment." In this place we stop feeling anything. We might read our Bible or pray or continue to "do" all the right stuff, but we are simply going through the motions. Yet, the problem is that we can't stay here. At some point our own distrust of the Lord will show itself and we are no longer numb.

3. Press into the storm.

Now I know you were expecting me to say, "Press into Christ." However, in the story of the disciples and Jesus and the storm, they were simply meant to rest in who Christ was. If they understood their true relationship with him it didn't really matter if the storm came or went. Regardless, he would have them close.

In an effort to help, our friends give us advice. They are truths that have resonated with them, so they share. It feels like trite platitudes to us. We get tired of hearing all the right stuff so we say we are "clinging to Christ."

More accurately we need to be honest with God. Rage at him. Tell him where we are. "Lord I am afraid. I am angry. Help me in the storm. SHOW UP!" I am reminded of this clip from Forrest Gump. Lieutenant Dan was supposed to die in the war, like all of the other men in his family. Instead he emerges an amputee. Angry at God, he shows up to run a shrimp boat with Forrest. Problem is they can't catch any shrimp. So Forrest says they need to pray. Instead of getting shrimp, a hurricane shows up. Here is Dan's reaction:

He rides the storm. He is honest with the Lord. While some might feel it is blasphemy I think it is a clear picture of many times the way it needs to happen. You see the Lieutenant knew the Lord was in that storm with him. The Lord was big enough to handle him. Yes, they started to get shrimp through the process and the strange prayer was answered. What this clip does not show is that after this he is finally at peace. He took the storm head on and challenged God to be there with him.

There is a reason why James 1 begins with "WHENEVER you face trials of MANY kinds." It is a reminder that we are strangers, foreigners and aliens in this world. I love the way the Message interprets 1 Peter 2:11a, "Friends this is not your world so don't make yourself cozy in it." The storms come so that we can be reminded not only who can control it and stop it, but who is with us in the midst of it. Rick Lawrence, in his book Sifted makes the observation that there is a great war over those of us committed to Christ. Satan genuinely believes that each storm will draw us away from the Lord (our fight is not with flesh or blood). Jesus KNOWS that each storm not only propels us towards him, it gives us a deeper understanding of the way he cares for us. Trouble is storms are not nice, they hurt, rip and shred us. They leave us devastated. What we want to do is blame God and let it end there. Instead we are meant to understand that there is an "other side" to the storm. Christ is with us before, during and after.

His love never slumbers. When it appears he is asleep, we must choose to believe he still is who he says he is.

Juggling Act..

2012-01-23T10:24:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up to what I thought was a house that was a mess. Couch cushions were askew, the toilet needed a good scrubbing and the dust bunnies in the corner had formed a club. I of course made this observation as I was leaving for the day. Panic rose as I knew none of us would be home until about 6 PM, just in time for dinner and merely and hour before I am having a meeting at the house. Why didn't I clean last night? Well, after putting the kids to bed I was up late making cookies for my youth group today.

Sure it's silly. No one is going to hate me if my home isn't perfect later today. Yet, there are days when the juggling act of two people in ministry, three children and a college student living together takes its toll. I have been waiting almost 20 years to figure out how to keep it all going... well.

In our life both of us consider our "paying job" ministry. I couldn't tell you if this is better or worse than one of us working outside the church. John taught for the first couple of years but for more than a decade we have been figuring out how to make a household run smoothly this way. As spouses we each need love and attention. Our children want our focus. The phone seems to ring at all hours for either of us. Making it all "work" is hard. No matter how you "do it," navigating life is a challenge. Everyone seems to be pulling you in a million directions, expectations are high from every corner of your life. How do you make it all work?

Single. Married. Children. No matter how you juggle your life here are a couple of things we are certain of:

1. Take time for Jesus.

No duh? However, this time is the easiest to put aside. It can feel like you are accomplishing "nothing" just sitting around in prayer. Read your Word to get to know your Savior, not just to plan a lesson. I like to read my Bible in depth at night before bed and then morning time is spent studying for the sake of teaching. This works for me. What will work for you? Make time with the one who is control, your top priority. Order your time to reflect this. Do this when you don't want to.

2. Put Jesus at the Center of Your Relationships

Our lives can be spent helping others. However, we should all have relationships that hold us accountable to our walk with the Lord. If you are not married yet, then make sure you have some friendships where Christ is the center. These are the people who pray with you, spur you on, and make sure you are not living in a ditch far away from the Lord. For me, I have some really close friends who ask the hard questions. When you get married, make sure that you are taking the time to put Christ in control of your combined lives. What time are you taking together to seek the Lord? As I have mentioned in the past John and I started praying together far before we were married. Now we pray before we leave each other in the morning and before bed each night. It grounds us and reminds us who has the final say. (It is also really hard to go to bed angry when you are talking to your Creator.) We have family devotions and are intentional about Christ conversations with our kids. The people closest to us need to be the ones we are most purposeful about a foundational place with the Lord.

3. Boundaries is not a bad word.

I used to be one of those "every time the phone rings I must answer it," sort of people. Every emergency was mine to save. The problem was that the people closest to me started to slip away. As a couple we had to sit down and talk through some things that brought order into our world. On weekends John holds my phone, because I know I am incapable of not answering it. Saturdays are a family day, non- negotiable. When living in the neighborhood with the people you "serve" you can feel guilty when someone knocks on the door and you ignore it. Don't be afraid to let them know there are times when you are totally taking a day away with the Lord or family. We are not the Savior. Sometimes when we don't put out the fire it gives someone else the opportunity to step up. The Lord uses the whole body. We were never meant to do it all. Christ wants us to run the marathon, not the sprint. This means that sometimes we have to order our run to make it work.

4. What are you heaping on yourself?

Once when teaching on ordering your life I had an attendee make a very wise statement, "Your plate is never too full when the portions are from the Lord." Sometimes I "take on things" that I don't have to. Yes, there are times when our "job" makes us. For me, far more are the times when I take on extra responsibilities because I think I should, could or must. When you can, if you can, if you need to, or if you are led, don't be afraid of the word no.

The reality is that in life most of the time when we think we can "handle it" something else gets thrown in. Probably, one of the best pieces of advice a mentor ever gave me was to stop, "Looking to the day it all gets better." What he meant was that our eye can always be on when there is less to juggle. Chances are that day will never come. Most importantly when we don't know how to handle it we need to ask. “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” James 1:5 He is waiting to help us know exactly how to live the life he called us to.

Share...

2012-01-19T12:16:00.001-05:00

Today I just wanted to direct everyone to YOUTHWORK TALK!

John and I are new contributors over there.

Yesterday I spoke on navigating the tough conversations.

Today John offered his infinite wisdom on leadership....

It's a great site with awesome stuck....

Go take a look around: CLICK HERE

Parents Just Don't Understand...

2012-01-18T10:49:00.001-05:00

How many times have I heard the groan from a youth "person" as they have to "deal" with the parents. Similar to the cartoon here we think of them as complaining.

Or indifferent.

Or uncaring.

Or neglectful.

Or expecting us to raise their kids for them.

We are the secret society of those of us who "get" teens more than the parents. For some of us we are simply exasperated that parents won't show up more. It feels like the student is dropped at the curb in a drive by. Better yet, we are picking kids up and the parents are nowhere to be found.

Others are refocusing their ministries to be more "family" focused. Perhaps it isn't that parents don't care, they just don't know what to do. However in this circle the common complaint is that this "method" still won't "work" with the unchurched, urban, or non-commital.

Our opinions are formulated from a mix of observation, speculation and complication of the truth of their lives. We are listening many times to one side of the story- the student's. Often we take the facts they share and attach our own emotion and motives to the story.

For the youth whose parents are just "too far gone," we tell our students to simply "endure," until they can move on.

There is a great flaw in our line of thinking however, the "sins of the fathers" are affecting their children. We are giving up on the family when we say that there are some that just "can't make it." Our hope is no longer in the moving of the Spirit or the power of Christ. Instead we believe only in what we can see.

When we focus on who are parents are not- then we are aiding the breakdown of the fami

Here is the problem:

1. Our student's are waiting for their parents to "show up."

I remember this one student who had a horrific home life. He was being raised by his grandmother because his own Mom was a crack addict. His grandmother was so old she could barely care for him. They lived in a shack with no running water in the house, he "showered" with a hose outside. He had never met his father, but knew who he was and heard his name around town. You name it and this kid probably had gone through it. One day I thought I was taking "his" side when I made an off handed comment about his Mom abandoning him. His response to me was, "My Mom loves me. Are you saying she doesn't?" You see no matter how much of a failure this group of caretakers seemed to be this boy was waiting for the day they would rise to the challenge of who they should be. Our students are hurt by who their parents and guardians are not, but in their soul hold onto the hope it will change.

2. You never stop wanting your parent's approval.

Adam and Eve were told to "be fruitful and multiply" before sin entered the world. The family unit was one of the pieces broken the day they ate from that tree. No matter how dysfunctional your family is, you simply want them to tell you that they are proud of you. There is something about this person who brought you into the world telling you they love you and believe in you that makes a difference. I know many adults who still are trying to get their parents to love them. There is power when a parent tells a child of their acceptance. This may never come. However, we need to tell students that their identity is in Christ. We need to remind parents gently how much their kids need to hear them say, "I love you."

3. The Lord wants to restore the family. All of them.

No one is meant to "get by" in life. We are meant to thrive resting in the peace of Christ. The Lord looks into every heart and see a lost child who needs to come home. So often our focus is on the child becoming whole so they can be the catalyst for household transformation. Sometimes it is the student who believes in Jesus first, and we encourage them to bring him home. However, we are remiss when we allow parents to say, "that's for them, I'm too far gone." I have three close friends who heard about the Lord, by their children going to youth group first. With each of them there was someone (along with their child) who reached out and said, "This is for you too, we care about you. This relationship will transform your whole family." Our children were not meant to be the head of our households.

I think it works this way:

Changed parent = changed family= changed neighborhood= changed world

When the parent knows who they are in Christ, they can start stepping up and truly being the parent. This is for anyone who has fallen into this role. Then they become the light that guides their whole family. As the family unit changes the light gets brighter to their friends and neighbors on where their hope lies. The cycle starts over and the world is made different.

In other words- go and make disciples of ALL the nations. This means that we must stop focusing on what are parents "aren't" instead we must remember the Lord is calling for each of us. None of us are too far gone.

Parents OR Youth Pastors?

2012-01-12T13:53:00.000-05:00

Any other youth people thought this? "If the parents would just step up then we wouldn't need youthgroup."

So many of us feel this way it has begun a movement ofsorts. There are books and studies thathave been developed about how to help parents take their “rightful” place asthe lead at home. There are conferences about doing ministry from afamily focus. There are churches that have gotten rid of their youthgroup all together.

“If broken families were whole us youth people could goaway.”

So maybe it isn’t about “us” at all. There was a time we thought that we werearound to provide a "safe place" for kids, a place for “good clean fun”, a place to learn the tenants of the faithand of course most importantly learning how to have a vibrant relationship withChrist. Then programming seemed to become a replacement as well.

"If the family was showing up and taking an interest intime with their kids the youth people could be out of a job." Again maybe we should go away?

YES, parents need tobe reminded over and over again they (we) matter most. They (we) need to tell know our kids ARElistening, while they pretend like they don't care. Even those who are amess or unchurched need you to believe that we will show up. Expect us totake control.

However, it is notabout FAMILY or YOUTH PEOPLE (Full time, Bi-Vocational or Volunteer).

Eric Erickson is a famous psychologist who refined Freud'sstages of emotional development. As a small child, he was abandoned by his father. This prodded him to understand how it affectedhis own life. One of the "marks" of each stage are the relationshipsthat form our world view. As children (ages 7-12) we are looking toparents to direct and teachers and coaches to care. In adolescence (ages12- about 20) students are looking to their peers and role models foremulation. They move from learning howto order their lives to figuring out who they are and how they fit into theworld around them.

Any of us who have relationships with “kids” (who do not live in our home) need to realizethree truths:

1. It’s not the “mess” that drives theneed for “youth people.”

As Erikson pointed out, youth in those “adolescent” years are tryingto “find” themselves. They do this bylistening to their friends and finding adults to emulate. Recognize this is astage for ALL the kids of ALL types of families. They are looking to multiple rolemodels. This is why I have a student whocalls, texts or Facebooks me 10 times a day to ask my opinion. Coming from agreat Christian home I couldn’t figure out why she was doing this. I found out she asks her parents first andthen comes to me to see what I will say.

2. Partner with ALL the parents.

Don’t accept that there is any parent that is“too far gone.” Keep in mind students need bothparents AND youth people. As my husbandsays, “If my kids are going to belistening to other voices to figure out who they are, I want to know I can trust that voice.” Some parents feel like they are too much of amess so it is better that their kid “looks like “ you. Keep using words and phrases like, “you and I, “ “we are in thistogether,” “I am here with you.” Just this week I had a parent say, “My son won’t talk to me, but he will talk here. Maybe you should just talk to him.”

3. The “good” kids need role models too.

In our judgment as youth people we feel theneed in the life of those whose lives are lacking. My daughter “appears” tohave it all together. Since she comes from a loving family, she is not the firstmentoring choice. Let me tell youthough, she is listening to us AND looking to others to speak into her life.

Kids are looking to ALL of usto SHOW UP. Parents need to be theguiding force and we the youth people should be role models that fill in thegaps. I love the words of Proverbs 24:6, “So don’t go to war without wiseguidance; victory depends on having many advisers.” These formative years are abattleground. We can’t expect one voiceto be enough in learning how to fight the war. They need to hear over and over that the fight is worth it, and that Christ is at the center fighting for and with us. If we don’t speak up they will find someoneelse.

How Not to Be Entitled (And Teaching the Next Generation the Same Lesson)

2012-01-11T14:10:00.000-05:00

My kids are entitled.

I am entitled.

We are selfish and self-centered.

When you live as urban missionaries you sort of believe that your children will learn to be servants by osmosis. Haven't they seen it in process all the time?

Their parents are "doing ministry", lending a hand to our inner city neighbors, and "sacrificing" constantly. They have a Dad who I can genuinely say thinks about others more than anyone I know. Yet, still when push comes to shove they will not share a bite of their ice cream with me.

I started to wonder if the "example" they were seeing was not as awesome as I thought. Perhaps, I was not as giving as I thought.

Peering into my own dark soul I came to see how much I think I deserve....

A cup of hot coffee on a bad day.

A parking space up front when I am running late.

An "easier" life because I "chose" ministry as my job.

Uh-oh. The problem with living entitled is that I am "owed" nothing. I can not engage in any form of a conversation with the Lord where I can tell him what I "deserve." That would end in Him reminding me the way He did Job of his infinite power and goodness. Death... and eternal separation from him is what I have "earned."

Something needed to change for the cycle of selfishness to end. While whining about the apathy of the next generation I wonder if I have fed it? So many (including me) believe that this mentality of "entitlement" is what makes this generation ineffective.

Where do we begin?

1. Change Our Vocabulary: I used to talk about sacrifice and "giving up." That makes me feel good about all that I am doing. That way I can justify my merits. Instead I started implementing the word "choice." It used to drive me insane when I would "share" my defeats in ministry only to hear, "That's the life you chose." "Well, yes," I would say, "It doesn't make it easy." Here's the thing. I did make the choice to follow the Lord down this path. That means there are consequences like trials... and blessings.... but it was a choice. I stopped telling my kids, "You're so selfish," because so am I. Instead, I have started to say things like, "How do we love others like ourselves? What does that mean?" Measuring what we say and how we say makes us think about why we talk the way we do.

2. Change Our Thinking: This is a hard one. This one is about constantly refocusing our thoughts on the Lord. We must understand that we merit eternal separation from God. There is nothing we are "owed." Not a thriving ministry (whatever that even really means.) Not family members walking with the Lord. Not a great salary. Now, the Lord may give me some of these things as rewards. He will bless me and has promised me grace and mercy. However, it's more like a gift on some random day of the week than Christmas morning. The presents will come, but not because they are "supposed" to. He loves us so desperately and wonderfully that He WANTS to be faithful to us. Remove the words, "deserve, owed, earned" out of your mind and mouth. Changing our perspective, gives us different Christ-centric world view.

3. Change Our Teaching: Yes we need to set up places for our kids to serve. We need to get them out the door and into experiences where they see what it means to give ourselves. In my own children they thrive on outreach days when they can "help." Later that evening we will return home where they fight with their siblings over touching "their stuff." However, let's recognize that an ability to "die to self," is not intuitive. Just because they gave up an afternoon, does not make them give up themselves. Our teaching needs to be focused on the soul issue and not about the action. When our heart understand the vastness of Christ's love that is undeserved we WANT to spend ourselves for him. We may ned to try teaching this in various settings and a variety of ways. However, in learning our actions matter, let's educate that this issue begins in the spirit.

Chances are this may be a lifetime struggle, for all of us. Something in us thinks that the world is unjust and so we ought to get more. We are all a work in progress. Our sinful, fleshly nature needs to be stabbed in the heart over and again. It is a process and we must teach the next generation the same. Let's remember each of us are still learning this.

Hurting Parents Hurt Their Kids

2012-01-05T10:50:00.001-05:00

When we work with families the problem is that we begin to see the deep hurts that lie within. Often times we peer into the household through the eyes of the children. Their side of the story is deeply painful.

Parents are addicted to all kinds of things: alcohol, drugs, hopelessness, themselves. We hear the tales.

Our blood begins to boil with and for our students. This life they are living is unfair.

So we judge. Statements like, "Parents don't care anyway," begin to grace our lips. The gaping hole in this student's heart is not hard to see. The sins of the father are killing their children. In the extreme cases at least they can be removed from the home. However, more often than not we encounter the "hurting people, hurt people" cycle. Kids are at risk, and we really can't do anything about it.

I remember the first time a student told me that there wasn't enough food in the cupboard on a daily basis. While at the same time Mom was out partying every night. The first time I heard a student tell me that they had never met their Dad. The time a girl told me that her Mom forced her to shoplift and she didn't know what to do because she knew it was wrong. Another girl I witnessed move from innocence to rebellion due to the divorce unfolding at home. There are the numerous students who have come to my programs and become followers of Christ while their parents have not. As a matter of fact one girl became a transformed Believer. After a couple of months she stopped coming to group and following the Lord. She told us, "It's just too hard to fight this at home. They just want me to smoke weed with them and honestly that's just easier than trying to be different all the time."

Each time the tears well up. My heart hurts. I have told kids to endure just a little longer and eventually they will "get out."

I think in my mind at some point they will grow up and move away. The trouble with this strategy is that when I meet a 6th grader there is a quite a bit of time until they can move on. Would it be better to tolerate the situation or learn to thrive in the midst of it? In addition we can move away from circumstances but not pain.

We must change perspective. In order to teach our students to thrive today we start with these three places:

1. Believe.

One of my closest friends is an ex-crack addict. Her life in those days were horrible. The repercussions of her choices in those days have lasted a lifetime. I have watched Christ transform her in the years that I have known her. She used to lie. Now it convicts her when she does. She used to cheat, now she gets up early to pray. We must honestly believe the Lord CAN and WILL change EVERY life. Not just the students, but the parents as well. It starts with us living in the hope that Christ offers for today. He knows how to resurrect the dead

2. Stop Judging.

It is divisive, making the problem worse and feeding the ache in the student's heart. Recently, I was judged as the parent who is "always on the phone," by the aid at my kids school. For about a month I had a standing phone meeting that ended just as I was picking my kids up. She made a snide comment one day when I was not on the phone about how it wasn't attached to my ear, "finally." What she did not know, is the moment my children got into the car I was adamant that I was off the phone. That 20 minute drive home is the best time of the day to get information about life from my kids. She did not know I have a "rule" that the 30 minutes from 3:30- 4, when they are in the car before they go to their after school activities- I take no phone calls. She saw me before they got there, and drew conclusions. We can never know the whole story, or how the Lord is working behind the scenes.

3. Teach our students the power of forgiveness.... NOW!

Let me be blunt. I placed a lot of blame on my parents for my own insecurities and issues. In the last couple of years I have begun to understand the layers of my hurt. I was bullied. I lived in a small town with gossips. I didn't always make the best choices. The teen years are so painful, we can have this attitude that we just buckle up and muddle through. The healing can start today. It starts with teaching our students how to forgive.

A friend of mine does a lot of counseling in this area. The first step he says is to acknowledge what you feel is "owed" to you. For example, you have a parent that ignores you. You feel like they "owe" you their time. So you start with telling this to the Lord. We don't analyze how we "ought" to feel. Instead we are honest with God about our anguish. It helps us to get unstuck from what's "not working." Then they walk out in the act of forgiveness. This is a choice. Then we understand that this might have to happen daily, or several times a day until the "feeling" of forgiveness catches up.

I have had to do this with people who have cut me deep. I have told the Lord, "I can't love them right now, but I know you can. Put your love for them in me." It isn't a one time action and then it's over. It takes time. Teach your students to start now. There doesn't need to be more layers of grief built up before they begin.

My church showed this very powerful video last year. It shows a son who has been devastated emotionally by his father. Forgiveness is not about saying what the other person did was "alright." It means that we come to understand we are meant for more today than our hurt.

We may not be able to stop the situations happening at home. What we can do is get on our knees and expect Jesus to show up.

"But you are a God of forgiveness, gracious and merciful, slow to become angry, and rich in unfailing love. You did not abandon them." Nehemiah 9:17b

Believe.

If You Could Just Get .... This....

2012-01-04T11:43:00.000-05:00

I remember a time when I knew everything. No one could teach me anything. My opinion was truth even if it was based on nothingness. Then I started to trudge up hill both ways through this thing that we call life. With every step I am learning how little I actually know.

There are lessons learned along the way, I wish I understood sooner. This compels me as I walk alongside the next generation. There are heartaches they could miss. If they could just "get" these five things I truly believe they would take this world for Christ in ways that would boggle our minds.

1. Only Christ Has What You Need.

I know it sounds elementary. Yet, I don't think we teach our youth HOW to have their identity in Him. Why? We don't really believe that he has everything. When we are unhappy or the world is unfair we try to find our identity in our work, our looks, even our ministry. We must learn early that we must look at ourselves through the eyes of our Savior. We must learn to run to him with our tragedy and our triumph. As we learn we must teach those coming behind us.

2. Take the hurdles head on.

I had a mentor tell me once, "You can choose to run around the hurdles in your life. We all want to do it. The problem is that there will always be another one. At some point you need to learn how to jump them." We can run away from our challenges, the one catch is that there will be another one. The sooner we can learn those hurdles aren't so scary, the more we can live a full life for the Lord. It may not feel like it in the moment, but we always get "over" them.

3. The journey matters.

When you are 10 you want to be 13. At 13 you just want to be 16. Then 18. Then 21. Then married. Then have children. Our focus can always be on that "next thing" there is to attain. We should have goals, that is important. However, the most important lessons learned are in the journey. Where you are right at this moment is part of the shaping process that makes you look more like Jesus.

4. Scars are just tattoos with better stories.

We get wounded in life. Sometimes it is beyond our control. Other times people hurt us. There are moments when those that should have loved stab deep. There are even moments when our decisions are indeed irreversible. The result is always a gaping and oozing sore. What we need to ask is, "Do we want to be healed?" Our attention can be solely on the unfairness of the lesion. Forgiveness is not not giving the offense absolution. Instead, it is the understanding that no one can be effective if they are trying to ignore a bullet hole in the leg. Forgiveness recognizes that bitterness causes separation in our relationship with the Lord. We need him with desperation. Forgiveness is an act of choice that is followed by feeling. Our wounds do leave scars. But, when we let the Lord heal them then we can learn to embrace them. We are no longer the walking wounded, but those who are not afraid of the tale of our scars.

5. Don't lose your zeal.

We have a tendency to feed this mentality that all teens rebel. You know when they "grow up," then they will live fully for Christ. The other side of this is that we can teach our youth that at some point they should be less excited and passionate about Christ. Today is the day called for Salvation. Today is the day that the Lord wants you to be fully his to be used fully by him. Does rebellion happen? Yes. We have free will. Should we expect it? No. Let's teach this generation they don't have to be complacent. They can be a light that the world is drawn to, no matter the age.

There should never come a point when we "grow up" so much that we stop pursuing the Lord with a full heart. This should start young. It should be a lifetime pursuit. If I could some it all up I would say this to my youth, "Live without regret." If we can look back with as few cringing moments as possible it will all be worth it. I think most of all I just want this generation to understand that they are more powerful than they know. They have the full potential to put my faith to shame.

Without Vision...

2012-01-03T12:09:00.000-05:00

It's the start of a new year. We like to think of it as the time when we start fresh.

New goals.

New purpose.

What if someone told you not to be passionate? What if they "goal" for this year was to be apathetic and complacent?

Would you be upset or would you roll over and be alright with the nothingness?

Is laziness "enough" for the new year, or does that sound ridiculous?

Take a look at this parody of the subject:

If you are anything like me this idea of being encouraged to do a whole lot of nothing feels absurd. The sermon I heard on the first day of 2012 was a conviction to once again give it "all" to the Lord.

Yet, what I love about this ludicrous video is that the vision of this "cause" is clear. As a matter of fact it is so obvious that one of the commenters on youtube missed that it was a joke. They said, "all this is doing is telling people to be lazy." Which is funny because we should have been watching it with the attitude that it was not to be taken seriously. So I guess the point was not so apparent after all.

Even the vision of apathy can be unclear.

As a mentor of mine says, "Communication is not what you say, it is what others hear."

So my question to you is this?

When is the last time you clearly conveyed your ministries vision to your team?

Have you told them where you are headed in 2012? The Lord may have told you clearly what to do, but then you must rally the people to go with you.

The Lord told Joshua when to cross the Jordan... Joshua told the priests when to move and the Israelites how to follow.

The Lord spoke to the prophets over and over again and they told the people when and how to follow the Living God.

Jesus spoke to the disciples and rallied them to "go out" on his behalf telling them exactly how to go and what to do to bring the Gospel.

When the Lord puts you in a position of leadership on his behalf, your job becomes to help the people know where they are going.

Moses pointed to the cloud by day and the fire by night. Josiah reminded his people of the Word of God. Nehemiah rallied the exiles to build a wall and Ezra a temple. John the Baptist pointed to the Messiah. Paul taught the churches the ways of Christ.

Their directives were distinct. Their goals were evident. They were never afraid to spell it out letter by letter.

As leaders in ministry in this coming year we must do the same. If we do not want our people to be mediocre. If we want a passionate crew dedicated to Jesus and youth tell them again and again where you are going and how you will get there.

If you don't know then seek the Lord out to tell you.

Those that you are leading need to know...

Chances are you are not sitting around waiting for them to do "nothing" or even "something." You are passionate that in Christ there will be greatness...

Eating that Elephant...

2012-01-01T20:30:00.001-05:00

If you haven't heard my favorite saying before... then you probably haven't chatted with me for long.

It has to do with taking on a large challenges:

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time...

As we enter 2012 many make resolutions. We "resolve" to lose weight. We "resolve" to get closer to the Lord. We "resolve" that this year ministry will be "better."The problem with "resolutions" is just that: they are empty promises.

While goals- they are different. Goals are plans. However, even with a "goal" these are subject to the Lord. We lay out ambitious plans and then feel like we can never get there. This is where the elephant comes in.

For 2012 it starts with one bite.. one step... this is how we get to the other side...

When we give it all to the Lord- then we can say in 2013.. "we got there."

Ministering in Pieces...

2011-12-19T11:08:00.001-05:00

The axe swings over head with a sharpened blade and clear aim. On the block lays not a piece of wood meant for the fire. Instead, my heart, my soul, my well being and my plans are neatly piled high. As it hits, millions of pieces scatter. The enemy lurches back in surprise. Smirking, the result is even better than he hoped.

I am left, with the pieces of me laying fragmented on the ground. There is no way that I can fit it all back together. There is no way I can even find all that is needed to make it whole again. Hope is sucked away in a vacuum. I will never be alright again.

We have all been in this place. It is the time and space where something comes along and wrecks our world. It happens smack dab in the middle of "doing ministry," derailing our life. A loved one dies. We get sick, very sick. A job gets lost. Something happens that smashes us. The blow knocks us back to the side of the narrow path, causing us to shutter. We scream. We cry. We punch our fists at the sky. We believe that since we gave our life completely and totally to the living Savior we deserve more than this. Weren’t we “owed” less pain.

Then our friends like those of Job come a long and that doesn't help either. Maybe we should just leave this "ministry thing." Maybe we were sinners. Worst of all they tell us of truth so riddled with trite platitudes it rings hollow. Their help is not helpful at all.

We make a choice to keep “ministering.” That is what we are supposed to do, right? Some of us go numb and just ignore the hurt all together. Others lose hope. Some pretend it is fine, while crying themselves to sleep at night. Bitterness creeps in. Joy is lost. All the while we go through the motions.

Three years ago my sister was taken unexpectedly. Yesterday, a church drama made me think of her. The tears racked my body. I forgot how much I miss her on this side of eternity. I realized I have moved forward. However, I have not ”gotten over” it. It is not always the "tragedy," that gets us. More often it is the day to day living that wears me out. This was the Christmas I thought there would be "extra" money, instead I am out of work "officially." This was the year I thought the doctors would figure out my sickness, they did not. My children have cycled through really difficult periods that make it hard to parent them. My marriage has been under attack. Old wounds that I thought were finally healed, proved themselves still oozing.

There lies the rub. What choice do I make? Do I leave ministry?
For some that is the answer. However, for others of us, we are called to keep ministering, even when we are broken.

Here is what I am learning:

1. Don't Pretend: My pastor says that God wouldn't have created tear ducts if he didn't know we would cry. The Lord wants me to wrestle through the other side of this.

2. God has not forgotten me: Over and again the Lord tells me that he is with the brokenhearted and crushed in Spirit. (Psalm 34:18, Isaiah 57:15 NLT). I can “cast my anxiety” on him, because he can handle it and he loves me that much.

3. Hold Onto Hope: I can wallow with the best of them. Depression is a horrible beast whose talons shred you. There are many battles, but the war is won. It's like the end of a great movie. We have to get through the climax and it makes us nervous. I can't stand to watch. Life is like that, it makes me want to hide. However, the reason we love those shows, is because of the beautiful ending. The difficulty makes the resolution that much sweeter. Looking to the ending, clinging to hope, this is a choice.

4. Choose Truth: During these times the last thing I "want" to do is pray, seek the Lord and dig into the Word. Instead I want to call a friend who will rage with me. Instead I make myself open my Bible, talk to my heavenly Daddy, fill my head with worship music, and chat with those who bring me to him.

5. Ask for/ Accept help: Anyone else bad at this one? If I am struggling I would rather hermit away. It is the hardest thing for me to do. Yet, I have to. I am petrified of what you will think of me if I can't do this on my own. I should be stronger. Truth is I’m not. I need you. I need your prayers. I need you to tangibly offer help. Then I have to hold onto your hand.

One day we will get to heaven. Standing at the door Jesus will have a smile that crosses his whole face when he sees us. Behind us comes the enemy with that axe in hand. The Lord draws us into his embrace while at the same moment swinging us inside. The axe comes down, while the hinges groan to a close. Pain, suffering and sickness were nipping at my heels. They are shut out, once and for all. Exhaling, we are home and safe.

On earth that blade may seem to chop us to apart. For now we are "stuck" here where it can whittle away at us. In the end all it can really do is make our life supremely uncomfortable. While I hate it as much as you do the cross and resurrection changed everything. When we are scooping up the pieces, we must choose to remember.

Missing Christmas

2011-12-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

For a very long time now it feels like each year the "true" meaning of Christmas gets lost for me. Each year I am involved in some sort of extravaganza that brings gifts into my community.
Don't get me wrong I love it. I love to bless people. I love to see my neighbors empowered as they come to the Christmas "store" to pick out what they will be giving to their children.

However, each year it has become harder and harder to focus in on what really matters. I run around. I put the awesome program in order. I say I am doing it for Christ, but sometimes I can forget that I am celebrating him.

There was the year that we didn't have time for a Christmas tree, so bought one of the side of a guys house on Christmas eve. All the while I was sobbing that my own children, were going to miss out. Every year I kill myself two days before the holiday making Christmas cookies- because I love them- but that is the first time I can get into the kitchen. There is the sweating that we can't really afford to get anyone anything but wanting to. Then there is every single commercial that comes on telling me what I ought to "get" for Christmas. Each one I want. Each one I will never get. Then I resent it.

For almost a month the "holiday" music has been blaring in the background, while I simply go on with life. I just keep "doing" ministry. Just like the agenda of the Christmas outreaches, I have been about my ministry plan as well.

Then yesterday Christ reminded me of something so simple. I try so hard to "work" for him. Constantly, I am attempting to offer the best systems to get students on board with Jesus. All the while missing him.

It is so easy to get caught up in "what" I do for Jesus. Through a series of events my schedule has been less jam packed these days. What do I try and do? Fill it. Then I cry out to the Lord that I feel useless. At the same time I am telling my students they matter to the Lord- no matter what. I think I feel guilty. All I have to "give" is my time. So I should pour it out for him. Even on.. especially on.. Christmas.

It's all good stuff. We know that. The thousands (yes that many) presents that will get into the hand of the "hood" this weekend is a wonderful thing. However, it is never so vital as the wonder of who our Lord is. I had to stop today and breath in the joy of my Savior. Not just the baby who lays in a manger this time of year, but the king who left his throne to bring me reconciliation.

On the way into school everyday my kids pray for their day. Today my 6th grader told Jesus, "Happy Birthday." Once again I was struck with how the best agendas really don't matter in light of our Saviors birth.

Why I'm A Failure at Ministry.

2011-12-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

No I am not depressed. I am not wallowing. I think it is truly more of a resolve.

Let me explain. In the eyes of the church there are many ways that we define success. I have missed the mark on all of them- successfully.

1. I have planted and watered, way more than I have harvested.

A friend of mine told me a couple months ago about a file of "thank you" notes that he keeps from his past students. In 20 years of ministry I have...

One.

One thank you note that a student wrote for being in my youth program. In 20 years.

Out of all the students that I have ministered to I know for a fact that two of them are walking with the Lord.

Urban youth ministry is brutal. Spending yourselves on behalf of others is brutal. We spend all of our time pouring ourselves out to tend the seed, then most of the time someone else gets to see the fruit.

2. I don't market myself or my ministry.

I forget to put up a Facebook status most of the time. I just can't think of anything spiritual or witty to say. I can't wrap my mind around why you care what I'm doing. I don't measure my words in tweetable moments. I simply want to pour into the next generation of those ministering to youth. The idea of trying to "get my name" out there is exhausting.

3. I'm caring less and less about the "polish" of ministry.

Please don't misunderstand. This is in no way an excuse to run rough shod through ministry not caring how things "go." I feel like students deserve a well thought out time with them. However, the "pressure" of this polish overwhelms me. Thinking through every detail for the purpose of a good show has become too much for me. I have done it. For years. Recently, I stepped back and took a look at the way Jesus did ministry. He preached to the crowds out of a great compassion for them. He touched and healed the people. He taught the 12. He poured into the three. He just spent time with everyone. It was ordered. It was planned. It was messy.

4. I intimidate (and sometimes annoy) people.

My intensity level is through the roof. This past weekend I had the opportunity to spend some down time at a concert with a good friend, my daughter and my niece. My friend had the girls rolling in laughter with silliness. I have no clue how to be that way. I can be goofy- but every conversation I have is focused. I spend every moment wanting to see Christ change a heart. Even if I play games with the kids, it with a "point." Have I mentioned that I can't shut up? I can't tell you how many times through the years I have had someone tell me I am simply "too much." It is impossible for me to not give you over 100% of myself in everything. I don't know if I can say that I'm "good" at speaking truth into the lives of youth and youth workers, but I simply can't help it.

5. I have missed all the "marks" of success.

I always feel like I am sort of missing it. A couple of years ago I attended a dinner for a friend that was celebrating 20 years in ministry. I thought back to my own "milestones" in ministry. They had come and gone. Honestly, this 20th year that I am currently in will come and go as well. I always thought that the world would know my name while I was still "young." Can I he honest here? I really thought I would be the next Francis Chan (the girl version.) I thought the masses would recognize my wisdom and flock to hear what I have to say. I am no longer considered "young" in any way, it hasn't happened. I still feel like I am muddling through this ministry thing. By this point I was sure that there would be more to offer. I actually don't even have a completed graduate degree.

There are so many moments that my husband sit on the couch on a Saturday night thinking, "We thought we would be successful by now." There are more stories of falling down than building up. We live in the city just living. Few notice. Are we the only ones who have this conversation?

So why do I do it?

Calling.

The Lord asked me to show up. He asked me to make disciples. He summoned me to follow. He told me so very clearly to spend time with the broken. The ache of my heart is to transformation in the next generation. Sometimes that is through being with them. Sometimes it is through training others how to be with them. I can't stop. Jesus asked me to. I love him too much not to.

The Lord is faithful.

Planting and watering and tending the plant eventually leads to fruit. At some point the harvest happens. I plant, someone else waters, he causes the increase. He ALWAYS shows up. I keep looking to him for that to happen.

A friend of mine asked me recently if it was the definition of insanity to keep going back to do ministry in an environment that is void of hope. "There is nothing we can do to get them to accept what Christ offers."

Nope I can't.

But- the Holy Spirit WILL show up. I believe it.

Every single time.

My hope is in Him and nothing else.

Eating Your Own Words...

2011-12-09T10:00:00.001-05:00

This past week I heard my own words preached back at me. It was a sermon I have given many times, given to me.

Once again the concept convicted and spurred me forward.

The topic?

Making Disciples.

Did you know that we were not called to grow the church? Not called to count the souls in the seats? Not charged to calculate the tithe?

That's God's job.

Our charge goes something like this: "Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”" Matthew 28:19

In other words Jesus was saying, go and do what I showed you how to do.

But we don't do it. Especially those of us who are in ministry leadership. Especially me.

We create an experience. We preach a sermon. We give you a place to worship. We celebrate the number at the alter that week.

I don't always make disciples.

Why?

1. I tell you but don't show you how.

It's easy to stand in front of you, talk at you and hope you will "get it." I thoroughly enjoy teaching and preaching. Why? I feel good at the end of my time. I know I have given a "good word" and now it's up to you to do something with it. HOWEVER, if I really want you to live a life for Christ I need to invite you to follow me around and show you what to do. This takes time, and energy. It also means that when you don't listen, when you don't do it right and when you don't want to, it doesn't feel so nice anymore.

2. What will you emulate?

Do I want you to become a "mini" me? Nope. I am a mess. I DO want you to become a Christ follower. A disciple is watching and imitating the one they follow. This means I have to make 100% sure that I am pressing in closer to the Lord so that I am teaching you his ways and not mine. I am scared to get close, because being me can be a scary thing.

3. I would have to redefine success.

In the eyes of this planet we look to the leaders that guide the masses. Totals matter. If I am discipling the way Jesus did, I will never have any real time for more than 12. Sure I will have compassion on the crowds, but my energy will go into a very small number. I would have to be all right with impacting a handful of people. I might not ever be famous at all.

4. I will need to simplify.

I overcomplicate things with extensive programming. I make sure the "show" is just right. Jesus never cared about that. How did he do it? He talked to people. He met the hurting at their point of need. He was incredibly patient. It was complex, but never confusing.

5. It will get sticky.

I will have to be in the thick of life with you. Jesus had to clean up after Peter on multiple occasions. Thomas had to see the wounds, even though he should have known better. John and James fought over who would get the best seat in heaven. Jesus didn't expect the crowds to stand at the foot of the cross. However, as he hung there and 11 were missing? When one on the "inside" betrayed him? Those were the ones that hurt his heart.

Yet, here is why I think Jesus did it this way and commissioned us to as well. He knew these would be the men to take the world for his name. He knew that by "discipling" them fully, they would eventually be the first leaders of the worldwide church. These would be the ones willing to die for his sake. Once it finally "clicked," it was for eternity. When we imitate these methods then apathy flies out the window.

You see when he looked into the eyes of those men he fully expected that the Holy Spirit was at work. That is why making disciples is so difficult. My job is to accept the commission given to me. It is God's job to move and do the work. I have to believe. Why? "The one who calls me is faithful and HE WILL DO IT." 1 Thes. 5:24 Every single time Christ looked those men in the eye he knew their hearts were stirring. He truly believed the father was at work in their lives. No matter the circumstances he trusted that the Spirit's tugging at their heart was stronger than that of the world. If I am going to embark on the "disciple" thing, bottom line is that I must believe that God WILL show up. Not just that he can. He is bigger than me. He WILL DO IT. HE WILL CHANGE THEM.

I am not always good at this. All right, I am miserable at it. However, once again the Lord spoke his words to my soul. "Make disciples." It's not a request.

It's a command.

Am I Pretty?

2011-12-08T09:34:00.001-05:00

When one of my girls was about 3 she used to have this little frilly blue dress. She referred to it as her "Cinderella Dress." She loved that thing. She would twirl and twirl and say to me, "Mommy don't I look so beautiful?"

There was a problem though. As this particular child would get "dressed up" for a special occasion she would begin to panic. She would ask me if her hair was alright, if her shoes were just right. All of her confidence would drain certain she just wouldn't look "right." Yes, at three. As a matter of fact her Dad and I started to dread these special occasions. When she was at home in that blue dress, she was a princess who had just entered the ball. Anytime it involved going out in public, it had to be perfect to the point of break downs and tantrums.

We, OK, I wondered if I had turned her into this? Had I so desperately been excited by having a little girl I had turned her into the "fairy" monster? By the time she was three she had two younger siblings. Was this her way of being "seen" in the midst of all the others?

Thankfully, this "phase" subsided. Fast forward to adolescence. Now we are in the midst of changing bodies and pimples. She is awkward and gawky. I am standing again in front of that 3 year old panicking again, "Mom am I pretty?" The old insecurities are back. This time I have no real idea why.

Her friends are wearing make up. She came to me recently and asked, "Mom I don't want to wear make up yet, should I want to? When do you think I ought to?" As a woman who wears make- up this makes me sad. What I feel like she is really asking me is, "At what point will the demands of the world get loud enough that I should listen?" Yet, we do it. Us women, we give in. Then there comes a point where some of us (like me) feel "ugly" if we leave the house without it.

Our girls are uncomfortable. They watch shows like the "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" and wonder "Why can't I look like that?"

This goes so far beyond whether or not they are wearing provocative clothes or struggling with how skinny they ought to be. This is when they start looking in the mirror and picking themselves apart. If I can just make my complexion clearer, my cheeks more rosy, my this that... then I will finally be attractive. Then someone will notice. Then I will be seen. Finally, I will have figured out how to be "pretty."

The problem is we lost that in the garden. The moment we took a bite of that fruit and figured out we were naked. That is the moment we started to "see" ourselves. There is only way to "get beyond it."

Take on the person of Christ.

My pastor explained it so eloquently last night. When we come to the cross we give Jesus all of our sin. We give him our flesh. We lay it all down and give it up. The problem when it stops there is that - we are empty.

What then happens as it says in 2 Corinthians, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." Yes, we know we are "indwelt" with the Holy Spirit when we accept this. However, have you ever thought about the fact that we take his gift, put it on, take it in, and we "become" this? The nakedness of the garden is gone. It is clothed in Christ.

Yet, how do I help a young woman look into the mirror and see she is "enough" when everyone else is telling her she is not? That tiny girl in the dress has always been exquisite. I believe issues like cutting, eating disorders and even suicide would be profoundly diminished in girls if they could see the Creator's reflection in the mirror. Let's face it, the world muddies her with it's labels minute by minute.

The truth is: IT IS A CONSTANT BATTLE.

You are saying, "Uhuh." No take those words in- we are running head long into war second by second. It is not just once a day. It means every time you see a girl telling them, "You know you are beautiful, Stunning. Lovely. Gorgeous. In Jesus.. you are just... right.... enough

NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE TELLS YOU.

But as we have heard sticks, stones and words hurt. It takes much less time to tear down than to build up.

What is our responsibility?

Become the armor bearer of a young lady. They need someone who will be leaning in close and whispering the truth minute by minute. Swatting the lies as pesky flies that CAN be trapped and squashed. They may not know yet how to put on the full armor of God. So we need to help them learn how.

As a woman we have a responsibility and I charge you with it today.

We need to "make disciples," the way Jesus did. He was with his "guys" when they were laying down, when they were walking, constantly. Each time he told them who he was and how to live for him that was the time he expected them to understand.

We must stop just standing near them and hope they will comprehend how to become "women of God." It's time to get involved. It's time to teach them how.

Will you take just one girl? Just one? Will you make the time?

Did you catch that? We have to get with God and take on his righteousness. See his reflection. Show the next generation how to do it.

It is NOT A LOST CAUSE. It is not too big. It starts by showing up in the life of a girl.

Plan B Christmas

2011-12-01T09:19:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine likes to say, "Our Plan B is still God's Plan A." The older you get the more you utter, "This isn't how I thought it would turn out," under your breath.

It has gotten me wondering lately that getting pregnant with the Son of God was Mary's "plan b."

She was minding her own business. We know she loved the Lord and had gotten engaged to a great guy named Joseph. Her whole life was ahead of her.

Then WHAM in one conversation it all changes. Here is what we know from Luke 2:

" Gabriel appeared to her and said, “Greetings, favored woman! The Lord is with you![d]”
Confused and disturbed, Mary tried to think what the angel could mean. “Don’t be afraid, Mary,” the angel told her, “for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David. And he will reign over Israel forever; his Kingdom will never end!”

Yes, I know. It's Christmas time and we all know the story.

I read it imagining this serene young woman, on her knees praying. The angel appears and she quietly bows to him uttering, "Of course. This is the day I have been waiting for."

That isn't how it happened. The angel greets her, and she is confused and upset. Her reaction is more like, "What on earth are you talking about?" She goes on with little excitement saying, "So exactly how could this go down? You do know I am a virgin right?" Gabriel explains and all she can say is, "Well, I am the Lord's and if this is what he wants, well I want his will."

This "plan" affects her, for the rest of her life. Joseph practically divorces her. At 12 she loses her son. Frantic he tells her, "Mom you should have known I would be with Dad." What does that mean? God? As an adult she launches him into ministry at a wedding. A couple of years later she wants the honor deserved for being his Mom and her son ignores her. Finally, she stands at the foot of a cross to watch her baby boy take her sin on his shoulders.

It never makes sense to her. Track the number of times it says in the Gospels, "She pondered it in her heart." Mary thought on it. She followed her God. It was never easy.

This was not her plan. Was it the better plan? Of course. Do I think it always felt like the better plan? No. The moment she said, "Whatever you want Lord," was the moment she signed on for earthly heartache. Did she get married to Joseph eventually? Yes. Did she have other children? Yes. My point is that there were elements of "regular" that happened to this woman, but her life was far from normal.

Isn't this a huge part of the story of Christmas?

God's plans and ways and thoughts are not ours. They are better...

It doesn't always seem that way in the moment.

My daughter's youth pastor has been teaching a lot lately on being passionate for Christ. He has been pushing the kids to be diligent and faithful. It has gotten me thinking a lot about how I teach kids, including my own to be "sold out" for the Lord.

We need to have a, "Here I am Send Me." attitude. However, both Isaiah (who said it originally) and Mary had something in common. They didn't run to the Lord and beg him to use them. Instead, he showed up and said, "Will you be mine. Fully? Do whatever I ask?"

They said yes.

Then they were willing to lay themselves aside and be totally his. It was never comfortable. They rarely understood why. They struggled. They grappled. Yet, they continued on with the knowledge that somehow the Lord would get glory from this.

In the end the accepted "Plan B," with humility, integrity and tenacity.

During this Christmas season I am wondering if that is a message we can get out? Are you willing for the sake of the Living God to lay yourself, your plans, your wants, your will aside? Are you willing to know it will be really hard and step up anyway? Will you be alright that it will never make sense here on earth? Can you lay down success in the eyes of the world?

Can we worship a King that was born to die? When he shows up will the answer be my "Plan A" didn't matter anyway.

I just keep thinking. If this generation continues to say "OF COURSE," to God and "NO" to self, won't we all be radically changed?

No they won't be asked to carry a Savior as a virgin. However, the ripple effectwill be pretty spectacular.

Not Who They Were Meant To Be...

2011-11-30T09:16:00.001-05:00

I saw the update yesterday on Facebook:

"I wish I was skinny like you."

It was from a 12 year old girl to her 13 year old best friend.

Overheard in the van on our way to an amusement park from a 14 year old girl to her 15 year old friend:

"You're so lucky, you can see you're ribs. I wish that I could."

It starts young and it lasts a lifetime. Our identity as we move from childhood to women starts with our shape and size. Our love affair with the scale is getting younger and younger.

Compare. I look sideways at you and decide I should look more like you. You look at me and decide my body is better. In the meantime we are both peering at the airbrushed version of a celebrity and deciding that we should have their shape or lack there of.

We want to be seen as beautiful. We want to be enchanting. We want to walk in a room and be told that we are simply and wonderfully lovely. It is the hole in our heart that sin stole away.

I do it. Every day. If I could be less bottom heavy. If my arms were simply less wobbly. If I could look more like a Barbie Doll then it will all be better. This is the root of the mirror. From here I overanalyze all the rest.

I wonder if I am the one that perpetuates it in my own daughters. Do I continue on this cycle of self deprecation? How do I make it stop? I want off this horrible Merry-Go-Round. Saying it is about the inside while I try to whittle away my own outside.

Most of all I want more for my children. I want more for the next generation of girls. Can we get off the scales, walk away and genuinely not care? Can we stop following the "worst beach bodies" around with cameras? Can we stop celebrating the size 0 on the front cover of every magazine? Can we stop telling our girls platitudes and start helping them see?

Here is what I have realized. You just telling me, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made," means nothing. I feel good at the moment and then it rolls off my back. Tomorrow I am anxious that my favorite jeans no longer fit. It must move from words in my head to where my identity lies.

As a woman I rarely feel celebrated. My physique is one item I feel like I can control. I have said it before and I will say it again, at least I can walk in the room and take your breath away. You can't see my soul when I come through the door. We girls are judgmental. It starts early and we learn well how to sit in the corner and pick others apart.

I think women need to step up and show our girls a simple truth:

"You don't have to be perfect." "Stop stressing your dress size."

God made us the size he did on purpose. Should we seek to be healthy? Of course. Should we be obsessive? No.

Here are a couple of starting points:

1. Admit to your girls you struggle with body image as well. Tell them that you look at the scale way too often. I certainly do. I just got off the phone with a friend who does as well. Be aware and be honest. It isn't how God meant it and we need to be conscious. Let them know you are seeking the Lord as they are in this.

2. Start talking about the truth of our identity. Every time you meet with girls tell them what Christ loves about them. Lead studies on how Jesus sees us. Talk about how you were made a girl on purpose with the body you have on purpose. Let them be truthful about how they feel and why they struggle. Keep filling them with the WORD and what it means to them personally.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised." Proverbs 31:20

"Lies Young Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh is a great book to begin with. Check out the website here.

3. Have a "Tear it down, Build it up," party. Have a night with young women when you they write down all the lies they believe about their body image. Every single one. Write them on tissues with washable markers (or dissolvable paper). Then have them put them in a bowl of water, watching while the water washes the lies away. Talk about how the "Living Water" takes it all, absorbing it into himself. Then spend the night pampering the girls. It is fine to enjoy being a girl. Have them paint each others nails. Find aways to celebrate being feminine. Be creative. Find ways for them to celebrate who they are and tell each other truths. Tear down the false identity and build into the new one.

4. Teach girls how to be healthy. One of the activities I have run over the years is a cooking class. Teaching students about how to use what is in their cupboards to create healthy meals and snacks. They also start adding small items to their parents' grocery lists. Help them find ways to be active that they enjoy. If they are not in sports, what do they like to do? Feeling like we are taking care of the body that God gives us, helps in that first step to having a healthier view of ourselves.

5. Throw out the scale and make them do it too. Universal clothing sizes were actually created by the military to enable mass production of uniforms. A size 2 in one store can easily be a size 6 in another. We have to buy clothes we feel good in ( and that are modest, but that is another post.). Take girls shopping and teach them how to find clothes that fit their body shape. I am never going to wear a pair of skinny jeans. I simply don't feel attractive in them. Cut the tags out of your clothes. We don't need to it, if looks great on us.

Ultimately, I want to help girls see who God loves them to be. We were meant for more than deciding that a number on our waistline is the right one. There is too much to do for the Lord. Living defeated and wrongly focused is the enemies goal. When we embrace who we are in Christ, well then that love makes us totally about his business.

Did I mention that this conversation- the studies- this is an ongoing conversation. All the time. We have to fight. Fight with our girls. Fight for our girls. Fight for ourselves as women.

I am looking for a generation of young ladies who will come with as we take back what is stolen from us.

Come with.

None Of Us Know What To Do...

2011-11-29T09:28:00.001-05:00

You spend time preparing for the arrival of your child. Reading books, picking out a space for them to live, you prepare.

Then the moment comes when you bring them home. No matter how it happens through birth, fostering or adoption the same panicked feeling takes over.

Before the child you 100% knew how to parent.

Now that the child is here you have 0% idea of what you are doing. As a matter of fact you can't believe that anyone actually let you have them.

Inadequate.

This feeling takes over for the rest of eternity. Before children you think it is about 18 years. At arrival the realization that you have signed on to parent for a lifetime. You aren't sure which will end first, their life or yours.

It only get worse the more you add to the mix. Now you have different personalities. Each one is unique and they need a slightly modified version of you. You can maybe figure out the basics like bedtimes and boundaries, but the sense of, "Man am I just messing them up," only grows.

Then they start to grow up. It moves beyond, "If you touch the hot stove you will get burned." Now they want to know why, all the time. The strong willed one pushes harder to get their own way. The tantrums that should have ended at 2 are still going strong. Why couldn't you break them of that? Your fearful child becomes an anxious pre-teen. Why couldn't you help them know in the Lord there is no fear? The child who accepted Jesus into her heart at 4 is now the one doubting if he is real. Why couldn't you have built a better foundation?

What if you don't have Christ to guide you at all? Then what do you do? I can't even IMAGINE attempting the parenting thing without him. But, so many do.

Let's face it parenting is exhausting. Parenting pre-teens and teens is the equivalent to me of hiking Mt. Everest on a daily basis.

My husband and I find ourselves both pulling out our hair and driven to our knees daily. At one point I thought there would come a point when we got a clue. I am finding as they develop and push to be older it only gets more complicated. I don't know about you but we keep looking for a formula.

Recently, I read this amazing article about parenting teens and getting them to be better communicators. It impacted me so deeply I tried the techniques that very day. My youngest asked me why I was acting so weird. It flat out failed with my son. So much for that set up.

We have taught them to quote scripture. We have turned them towards Jesus. We are trying.

In the end that's all we've got. We are trying. My husband looked at me the other day and said, "I think all we can do is pray, stay the course, and be patient. There is no magic wand to make this easier. All we can do is not give up on them or on being their parents."

The older my own children become the less I am judging parents of the teens in my ministry. Some are exhausted and so they just sort of "gave up and gave in." They are leaving their teens to their own devices. Others handle it by holding on too tight with an attempt to control every minute of the day. Still others think that their kids are "ready to be on their own." So they give them loads of freedom. Finally, there is the parent that hands their child to the "professionals." I mean us youth workers want to be with kids, so we obviously know what we are doing.

I personally keep waiting for someone to come and say, "Hey, can I take an interest in your child. Can I walk this out with you?" I am a youth worker, and have been for a long time, and I keep hoping someone will aid me too. It is part of adolescent development that teens look to groups of adults to fill in the gaps and guide them. They are not looking for simply one. First and foremost studies show they are looking to their parents while they act like they don't want them. Proverbs 11:14 tells us, "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." They are looking to all of us.

In my walk with parents though, I think I have not done a great job at telling them why I am here. So they tell me they simply want better communication and well kept calendars. "Tell me what you are doing so I can get my child to you," is what they say. However, when I get them face to face the heart says, "Maybe you will do a better job than I am, so here they are."

What I have started to say in return is, "I have no idea what I am doing either. How about we walk this together. Your child needs both of us, really more you than me."

This afternoon my son has a soccer game. It's nice when his youth guy is there. He loves it when his grandfather comes. Yet, he looks pleadingly at his father and I saying, "Can you be there for me? I NEED you on the sidelines." Honestly, I have a lot to do today. I want to make excuses to be somewhere else. I don't even like soccer. As a parent these years are so rough we forget our kids are saying, "I need you. Please don't give up on me yet." If my own child is saying this, then as the youth pastor shouldn't I cheer on the parents to come with?

I used to think my job as a youth worker was to play the game of life with the student. Then I thought my job was to set it up so the parent could help them hit it strong and home. Now I see really what my role is. I am a grounds keeper. When they show up for the game, they shouldn't even truly notice the work I have done. For the parents and the child are the ones in the midst of the game.

Don't give up on telling parents you are there for them and that you love their children with them. Don't take over for them. I wish you wouldn't judge us or point fingers. Please pray for us and our kids. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we fall down horribly. Will you be there to help us along? Will you remind us how vital it is now more than ever that we simply show up? Cheer us on to keep trying. We need you as much as our kids do.

Oh- and when you have it all figured out can you tell me, because I am desperate here.

An Apple or a Cup of Coffee?

2011-11-28T09:36:00.001-05:00

Walking into the Apple store I am immediately greeted by a chipper customer service rep who wants to meet my every need at the door. If I tell them I am "just looking" they leave me to play and check out their products. The hope is that the more I figure out that I can't live without it, the more I will want it. Usually, for me it works. I plug at the keys, touch the screen, experience the vivid color and I want more. After I have owned it for awhile, I can get a shining face to fix it, at no charge, while being very helpful.

Apple is known for it's customer service. They are known for putting "people first." Their motto even has to do with a person being their main commodity or something like that. They want to teach me how to best use what I own. However, as their smiles peer over my shoulder I am always suspicious that what they really want from me is to buy MORE, MORE, MORE...

As a nation. Goodness as a world. We do. I read an article on CNN that stated that the company actually has more money than the US government. I consume. I want more. The culture they have created lulls me into a sense of needing what they have.

I know- DUH- they are a retailer at the end of the day. Their goal is not for me the person to have a better experience truly. They want to create an Apple zealot that will be faithful for life. Good products. Good service.

Contrast however, walking into Starbucks today. After 10 days away from home, I was greeted like a lost family member. I didn't even have to tell them my drink order, for they knew it already. My Barista and I talked of Thanksgiving and family. I felt like it mattered that I had come back. When I am not around for awhile, they ask me where I have been. At Starbucks it is all about the experience. They don't care if I drink one cup and it lasts 12 hours. They let me savor it, and the atmosphere.

Instead of pushing me through with a plastic smile, they warmly invite me to return.... without ever asking. I want to be here in this place because they care I am here. It isn't about what I buy. This is what makes me loyal. Faithful to this place and this coffee for a lifetime.

Sure at the end of the day it is much easier to purchase a $4 cup of coffee daily than a $500 ipad2. There is no way I can go to Apple and get something all of the time. Both are looking for me to sign on with them, forever. Yet, the two experiences have gotten me thinking lately.

If I were to create a culture in a ministry which would I choose to emulate? Both of these companies create a sense of brand loyalty that goes beyond many others. We are not simply attached to the item we buy (although the sale is the point for both at the end of the day), we are drawn to the feeling we have when we buy it. While both make me feel good- one pushes the sale, while the other creates an experience.

Do I want to be about the sale or the experience? Do I want to be about Christ or about the business of doing ministry? There is a subtle difference. Do I want my people to be about the "sale" of Jesus or about people wanting to be a part of a relationship with him? At the end of the day of course the major difference in ministry is that it isn't about the purchase at all.

In the end ministry of course is not a business. We can treat it that way. We can be about our plastic smiles, half open arms, and polished buildings. I can sit around sweating about how many more I have brought in. The numbers can be equally as important in ministry as in Apple or Starbucks. Yet, I have to question who is their "brand loyalty" to? At the end of the day it should never, ever be to me or my ministry. At the end of the day a better program, a great song or an awesome space has never changed a life. It is the Holy Spirit who meets them there.

Will we treat "one" that comes through as vital to the kingdom? Will it not be about selling and about them understanding? Should it even be about the experience?

The question is really this: Will we let them be with the Lord while we get out of the way? Will we trust what is important to the Living God and live for him?

Today I am questioning the culture I create. Will you join me?

See You Monday

2011-11-23T10:26:00.001-05:00

I am thankful. Thankful for Christ. Thankful for his calling. Thankful for my family. Thankful for friends. Thankful that this week I have been able to spend seeing fall in a place that I forgot to miss.

When you live in perpetual sunshine the one downfall is that you don't get to experience seasons. Where I am today I can see the changing leaves, and honestly a little bit of cool rain.

I had every intention this week of having timed posts ready to go on here.

I had every intention of writing while I was away.

Obviously, it hasn't happened.

I have been neither witty or smart this week. Instead, I have entirely realized that when I don't have a million things to do, I don't know what to do.

So here I am.

Praying that each of you, can take some time to breathe. Sit. Enjoy family. Simply put I will get back to my opinions on Monday.

Finally, I am thankful to each of you that are willing to read these words.

Their 2nd Biggest Fan

2011-11-17T09:57:00.001-05:00

I have never been a sports fan. I wasn't brought up around sports. I was horrible at them. To this day I trip over my own feet.

That was until I got into college. I went to UMass Amherst, during the years that we had a close to amazing basketball team. I got totally caught up in the games, the fun, and the midnight madness. I shouted the names of my favorite players along with everyone else. We became fanatics. We bought the shirts, and proudly donned maroon and grey in honor of our school. Players took the court. Thousands of us were there to let the team know they were loved and we were all in this together. Like these guys, we painted our faces and tripped over each other to let the team know we were their greatest support.

In my own life, I never experienced the power of crowds calling my name. When you are in the band the masses do not show up to yell, "WOOOHOOOO PLAY THAT TRUMPET!" But, my parents did. Every concert. They were the first ones to their feet with applause. Every play, they came to all the showings. Every science fair, my Dad would stand in the basement helping me analyze things like nuclear energy, often until the wee hours. Every good grade I brought home. Every triumph they were there cheering.

They were also there with every tear I cried. They were there when my first boyfriend broke my heart. They picked me up when the bullies knocked me down. They had my back and supported me. When I didn't really want to go to that party? You know the one that would get me in trouble anyway. The one in High School no one should have been at but everyone wanted to be? They were my excuse.

Recently I heard an interesting quote about teens. The gentlemen speaking said that most parents do a great job of celebrating our kids when they are babies. Everyone takes off of work to see the three year old sing, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." However, the older they get the less we show up. They tell us they don't want us there anymore and we believe them. Yet, as children we have told them to "look to the bleachers," where we will be cheering them on. We have shown up at the five year old soccer game and told them they were great. Somewhere along the way we stop. They are still looking to the proverbial sidelines waiting for us to scream their name.

I remember being in about fourth grade. My Dad took off work to chaperone a field trip. I can't even tell you where we went that day. I think it might have been Plymouth Rock, maybe. What I remember vividly was my Dad coming to school with me. He was the only Dad that came. All the other chaperones were Moms. He came in and sat down and looked around, very seriously, then broke into a smile and declared, "Who wants to be in the most fun group?" I distinctly recall a classmate whispering in my ear on the way home that day, "You're Dad was right, this was the most fun group." I was so proud. There was the time my Mom was one of the only parents to accompany our group to the Boston Pops. I recall falling asleep on her lap on the ride home.

Sometimes with kids it is as simple as showing up. Just this week my son told my husband, "Dad I like it when you come to my soccer games. You are sort of like a coach that cheers me on."

As parents that is what we are. Coaches who cheer our kids on.

However, in the youth ministry world, let's face it, we see, not every parent is good at this. I often grapple with my place in these kids lives. Do I become their biggest fan? Isn't it more important for them to have at least one fan as opposed to no fans? If the parent won't be there shouldn't I step in?

Every story is different. Sometimes there is just one parent with multiple children. They are so exhausted with life, they forget to cheer. Others believe it when their children say, "I don't need you." Backing away is how they are teaching them to grow up. I could sit here and tell scenario after scenario that explains why parents aren't showing up. Some just feel inadequate as they attempt to "be there."

I think the answer is two fold.

1. I remind the parent's that their kids want them to show up. They are saying, "GO AWAY," with their mouth. They are saying, "BE HERE!" with their hearts. I provide some ways that parents can show up with their kids. I have family game night, and family dinner night. I do all that I can to get as many parental figures in the room. I might need to use creative communication to get them there. It starts with me believing they will show up. I can easily say, "Well that kid will have no one there." They might. However, I believe that kid will have someone until they are NOT there. When I am with parents I pass out easy ways to "show up" in their kids lives. We forget sometimes it is just as simple as taking the time to make time with our kids. In our house every Friday is "Pizza and a Movie Night." That's it. When we don't have it the kids revolt. Even my 19 year old.

2. I become the "2nd" biggest fan. I find out from my youth what they want people at. Is there a big game or a show or a recital? Then I intentionally find out the names of other kids on the field as well. I become the Aunt to those. I am cheering for the kid I know as loud as possible. For others I am letting them know, "Someone in the stands knows your name." They might even have a parent there with me. That simply doubles the cheering section.

Our youth are "looking to the stands" for those that will let them know they are worth it. They are listening for their name with excitement above the crowd.

Just this weekend I was dropping a student off of the van after our programs. I said to him, "Hey Travis, I just want you to know how much I appreciate you coming. You are faithful every week, and I see you growing into a leader." He barely looked at me when I spoke. It was quick, less than a 15 second interaction. A smile flashed across his totally cool and put together exterior. He jumped off the van with a spring in his step. Sometimes "showing up" is as simple as reminding a student who they are in Christ. They can't always see their true reflection as the "Creator's created," and we have to show them what it looks like. It is one of the most powerful ways that we let them see that their true "biggest fan" has been rooting for them since the beginning of time. They can always look to the stands, for all of eternity and he has lost his voice screeching their praise.

If we can be crazy at a sporting event, how much more do you think its going to be when we see the Lord? We will be ecstatic as we see him. Yet, he will be waiting jumping up and down, screaming our name, donning our colors, not able to hold back how glad he is we made it. Close your eyes and think of it for a second. Isn't that what you are waiting for?

When we show up... we are helping our kids learn that is for today.. every day and all time. They may not be able to imagine that day face to face with the Lord. Every time you cheer as a parent or a youth worker we can say, "That was just a shadow of how God feels about you. Isn't that awesome?'

I think it is.

Wants.. Needs and Choices

2011-11-15T09:30:00.001-05:00

It all started with a coffee table.

At the time John and I had been married for about 3 years. While my other friends were coming to a place in life when they were buying homes, cars and new furniture, still I felt like we were living in a college dorm. The only 2 pieces of furniture that were not "hand me downs," were our bed and the baby's crib. Others that I knew were picking out kitchen cabinets and styling their houses as they chose. My home donned the past style of whatever someone else was tired of.

For me the epitome of where we were was our 30 year old coffee table. The same coffee table my husband grew up sitting at while he did homework in front of the television as a child.. While the sentimentality was sweet, I had found a new one I really liked in the LL Bean catalogue. It wasn't a lot of money. However, it was too much money for us.

The Lord had "called" us into full time paid youth ministry. Both of us. This was our source of income. While we were "making" a fair wage, as they say, it was still less than many others in our peer set. On top of that the Lord blessed us with three babies in 21/2 years. I was pregnant for number one just 4 months after we got married. So here we were 5 of us, living in a two bedroom apartment. Looking around I got jealous. I focused entirely on what I did not have.

So one day in a women's Bible study, I lamented. "Is it so wrong just to want one new coffee table?" That is when another one quipped, "Well, this is the life you chose, so now you have to just accept that this is the way that it is."

Ouch. Yes, I knew that we wouldn't be "rich" by any standard, but honestly I was unprepared for how much we would struggle financially. I never realized what I would "go without," or more honestly how much I would wish I had.

Going home I licked my wounds. I had wanted those women to join in my struggles. It wasn't just about the furniture. Christmas was around the corner and I didn't know how presents would get under the tree. The car had broken down that week and I wasn't sure how it would get fixed. I wanted them to see that I was unprepared that it never seemed to get any "better." One paid bill was replaced with another unpaid one.

That was the day that the Lord started me on a lifelong adventure of wants, needs and choices.

Fast forward many, many years and our finances are in the same predicament. Our mini van got hit in the middle of the night last week and has a huge dent in it, we can't afford to fix it. 14 years into marriage and while the furniture has changed we have never purchased anything new. They are nice hand me downs, but I didn't pick them out. Still there is no coffee table. As a matter of fact my bed now dons a bedspread that I hate, but it was free. By ministry standards we are paid pretty well. Yet, money is not falling off the tree. By the world's standards you can not really measure our success. There is no awesome SUV. We do not have fashionable clothes. Honestly, there isn't even a 401K. My friends who have "real jobs" (as I am told they are called), have gotten nicer cars, bigger homes and taken vacations we will never take.

Can I be honest? I want to keep looking at them in envious glances. It does not feel all that "noble" to be staring down the barrel of yet another Christmas that will look sparse to the kids. (Yes, I know that isn't what the holiday is about, but my love language is gifts and I love to shower people with them.)

I know I don't NEED those things. But, boy do I WANT them.

I WANT an ipad 2. I WANT a new bedspread. I WANT a coffee table. At this point I just want to not sweat the bills anymore. All I have to do is to turn on my 20 year old television that gets three channels (literally) to see what I "deserve." There are vehicles and meals and trips and jewelry.

Then one day someone helped change my perspective. The reality is that I did choose to follow the Lord's voice. When I did, there were consequences. It meant that some things in this life might be uncomfortable. It meant no coffee table.

I can know the difference between wants and needs and still hold bitterness. My needs might be met but I deserve my wants. After all I give my life in service. I am owed it right?

Nope.

I do have a choice of how I look at this. Every time I am looking at the "stuff" I forget that this is about Jesus. In the shadow of who he is and what he has done, this is such a small price to pay. It is the secret to Philippians 4:12 and 13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Choice is the secret to contentment. We have to remove the idea of what we can and can't have from our vocabulary and begin to say, "I choose to live this way." In other words, "I choose to pick up my cross daily in this way. It's more about HIM than ME."

For I could choose debt and have more stuff. Living simply comes with the territory of God's calling for this family.

Truth is that I don't know if our finances will ever change.

I can make some choices to:

1. Remember it is the Lord that takes care of us. (See Matthew 6:19-34) When we do what he asks it means we are declaring that HE is our master and he won't let us fall apart. Through the years we have gotten unexpected financial gifts. Sometimes from people we don't know. I have had free dental work done on more than one occasion, a lot of it. (I have bad teeth, it's genetic.) We have had people step up and pay our bills or send us on vacation. There has never been anything that we genuinely could not live without that the Lord hasn't provided. He does it. Not our paycheck. Sometimes we even get those "wants" in the mix. There has never been once that the Lord hasn't definitively taken care of this family.

2. Stop saying, "I can't have that." We also stopped using the verbiage, "We can't afford it," with our kids. It has been powerful in helping them to not resent when there friends have "things" they don't get. For example we might not be able to afford ice cream and fast food in the same weekend. Let's say the Lord blessed us to afford one. We would ask our kids, "We can choose one. Ice cream or Fast Food. I know we would like both, but we need to choose one. Which would you like?" We also say, "We choose to walk with Jesus in what he asked us to do. That means sometimes we don't get all the "stuff" we want, but he always takes care of us." See, we switched perspective.

3. Stop visiting furniture stores. I live outside of a wealthy area. My kids have friends who live in what we call "McMansions." I can't avoid going to those homes. When I do, I prepare my heart for that green monster that will arise by praying first. I would like to say he never visits. He does. What I CAN avoid is going "window shopping." I can't handle it. I look around at what I really want and get cranky when I leave the store without it. For you it might not be housewares. It might be technology or the latest phone or even a gaming system. If you can't afford it... Don't go there. Avoid the internet sites. Put blinders on as you pass the Apple Store (I have to avoid there as well.)

4. Celebrate the calling. I wouldn't choose any other life. This is where the Lord placed me, and my family. When I have the honor to see a kid "Get Jesus," for the first time that is what brings me joy. That moment when they understand who they belong to, that is the moment I live for. Every mismatched chair and old pair of shoes blends into the back ground. We keep a huge jar of rocks in our front room. Every time the Lord shows up in a miraculous way in our life we write the event and date on a stone, and place it in the jar. When we are feeling low as a family, we sit down together and take the rocks out and go over them. It helps us remember what the Lord has done. He is faithful and he wants us to do this life this way.

5. Redefine Success: There may not be accolades. We may not "have" as the world does. However, all of heaven is throwing the party of the century each time a "lost one" comes "home." I get to go out every day with the Shepherd looking for the wandering sheep. When we find one and bring them home. That is success.

I am not going to claim it is always easy. There are others that actually like living simply. Truthfully, I don't always. Actually, I can have the tendency to be a big fat whiner. Then I remember the power of Phil. 4:13. We pull that verse out and throw it around. It follows a verse on contentment. It means I can be content to see the world through HIS eyes with HIS strength.

Who knows one day I might event get that coffee table? Although these days- I would much rather get the bedspread.

Caddy Girls and Angry Boys

2011-11-09T10:23:00.003-05:00

Sitting across from these two young men, everyone else had left small group. We were having a deep discussion about our identity and who it lies in. "Is it a bad thing to want to be a people pleaser," one asked with earnestness. This young man wanted so desperately to do what the Lord wants him to.

It was a great spark for conversation. We started to talk about who to follow and the pull that is in that area. "If it hasn't happened already," I said, " the time is coming very soon where the desire to please your friends may seem stronger than the desire to please God."

Students are dealing with a constant internal wrestling match. Who will they please? It makes them uneasy, and nervous. I would even say it is a consistent frustration that lurks in the corner. With the heaviness snipping at their heels they move from the "happy go lucky" child to the "brooding and angry" youth.

Fifth grade is the kick off. Kids look around, have questions and start noticing their life. They can tell you what is "fair" for them and what is not. They can see what is wrong. This is when it begins. Burst of angry fits in boys. Back biting in girls. Of course it can cross those lines back and forth, yet it starts the break down at about age 10.

By the time we are in Middle School it is in full throttle. The fighting increases on both sides. The way the fight is instigated just seems to be a little different. I have stood with girls in the midst of "she told so and so about me." I have seen boys puff their chests and swing fists to prove a point.

Either way it is there bubbling under the surface all the time. In an article that TIME magazine wrote about angry youth they had this to say as to the reason why it happens, "The teenager is trying to grasp the responsibilities and freedoms that come with entering the second epoch of life — that between childhood and adulthood. His identity is fragile, and it can be inevitable that anger comes with that."

You enter adolescence and everything spins out of control. For me it all started in 6th grade. My best friend wanted me to hold off on having my birthday party until she could be there. For some reason I said no. I don't know. I was 12. I wanted my party on my birthday and that was more important than whether or not my friend was there.

This broke our friendship in half. Sure that's painful enough to lose your best friend. In her anger she decided to start a movement that would cause my entire 6th grade class to laugh at me, constantly. She would organize others to sit around glaring at me in Science class. She would get groups of girls to point and whisper my name even when they weren't talking about me. Then one day she decided to pull a prank on me.

My Mom had put together a little kit incase I started my period at school. It just had some items in it including a pad so that I wouldn't have to ask another adult for anything during this sensitive time. One day my "friend" asked to go to the bathroom right before the end of school. I saw her slip out and I had a feeling something was about to go down. I waited three minutes and went to a different bathroom. She knew the combination to my locker. She strategically placed the pad so it was sticking out of my locker. Simply what I saw was her standing with two girls laughing and pointing, but they didn't see me . Once she left I went to check on what was going on. That's when I found the pad. Slipping back into class I was livid. However, at least I caught it in time. I was the last one out of class that day because I had a question. I rounded the corner to the alcove where my locker was. The ENTIRE 6th grade was standing around my locker and pointing and laughing. What I didn't know is that one of the other girls saw me remove it and went back to put it into place. I turned around hot faced with tears streaming. Screaming at her, she just stood there with arms crossed.

When I got off the bus that day I was sobbing so hard I have been told my Mom thought I was dying. It was awful. The rest of the year was spent with her trying to attack while I tried to survive.

Sometimes it is sarcasm, or quietness or rage that explodes. However, a missed birthday party was what started this spiral. If I could go back in time to that day she asked me to change it what she was really saying was, "I need to know that I know that you really are my best friend. Can you prove it to me by changing your party for me? Would you be willing to make me happy over yourself?"

The problem however is that very few 10- 17 year olds are mature enough to be able to talk about their feelings. They just feel them. I would equate it to that panic you get when you have a bad dream you think is real. Your heart thumps, you wake up in a cold sweat, disoriented and confused. Most youth have that going on in the pit of their stomachs 95% of the time.

The anger and frustration is not the issue. Learning what to do with it and how to identify it is where those of us with youth need to help. Navigating the water before adulthood is complicated.

How Can We Help?

1. Teach Communication Skills

I wish my friend had told me I hurt her. There is a good chance she didn't know exactly why. In our small groups and one on one times we need to teach youth how to listen. Ask pointed questions that helps to draw out their feelings. Teach them how to say things like, "When you say that it makes me feel..."

2. Think the "Golden Rule."

Treat others how you want to be treated is just another way of saying, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Help youth to think about what other people are feeling (or could feel) if they follow through on "acting out," in their anger. Had my friend thought for a second about how it would make her feel if that prank was on her, she most likely wouldn't have done it. However, youth are not known for thinking through to consequences. Instead, they think about the thrill of "success" (in this case sweet revenge.) We need to be proactive in talking students through potential scenarios they might encounter, so they are ready with a proper response.

3. Train about Anger

The emotion is not a bad thing. We all know that Jesus got angry. It is how we respond that matters. Bottling it up or throwing chairs are both improper responses. Self-Control is a Fruit of the Spirit. Proverbs 14:17 tells us, "Short-tempered people do foolish things and schemers are hated." The way react to our anger is what sets us apart. While exploding or back biting might feel good in the moment it actually might get you a reputation that brings you farther down the "popularity" ladder.

The summer after 6th grade my "friend" moved away. I remember arriving at school in 7th grade wondering if her legacy of wrath would follow. Vividly, I recall standing in line for a fire drill that week when someone asked if she had moved. I had been laying low to see what would happen. Someone else piped up and declared, "I don't know why we ever liked her, you know she was just plain mean." Exhaling, it was over. For now.

We all know it wasn't the last conflict I encountered through the end of HS, or life for that matter. I wish someone had taken the time to help me know how to handle others' anger, and my own. That year scarred me forever. As a matter of fact when my own daughter entered 6th grade I held my breath for how bad it would be. I never knew how to deal with my emotions through those years. That year made was one event among many that made me believe it was wrong to be myself and I should just hide. It took many years with the Lord for him to remind me that is not who I was created to be. If we start teaching students now, an entire generation will be able to lead, even in the midst of the adolescent struggle.

This is it?

2011-11-08T10:22:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time I had a romanticized idea of why the Lord "called" me to ministry.

He needed me of course. There was a great chasm in the universe without my hands serving. Only I could accomplish the purpose and plan that was set out before me. There was nothing He and I couldn't do. I heard his voice, and declared, "Here I AM, Send Me- Send Me"

The problem is that I had ideas of grandeur. I decided what this "calling" looked like. I attached the face of what I would call "success" to it. When I spoke thousands of students would come to Christ. As I entered a neighborhood, it would be transformed overnight. The more time I spent with a youth or their family, the more they would never backslide. My calling was for such a time as this to see the captives freed and the broken healed... instantaneously. I would put together the perfect packaged formula to take a generation from merely surviving to thriving in Christ.

I ignored stories like that of Isaiah. When he said, "SEND ME!" What the Lord asked him to do was to TELL the people. He even told Isaiah that they wouldn't listen. Still he was asked to preach. Guess what? NO ONE LISTENED. Same thing with Jeremiah. In his case there was one. Elijah was so defeated about his isolation that when the power of God came by he still told the Lord, "I'm all alone." Ezekiel laid on his side eating pellet cakes cooked over cow manure for over a year. John the Baptist ran around eating locusts screaming about repentance while the church leaders, the ones who should have embraced him and his message, mocked him. All of the apostles were martyred save one. David was anointed king and then spent a good amount of time while his crazed leader tried to murder him.

Then there is Jesus...

He is God of course so he could handle it. After all when he left the throne to enter the world via a teenage girl in a smelly, dirty stable, he knew what he was getting himself into. I disregarded the hurt in his heart when his own people ignored him. I skimmed the agony of Gethsemane. The Cross was the entire reason behind my calling, sure. The reality of carrying it every day never truly resonated through my soul.

That is why I crashed so hard when it didn't work out the way I thought it would. This was exhausting work. The world.. my friends... even may family rarely noticed or flat out mocked me for it. My skin was not nearly as thick as I thought it would be. Sticks and stones and words and glances and judgement, does hurt. Waking up one day almost 20 years into ministry and having literally nothing to show for it took it's toll.

Looking around I had not yet become famous. No one was running to my feet to hear my awesome words of wisdom. As a matter of fact I was embarrassed by how little I had accomplished. A pile of fan mail was nowhere to be found.

Bottom line: Walking out my calling was HARD WORK... with LITTLE RESULTS... in the eyes of this world. Once, I couldn't wait to hear, "Well done good and faithful servant." Now I wasn't so sure it would ever happen. It just didn't work. If I could get it right then perhaps all of my being about Jesus might inspire someone to change.

Then one day the Lord showed me these words in Romans 12: 11& 12

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer

Don't we all play the "numbers game?" If the world around us isn't changing then we haven't been shining bright enough. Maybe we haven't been trying enough. There hasn't been enough faith. Our words were just on the wrong side of eloquent. Our programs needed more "umph." If we had done "better," then we could see the "more."

That's not what He said.

He said: "Never stop being fanatical... passionate... fervent... about serving THE LORD. Not serving people. Not getting results.

SERVING HIM...

HE is where our hope must lie. HE is the one we have to talk and listen to constantly. HE is the one we focus on when life isn't "going our way." He is the Savior. He is the one that changes hearts. He is the one that heals. It is him. I just get to be his vessel, as they say.

There is a purpose and a plan... FOR EACH OF US. He hasn't forgotten. It just might not look like we thought it would. We might not be a "household name" this side of eternity. Maybe you will. I don' know. The calling is most likely about showing up and being faithful. The calling is always about loving Christ because we know how in love he is with us.

I think what happens is that we attach addendum's onto our original calling. We get away from what God actually asked of us. Was it to love youth? Was it to preach or teach? When he first said, "I ahve something JUST FOR YOU," it was most likely simple. Not small. Simple. It's like an excited Dad who has a special task for his child. Could you do this thing for me? Only you can do it.

When it all feels, "old" we have to dial back the clock to the day our heart first churned to serve him.

Yesterday... I was reminded.

After a particularly long and painful two weeks I was back to asking God what he was thinking when he put me where he did. My particular broken heart is for the unchurched. For 16 years that has played out by living in the inner city.

What happened? Two conversations.

Peering into the window of two distinct questioning hearts. One age 15. One age 59.

I simply offered what I have... the hope of a living Savior. I have no silver.. no gold.. no fancy words.. Just what I know. There is one who loves us desperately, searching for us to the ends of the earth.

That's it. I did not stand in a stadium. I stood in Bible Study. I stood in my living room. I showed the people..

HE IS HOPE.

That is what I was asked to do.

What was it for you? When you did not become the next, "latest and greatest," why are you disappointed? Where is your heart?

What is that still small voice that talked to you for the first time? What did He say?

Close your eyes. Talk to your Jesus. Ask him this question:

"Could you remind me what it was YOU asked of me? I want to serve only YOU."

Rewind your heart and get back to that place. Get back to him.

There really is nothing the two of you can't do together. It just might look different than we thought it would.

Remember... In his eyes... it is "famous."

When the Disabled Kid Shows Up.... A Sibling's Point of View

2011-11-02T09:35:00.001-04:00

My Sister and Her Date On Prom Night

When my sister was born I was on the verge of four years old. My Mom suspected that the pregnancy wasn't quite right. She had chicken pox in her first trimester, but the doctors assured her everything would be fine. It was not. Instead my sister, Courtney was born very early weighing in at about two ½ pounds. Arriving in 1975 she was one of a handful of recorded cases internationally to be born with Congenital Varicella Syndrome. There was nothing about her that should have survived. She was too small. Her body was malformed. Here's a quick run down of what she arrived with: She was blind, had one disfigured leg, no feeling in her left hand, urinary and digestive tract problems and was mentally delayed. Yet, she was born a fighter.

When you are born a medical miracle, no one knows what to do with you. Doctors live like you will die, well because you are the first one who lived. Teachers and caretakers live like they will be the Ann Sullivan to your Helen Keller. They are the very Savior that you have been waiting for. Your parents just live for another day. They believe and hope and hold on that you will be more than everyone who has doubted. You do anything that is described as “normal” and they celebrate.

We grew up regular sisters. To the world she was a phenomenon. To me she was the other kid in the house. As kids we would fight and once I sat on her. She bit me in the shoulder. I loved her dearly. But, no to me she was not that special.

So let’s just think for a moment if the two of us entered your youth group. It could have happened. She would have been the age of a Freshman when I was Senior. What would you have done?

Here is what you would have seen from the outside looking in:

Here comes the sweet, vibrant kid in the wheel chair. Upon meeting her you would not have immediately caught on that Courtney was developmentally delayed. Maybe you would see a girl who was a little immature for her age. She was the outgoing one. It was not uncommon for her to enter a room throw her hands in the air an cry out, “I am here everybody!” She loved Anime and romantic comedies. She was obsessed with country music. Yet, there was a lag. In no way was she thinking or acting like the other high schoolers in the room. In the middle of your first conversation, you would see that she just wasn’t as caught up as the others. Then there were her medical challenges. Her electric chair was huge and cumbersome. She couldn’t see you, except out of the corner of her right eye. Her left hand couldn’t grasp anything. Someone, a nurse, a parent or myself had to take her to the bathroom to deal with tubes and bags.

Then you would meet the highly overachieving perfectionist sister. On the outside I looked entirely put together. I loved my sister deeply, but inside I struggled. I grappled that I felt like I had to make up for what she could never be. I wrestled with the injustice of both of our situations in life. All Courtney wanted was to be a “regular” kid like me. I always knew the attention my sister received was out necessity, yet it still hurt. I just wanted to be loved for who I was. I felt left out. I felt never good enough for anyone, because I was not born the anything “case” in the world. You would not have ever guessed any of it. At 17 I was entirely wonderful at keeping all adults at arms length. If I was smart enough, performed well enough, and articulate enough, then you would leave me alone. I was very, very good at maintaining my polish.

Enter the parents. I read a statistic recently that 80-90% of parents with a disabled child end up divorced. By some insane miracle my parents have reached beyond 40 years of marriage. However the pressure of living like today might just be the day that your child dies wears on you. My sister had numerous near death hospitalizations. Her leg was amputated at 2. Her eye was removed in her teen years and replaced with a glass one. All my parents did was give up themselves until they became a shadow of who they were. They were physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted all the time. However, what you saw were these people who desperately wanted their daughter to belong. Could you give her a chance? Could you let her be a part of your youth group? I mean they were fighting for her in every other area of life. Church should be a place where they could rest and well you, youth worker, you just HAVE to love her.

You as the youth worker have no idea how to handle this. Who gets your attention? Who gets your compassion? Whose needs get met?

Growing up around a disabled sibling made me aware. Most of my summer jobs in high school ended up with me working at camps with or babysitting the disabled. My “paying job” when I started out as a youth pastor was to work at a school for the disabled as a one on one aid. I have been around many types of “differently abled” people through out the years. At times some have even graced my youth groups. Here is what I have learned:

• Every disability is entirely different.

Working with a student who is in a wheel chair, but thinks an acts like everyone his age brings one set of challenges. Someone who has mental, emotional or processing delays is different. Just because a parent shows up an tells you it is “Autism” that could mean a variety of things. Do not assume just because someone has slurred speech that they have a mental challenge. A person with physical challenges requires you thinking through the dynamics of getting in and out of spaces. Someone who is mentally delayed requires a different approach in teaching and interacting. Think of each individual as an individual. Get to know what is going on and how to interact with this student.

• Build a relationship with the parents:

Meet with the parents to discuss the students’ needs. You want to know what type of physical care is required? Are there elements of their personality you need to learn? Let them tell you everything. Is the student prone to angry out bursts? What works at school? Would it be best to find a one on one mentor that is with them? Keep communication lines with the parents open. What is and isn’t going well? They will have some insight. Let them know you are on their side and love their child. Remember they have been in this for awhile. Treat them with love and respect.

• Be creative:

Let’s be honest. This is a difficult topic because fully including a student with physical and mental challenges into your group takes work. You may need to think through scenarios before you act on them. The kid in the wheel chair wants to go with you to the amusement park? How do you make that happen? How do you play music for someone who is hearing impaired.

• Get to know the student:

Are they able to discuss or explain their disability? Ask them. Get to know who THEY are. There is a person beneath the challenges.

• Do they have “able bodied” siblings in your group?

You see we don’t look at our disabled brothers and sisters and see the challenges. I fought with my sister. I laughed with her. She was simply my sister. In addition, allow them space from each other. They are not at youth group to take extra care of their sister or brother. They are there to be in youth group.

• Don’t treat the “differently abled” student like they are the only one in your group.

Yes, we need to think about how to include them. Yes, we may need to be creative. HOWEVER, they are fully aware that they stand out already. They don’t need you to over exaggerate them. Let them be as much a part of the group as they can.

• Prep your other students for them, if you can.

Truth is someone who is very different shows up and we are tested. It makes us uncomfortable. We spend our time whispering to figure out what is going on. No one likes to know that everyone is talking about you. This is especially true when it feels like everyone is stopping an staring. Chances are the disabled kid won’t “just show up.” You will know before they get there. However, avoid talking in hushed tones. Invite your other students to get to know them an learn them. They are going to follow your lead.

• We all need to know the love of Christ is personal.

Romans 3:23 in the NLT reads: “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” Yep all of us. I have no idea at the point in which someone does and does not comprehend their sin. Chances are many of those you encounter will fully comprehend the need for a Savior. My sister did. The words of John 3:16 were as much for her as for ALL of us.

• Be prepared for hard conversations:

My sister was entirely aware of what she did and did not have in life, in her body and in her mind. She wanted to get married and have children. She knew in her heart of hearts it might not ever happen for her. She wanted to know why it had to be this way. Don’t be afraid to say that you don’t know. Just let them remember they didn’t sin. Their parents didn’t sin. (Remember the story of the blind man in John 9). We live in a fallen world that isn’t always fair. None of us get it. But there is one who has a love that is high and wide and deep and wraps them with hope.

When my sister rolls into your group we both know it is awkward for everyone involved. She wants to know if she will be accepted. You don’t know whether to ignore the missing leg, or give her too much attention. What do you say to her sibling? Who do you tell that you don't know how to do this? It is a tense situation for all sides. What we must remember is that Christ’s love is for each of us.

Romans 8: 35-39 is needed for everyone involved here:

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep. ”No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Each of us need to know that there is a purpose and a plan for our life. That’s it. Most things in life that are simple are not easy. This is one of those situations.

My sister passed away at 32 years old, the oldest living survivor of her condition. For the last four years of her life she belonged to a body of believers who just loved her. They embraced her for who she was. She went to Bible study and they loved her insight and laughed at her terrible quirky jokes. It was all she had been looking for. A group of people who called themselves Christians who just thought of her as Courtney. A group of people who got what it meant to love their neighbor as themselves.

For more great information on specifics of including disabled students into your programming, check out these articles at Conversations On the Fringe: CLICK HERE!

Chris Schaffner will be hosting a workshop at Simply Youth Ministry Conference in March on this topic as well.

Every Story Counts

2011-11-01T11:08:00.001-04:00

It happened recently.

I wondered when it would.

My daughter asked me if her testimony was worthwhile.

Her Dad used to say it too. His testimony was boring.

One day someone told them about Jesus. They decided to follow him.

Then they did.

There was no addiction. No abuse. No great chasm of bitterness to overcome. Never smoked a cigarette. Never spent time running from God or rebelling.

Have they been perfect? Of course not. That's just a silly question. However, to them there is nothing exciting about their testimony.

Why? We live in a culture where we celebrate the extreme wretches. The prodigals that are lost at the ends of the earth and then by some miracle they are found. "Wow that girl had a horrible life and then Christ found her." "That guy was running the streets and shot four times, but then there was Jesus." "I can't believe that famous person was on such a spiral of self destruction, then God got ahold of them."

Do you remember the "cardboard testimonies" that became so popular a couple of years ago. On one side of a piece of cardboard it would read one word that described you before a relationship with the Lord, then on the other side a word that described you now that you are with him. So for example it might read, "Cutter," then on the other side might read, "Healed." Even then we love the ones that make us gasp and applaud. It can feel like the ones that simply read "Sinner," and then "Redeemed," are just blah. Sure we are all sinners, whatever.

The more thrilling the testimony, the more we squeal. God comes through in exhilarating ways and we want to raise him up.

Somewhere along the way we decided that this is the entirety of our youth population. Yes, they are hurting. They are suicidal and turning to the world to fill the hole in their hearts. If we can just show them that they are never too far, they will come back. Maybe it will inspire some to make that first declaration in a relationship with the Living Savior.

Here's the problem. It isn't everyone. It isn't my daughter. She asked the Lord into her heart when she was five and never looked back.

She is a good kid whose sin is more the "silent" type. She likes to have control of everything. She struggles with body image as she compares herself to her stick thin best friend. She wants to debate you when she thinks her point is correct. She is a legalist and a literalist.

Her sin is as dark as any of the rest of us.

Right now she is going through a lot of doubts. Recently she told me, "Mom it's like my heart knows all the answers, but my head has a lot of questions."

Through a series of events for the last couple of months she has been exposed to a lot of these "ultimate" testimonies. It has made the doubts grow deeper. She started to feel like, "Maybe I need to get worse so that God will want to answer all of my questions."

There is this barely 19 year old girl who teaches her Sunday morning small group. Every lesson is about belonging to Christ in someway. She talks to the girls about their identity in Christ. This couples with constant assurance at home has begun to help solve some questions.

It took my husband years to understand that he had a REAL story to tell. Before Christ he was alone, weak and going to hell. With Christ he has a purpose, strength and an eternity with his Creator. He is the greatest reminder to his daughter of what a testimony really looks like. We give our life over to the one it belongs to. Then we live for him every moment of every day. Sin keeps us away from the Lord. No matter what it looks like.

We are on a slippery slope if we ONLY show those that were radically changed in the eyes of the world. Anytime the focus is not on the glory that is brought God we are in danger. When we start deciding whose story is worth telling then it negates that all of our lives matter to Christ. In essence we start picking and choosing that all of us are transformed in Jesus:

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" 2 Cor. 5:17

ALL of us were lost without the Lord. ALL of us become new. Whether you can see the weight of my sin or not- believe me it is there. A new life has begun every time. We are all lost without the Lord. ALL OF US.

Don't overlook the kids that are the "good" ones. They need to learn that their story matters. They need to learn to tell their story to others. They even need to know that their sin is just as heavy as any other. You see there are other "good" kids out there who will never take a drug or sext someone. Yep, they are out there. They are my daughter's friends. However, I hear them talk and they still have sin. They still struggle. I can see that "none are righteous, no not one." They need to know that choosing Jesus is what matters. Bottom line is that God wants to use everyone that belongs to him.

Sometimes we need to expose our kids to the "dull" testimonies too. The ones who say, "In the eyes of people I wasn't so bad, yet still I know without the Lord I have no life." In my opinion, there are more of these out there than we know.

What if we let someone take the stage that said:

"My parents loved me. I did well in school. I wasn't poor. Yet, still I knew someone was missing from my life. He got hold of me. Changed me forever. Now all I can do is be radically his."

I think a lot of kids would turn their heads and notice. Some might even feel inspired to share theirs too.

Every story counts. Teach them how to rejoice over theirs. You know what? The Lord certainly does.

JOIN me!!

2011-10-30T17:44:00.005-04:00

"Spiritual exhaustion is never the result of sin, but of service. "

-Oswald Chambers

Am I the only one who gets tired? Forgetting the very reason why I "do what I do."

More accurately I forget WHO I am doing it for?

I attempt to serve: Family, Friends, Youth, Youthworkers, the Community, the Poor, the Hurting... Everyone.

This gets me overwhelmed and sucked dry. Why?

I am not nourished... By remembering to continuously drink the Living Water.

Go back to the well. Sit with the one who fills me once and for all.

Then I love to help others when they need to be pointed to life.

I am given the honor of doing this at the Simply Youth Ministry Conference.

Rick Lawrence puts it this way: "SYMC=more retreat than conference, more transformation than hype, more Jesus than “should.”

We get exhausted from serving when we feel far away from our Jesus.

There are places that remind us around every corner to draw near. Simply is one of them.

Did you know that one of the top 10 reasons anyone leaves ministry (any kind) is because they feel ill equipped and untrained.

SYMC aide in providing that training. Simply from a Jesus point of view. It is probably the only conference I have ever been to that is truly cross denominational. Meaning that if your goal is to bring Christ to students then you belong there.
That's it. They do this by engaging us to be relational (like Jesus).

Simply Simple.

I am excited to be able to pour into attendees. They are allowing me to help you walk away feeling a little more ready for the harvest field where you have been placed.

I so hope that we get to meet and I might be able to spend some time with you.

In short as this year's theme tells us. Let's remember to Breathe.

May we take air in and out as we are still and know that he is God.

Won't you come? Will you do me a favor?

The early- bird deadline ends Monday. October 31. I know that's a busy day.

Guess what? You don't even have to pay it in full that day!

You just have to make the decision to go...

Alright Check Out Details here: SYMC

Yes Francis Chan, Jon Acuff and Craig Gross will be speaking.

Yes Shane and Shane will be leading worship.

Yes you will walk away with new friends from a place that reminds us that we are all in this together.

Yet, I think the "Skit Guys," put it well... Sometimes we just need to be reminded to drop our baggage... and Breathe again..

Inviting the Parents In....

2011-10-28T07:31:00.001-04:00

What does it mean to you to invite the parents into your programming?

In your mind what is the difference between betterment and development?

Would you agree that there are times that the youth person is the first person that shows a parent Christ? Why or why not?
How do we help a parent understand the scope of Romans 10:9, "If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."

Follow the "box" activity in the video.

Draw a picture of a box.

Write the activities that you traditionally would invite parents to be a part of in the box. (Volunteer, make a meal, etc.)

On the outside of the box brainstorm ways that are non-traditional that you might bring a parent in.

Have you taken the time to ask parents what they could or might want to do? Have you tried a meeting just brainstorming their ideas?

Sometimes we just contact parents when we need something from them. How can we start inviting them into conversation about just getting to know them?

Angry Parents

2011-10-27T09:47:00.001-04:00

Discuss:

What is one way that you can start by being gracious when talking to an angry parent?

In a practical sense if a parent asks to meet with you can bring someone with you? If you have never done this before is it something you could do?

Think about it. How can you stick to the issue at hand without allowing the parent to bring up any other "issue" they think might be happening.

Do you know those things that will put you on the defensive? What are some ways that you can ensure you stay calm even when you might even be getting yelled at? Do you need to take a deep breath? Would it be better to ask the parent if they can meet when they are more calm?

Do you have someone that you can talk to and pray with after you speak with the parent to talk through how it went?

Please look at the "Free Resources" section of this website to find a sample script to practice and hand out to your team to be ready for that angry parent.

Remember, often our role in the situation is to remind the parent we are both on the same side. We want what is best for the child.

Ultimately, we want them to grow in a vibrant relationship with a living Savior.

Talking to the Parent

2011-10-25T22:38:00.002-04:00

Our first steps to being a "whole family" worker is learning how to reach out and start the conversation with our parents. Today we will look at 2 videos on thoughts to start the conversation.

Discuss:

What do you think it means to lead with respect with a parent?

What are practical ways that you can see each person as the Lord sees them? He can see our past, present and future all at the same time. “No eye has seen, no ear has heard,  and no mind has imagined  what God has prepared  for those who love him.” 1 Cor. 2:9 How could this apply to the parent as well as the youth for those who follow Christ?

Calling parents, reaching out and simply asking permission before you do something with their child might seem simple. However, do you usually leave it up to the student to ask about hanging out. Have you ever thought about you reaching out as being a way to open getting to know a parent?

This video uses the example of picking a student at their house to take them out. What are other ways you might be able to get to know a parent? If parents drop their children off at group what are ways that you could engage and get to know them?

Have you ever had the "they don't care anyway" attitude? What can you do to stop this?

Discuss:

Notice both videos talk about leading with respect. What are some practical ways that you can continue to lead with respect when reaching out to ALL parents?

Have you ever thought about purposely telling parents what you love about their children? Take a few moments and think through many of your youth. What is something positive and Christ focused you can say about them. Make sure you think through those students that a "compliment" may not come quickly to you. These parents may need to hear what you see in their children the most.

Have you thought about the attitude we can have as being the "replacement parent?" Sometimes parents even put us in this place. How can we purposely keep putting the parent back in the their God given place?

Sometimes the best way to understand parents is simply by understanding that we are invited into the lives of their children. No matter what we might think of what is going on at home, it is our honor that we are allowed the privilege of building relationships with a student. The Lord loves every family.

Why Should We Care About The Whole Family?

2011-10-25T10:01:00.003-04:00

Have we ever thought about the truth that God longs for the family unit to be made whole? Sometimes the broken are obvious and other times they are hidden. Both children AND parents need to know that Christ loves them with an exquisite love.

Discuss:

If you are honest, do you believe that there are some parents that are "just a mess," and that they can or won't change?

Have you ever had the attitude that you should just either "save a youth" from their family, or "help them endure it?" (We are not talking about abusive or extreme situations. Those may require removal from the home for the safety of the child. The Lord might need to work on the parent and child separated from each other.

Have you ever thought that it was God ordained that there would be "man and woman and children?"

"Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.” Genesis 1:28

Before sin entered the world God's intention was for a complete family unit. Do you agree or disagree? Why?

Look at these two verses:

Malachi 4:5&6 "His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children, and the hearts of children to their fathers. Otherwise I will come and strike the land with a curse.”

Luke 1:17 "He will be a man with the spirit and power of Elijah. He will prepare the people for the coming of the Lord. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and he will cause those who are rebellious to accept the wisdom of the godly."

Both of these passages talk about the restoration of the family that the coming Messiah will bring. In Malachi he is talking about a "someday." In Luke, from the perspective of "He is here." In our wholeness of Salvation, Christ wants families to be made whole. If this is how Jesus looks at the family does this change how you see them?

Christ sees us how he longs for us to be- redeemed and closer to him- Should we have the same attitude?

Look at another way of saying Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."

Another way of looking at this verse is from the perspective of Christ's coming again to restore us back to right place with him.

Someone living without hope for a long while is going to feel sucked dry. Could it be that we are seeing the repercussions of people who have given up?

Can we help? How?

Remember that someone living without hope may not always be obvious. There is financial destitution and "secret sin," that can cause a family to be as broken as those that are "obvious." Reaching out to parents and asking them, "What do you need?" may actually save a family.

Could Jeremiah 29: "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Be for all of us, for everyday of our lives?

If we stopped giving up on the "whole family unit" and started believing that there is a future and a plan, how would this change the way we work with youth?

The truth is that some family situations may mean that children are being raised by one parent with not contact with the other, by extended family, friends or "foster care." In these situations we must come alongside as extended family to support the "guardians" that are in place and aid as they are in the position of parent. We must still see that the situation that the Lord has in place is one of caring for the broken and crushed in Spirit. Sometimes these situations actually need us more. In other cases there may be emotional brokenness at home that we don't even see. A "workaholic" emotionally absent parent is often as distant as one that is physically absent. As we support the youth it is important that our eyes remain on Christ and his intentions that ALL hearts are drawn close to him, that ALL are saved and that NO ONE is "too far gone."

First Thoughts On Parents.

2011-10-24T10:14:00.001-04:00

This week I am going to be sharing a video series with you. This series is meant to get us thinking about the way we work with unchurched youth and their parents, especially those that are living in urban areas. They are short 3-5 minute clips to get you and your team thinking. Below the video I will share some discussion questions for you to think about. These are meant to spur your whole team onto feeling better equipped to working with all types of students. They are meant to help you, the youth worker think through your philosophy of ministry.

ENJOY!!!

This first installment helps us think through the way we think about working with unchurched parents.

We will then be talking about:

How God Looks At the Family
Reaching Out to Parents
How To Talk to Parents
The Angry Parent
Practical Tips to Including Parents

Please use this as a team builder and training!

Take a second to think about your "unchurched" youth and their parents. Does the thought of reaching out to the "whole" family intimidate or overwhelm you if you are honest?

Have you ever had the tendency to judge parents and want to act like the replacement parent when you feel the situation at home is "too bad?"

Have you ever thought about moving past being a youth worker to being a family worker?

What are the greatest challenges in working with the youth and their family?

Have you ever thought about the fact that a changed parent = a changed family? What does that mean to you?

When a student talks about their home life do you reach out to the parent and find out their side of the story too? Have you ever reached out to try and help?

Yes, situation in the home can be dire. When Christ looks at us he sees the fullness of our journey. Our past, our present and our future all at the same time. He is the Shepherd leaving the 99 to find us, to bring us home.

Look at Luke 15: 3-10

"So Jesus told them this story: “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away! “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins[a] and loses one. Won’t she light a lamp and sweep the entire house and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she will call in her friends and neighbors and say, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost coin.’ In the same way, there is joy in the presence of God’s angels when even one sinner repents.”

Have you ever thought about how in these passages the lost do not look for the "finder." No in these representations of the Lord- HE is searching for the lost?

Have you ever gotten the attitude that the "parent" is just too lost so we should just focus on the student? Have you ever thought about the reality that the "unchurched" parent may feel the same way about themselves?

How do you think our ministries and student's lives would changed if we shifted paradigms? What if we were willing to step in and see the WHOLE FAMILY the way that Christ does, as lost in need of finding?

Finish with thinking through the challenges to shifting the paradigm. What CAN make it work in becoming extended family to a student and their family? What might that look like?

Why I Avoid the Hurting...

2011-10-20T10:57:00.004-04:00

I used to think that I was a compassionate person.

I was the first person anyone would call if something was going wrong in their lives.

Then one day I was honest with myself.

I don't really care that much about others.

Ouch- I know.

I am self- centered and self- preserving.

Sure I will give the homeless guy on the side of the road a sandwich, pray with you when your heart is broken, and be among the first at the scene of the tragedy. The moment at which you reach out the first time, that is easy. My deposit is made into your life and I can move on.

However, what happens when you ask me to invest in your hurt?

What I mean is what if you want me to come to the hospital and sit with you daily through your sickness?

What if you call me three times a day to simply cry over the loss of your child?

What if it goes beyond a couple of days of "helping" and I am getting nothing out of it? You don't have the energy to reciprocate my friendship or ever ask what is going on with me.

Well, then that gets exhausting. Sticking it out until the hurt is worn away is a very long and hard road. Sometimes in life you don't "just get over it," and I am busy. If you are hurting you probably feel guilty that you keep asking me for help anyway. Chances are I have my own stuff and I really wish you were listening to me and my issues.

When working with youth this concept gets even more complicated. I mean I have to dig to the bottom of the hurt. I feel totally unqualified to deal with it anyway. Then I want it to go away. For not only am I navigating the student, if I really care, I need to draw in the rest of the family as well. I have gotten phone calls at 2 AM. Texts at all hours of the day. My sense of boundaries gets shot, and I am now burnt out on your hurt. You were never meant to be my friend and my sense of "serving" gets inflated.

I have a problem with giving until I am dry. Then I get bitter because I gave you everything and now I think it doesn't matter. I lie in bed at night ranting and raving to God about how I am doing all of these things he asked me. I mean I am "spending myself" on behalf of the hurting like he tells me in Isaiah. I am "sacrificing" my time as I am told in Hebrews 13. I mean Lord, I am charged with loving others like you loved me, because "laying down my life," for my friends is the greatest way to show love. (John 15: 12 and 13). This is when it hit me.

I don't really want to "bear your burdens." (Galatians 6:2). Honestly, I really want to lend a hand for a second and then get back to my own life. I have stuff to do. Other people who might need my help. What if you take all my time?

I had to be honest. I am selfish. Helping the hurting, especially hurting kids takes a lot out of me. I had to admit that I was jaded with offering true compassion. I would rather give a couple of verses and a quick hug.

Now that I confessed it, the fact was that the Lord still wanted me to give of myself. Those same commands of loving your neighbor as yourself, are still in place. What do I do? How do I truly show compassion?

I :

1. Realized that the best way you help the hurting is to give of your time. Not everyone expected me to fix every situation. Most of the time people just want to know that someone loves them and is willing to stick it out for the long haul. Showing up over and over, often is the first step to offering someone their healing.

2. Realized that I don't have to be their "everyone." Sometimes those hurting need "professional help." They may need counseling. There may need to be multiple people pouring into their lives. This doesn't mean I am off the hook, or that I am not needed. However, I don't need to be the end all be all. It also means that boundaries are not a bad thing. Sometimes we can't be with someone all of the time. A group of believers working together to support the hurting is a good thing. Sometimes I only have time realistically for one or two people. That is alright.

3. Realized that I had to point them back to the Lord. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable to talk "Jesus" when someone is distressed. If they are blaming God for their hurt it can be even worse. I don't just throw out random scriptures. However, I remind them of WHO he is. Psalm 56:8 is a favorite verse for me to talk about: "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." It matters to God that we are hurting. He weeps with us. When working with youth they are caught up in what they feel. That is most important at the moment. We need to remind the hurting that allowing the Lord to comfort us is a choice. We don't understand what happened, we may never. We choose the Lord, because he loves us, even when we don't get it.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18

4. Realized that I don't have all the answers. I learned the power of , "I don't know why." I also encourage the hurting to tell the Lord EXACTLY how they are feeling. If they think a situation is his fault tell him. We serve a God whose, "thoughts are not our thoughts and ways are not our ways." We don't understand and we are angry. Tell him. Don't pretend you aren't. Then I remind them of who holds hope and we can't live without hope: Proverbs 18:14 "The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a crushed spirit?" But then make the choice to believe he is close.

5. Realized it takes all of us to help the hurting. I may only have limited time. However, the call to "love others because he first loves us," is for all of us. I may not be the "paid minister." I may not even be a "volunteer." The call to bear burdens is for all of us. I support and encourage others when they are helping. I also remind others we all have the basic "skill set." If we have Christ in our lives, two ears to listen and a willing heart many times that is all anyone is looking for or needs.

When I was honest about where I really wanted to give my time, I was able to allow compassion to take its place once again. I have learned the power of many supporting the hurting. I have also realized that I can't help everyone physically all the time. There are moments when I am the one who prays. We forget how powerful prayer really is. There is no easy answer to helping the hurting, because there is no real formula to "solve" it. Each hurt is different and the way a person responds is vast. Yet, I can show up. I can love them. I can rally the troops to invest as well. When we are all in it together well, then we are walking it out how Christ would.

Continuing Conversations On Being A Girl

2011-10-19T15:05:00.001-04:00

I used to think that simply acknowledging that I was "Created in the image of God" was enough. I would shove down all of those things that were "wrong with me," because they have been there for as long as I can remember.

In grammar school my big blue eyes caused me to have the nickname, "Bug Eyes."

In high school when everyone was wearing Jordache jeans (the 80's version of the skinny jean,) my body shape didn't lend itself to them. So at a size 4 I thought I was overweight and built wrong.

The older I have gotten, I have added cellulite and flabby arms to the mix. I look in the mirror and my brain tells me I am wrong while my dress size reads about an extra small.

Yesterday, I had several conversations about this topic with different sets of women. One of my best friends and I got to talking about how women don't know how to look in the mirror and whatever shape or size we are see ourselves as beautiful. Sitting around the table at a women's Bible study last night, another piece came into play on the way we see ourselves. The way those that love us see us.

When those that ought to accept us just as we are don't we feel broken.

The other piece in teaching our girls to understand their beauty is the solid foundation that those closest to them treasure them. While boys need to know they are strong and valiant, girls need to know they are cherished.

When Daddy's are missing they feel like they simply weren't enough. (Please note that Dad's can be physically OR emotionally absent.)

When Mom's tell us what we are not - more than we are- we just keep trying to be perfect.

When your so called "friends" are the ones that tell you that your clothes are ugly or your overbite is oversized you wish you could hide away forever.

Those closest to us should be laying the foundation of how we can see ourselves in God's eyes. When those we trust most miss this then you come away wounded and trying harder to fit into the norm.

What are movies that we love the most? The "ugly duckling" grows to be the beautiful princess. I mean she really was gorgeous all along, she just needed some help to "reveal" it. Do we love shows like the "Biggest Loser," truly because we adore watching overweight people get healthy? No- we love watching these "regular" people transform into a better version of themselves.

At some point along the way I had to acknowledge that just saying, "Being worldly is a lie from the devil," didn't fix it. I had to be honest with how I felt. If society created clothes that made my body look ugly it couldn't possibly be the clothes fault. I mean it is the trend right? I had to go before God and ask him, "Tell me what I look like to you. On the outside and the inside." I kept trying to get over the outside by thinking that a beautiful heart made up for it. In theory it should have. However, the world screamed really, really loud. With every way that I stood out I just wanted to fit in. If the inside isn't nice I can at least "look" good. That is what we women are taught. I had to let the Lord heal these places and remind me that he actually made me this way on purpose- for a purpose.

In those adolescent years all we want is to be accepted. We girls want to be cherished and adored, by our friends and our family. When that is missing for whatever reason, we start trying to "fix it."

Let's start the process with this new generation. Let's help them be honest with why they keep trying to be the beautiful woman in the billboard.

1. Help them to be honest with what they want to look like.

2. If they want to make changes in their appearance get to the heart of the matter. Where does it come from? Who are they trying to please and why?

3. Help them be honest with the Lord about what they are feeling and trying to be and why. How do they truly see themselves through God's eyes.

4. Get them into THE WORD. Help them to see what the Lord really says about who we are and how he sees us. (You are fearfully and wonderfully made. What does that mean? REALLY? To where you are today?)

5. Whenever you can tell the girls in your life what you love about them and why. Not simply, "You're so smart." Try to keep away from an accomplish driven attitude. Try : "I love the way that you are able to do Math so fast in your head like that. It is amazing." If you have a girl struggling with body image reinforce why she is beautiful just the way she is made. "Your smile always brightens up a room."

Even when the world lets them down. Let them know that you indeed cherish them.

Growing Up A Girl...

2011-10-17T11:35:00.000-04:00

In the past week many worlds have come colliding together. Every once and awhile something sparks it for me.

It is the way that we women view ourselves. We must always be primping and fixing to look just right.

Sure we walk around saying that it is what is on the "inside that matters." Of course those of us who follow Christ are saying that we see the Lord's reflection when we look in the mirror.

Yet, the horrible and very real truth is that as women we can rarely look past the outside long enough to focus on the soul.

In the past week I found out:

My 12 year old daughter has started to "hate the way her body looks.

A 13 year old girl is cutting herself because she thinks "she is ugly."

Another 6th grade girl thinks that "no one will want to be her friend, because of who she is."

My 9 year old daughter wanted to know, "How old are you when you think you need makeup to make you pretty?" Basically she wanted to be ready for that age.

In the meantime I found out about a new documentary being released on October 20th called: Miss Representation. "The film explores how the media’s misrepresentation of women has led to the underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence."

The trailer opens with telling us that our children (specifically ages 8-18) are consuming about 10 hours and 45 minutes of media DAILY. I did some research and found the report from which the study came from. It is true. This includes television, internet, print media, video games, and movies. This is a generation consuming more media than ever before.

I am at home telling my daughter that it is about her relationship with Christ. He made her just the way that he wants her to be. Her body is perfect.

Is she healthy? Taking care of what was given to her ? That should be enough right?

In the meantime all she has to do is to be alive to think she ought to be this:

Skinny. Voluptuous. Perfect Skin. Perfect hair. These were some of the better pictures I could find when I "googled" beautiful women. Most of the images were full of large breasts, bikinis, perfect bodies, sultry looks and sexy poses.

Even if I hid my girls away- turned off the computer and tv (we don't even have cable) and we never watched a movie, the moment we walk into a store it is in our face. Yesterday, I look to the right and my husband is turning a magazine around. When I took a peek at the cover it was a picture of a practically naked women on the front.

I am not a prude. I am trying to understand how to be living in this world and look like Christ. Yet, I am constantly bombarded with WHAT I AM NOT. It is everywhere we look.

Watching the trailer for Miss Representation (Click here to Watch) and looking at the website (HERE) - got me thinking once again. I am telling my daughters that what is important are the virtues of the Proverbs 31 woman. That they should be loving and living for the Lord in every way. I am reminding them that Timothy attributed his faith to women. Other than John the ones that followed Christ to the cross were women. Those that came first to take care of his body? Women.

However, we are shown over and over and over again that what we look like is what we can control- so appear together.

It is everywhere.

However, the moment that we believed that serpent's lies; when we took the bite from the fruit of knowledge of good and evil we lost our innocence. Women lost the memory that we truly are created in the image of our living God.

So the diets started. The comparing. Sizing up. You are looking at me and wishing you had my eyes, while I want your hair. Our thighs are too fat, our stomachs too flabby and we want to be noticed. So we make ourselves look pretty.

Our girls are crumbling under the pressure of, "If I could be a little more this and a little less than that."
We wonder why they are starving themselves or marring their bodies. They can't get past the fact that they are "all wrong."

Those that are smart or leaders are seen as a whim. Those that are beautiful and wise are often picked apart. We can say it isn't true over and again. We can say that we shouldn't care about our looks.

This is what my daughter talked about in her small group yesterday. An hour out the door of church and she is asking if her jeans, "make her look fat." Yes, we joke about that line, but I have stood in my bedroom on more than one occasion sweating that question to my own husband.

If I can at least look the part then I just might be able to get by. So I am wondering. How?
How do we really teach our girls that they are gorgeous to God and that is what mattes?

On top of that how do we help them engage culture and take it back for Christ, in real ways?

How do we really help them to put their identity in the right place and person without pretending- but really make it a truth in their hearts.

First we need to stop ignoring it. The facts are that while women OUGHT to believe that our souls are beautiful we are striving for beautiful bodies.

Second- Women need to be mentoring girls. We need to show them in the word what the Lord meant for them.

It is important for us to teach others how to take the words of Proverbs 31:30 inside:

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised."

We don't have to be "ugly." Instead we must remember what matters is to put the Lord first.

Third, we must teach this generationally. Each generation of girls needs to be sharing with the next that they are "perfectly and wonderfully made."

A week or so ago a 9th grader turned to my 6th grade daughter and said, "I just want you to know I think your beautiful and I love you." You think that didn't matter? For a young woman who tells me, "Mom, I don't think I'm enough." She needs to hear from those just in front of her that she is.

Finally- We must teach girls that they were created to do mighty things for God. They just might be called to be president. A queen that saves a nation (Esther.) One redeemed that helps those take over the promised land (Rahab). Mary was a woman chosen to bear the Messiah. Another Mary was the example we use over and again at what it means to "Be still and know God."

Those are just the examples in the Bible. We simply don't know what amazing things our girls might do.

Now if we could simply look past our bodies and see the reflection of the Living God. Let's get them unstuck from this place.

Today.

Your Tribe.

2011-10-12T11:59:00.005-04:00

The word "tribe," brings what to mind?

Huts?

Natives?

Seth Godin?

For me it symbolizes a group of people where I know that I belong. A place where I am respected. Maybe even am liked.

Yes, of course as a "Believer" my first and foremost "tribe" is the "body of Christ." Yet, even among Israel there were 12 tribes. All were called to follow the same Lord, yet 12 families approached it differently. Among the Christians, I have been seeking my place.

It has felt for a very long time like I have been more of a nomad wandering the desert looking for my tribe. When I was in High School I drifted from the popular kids to the smart kids and found my space among the marching band. In college we were the radical- stay- up- all- night praying- Christ followers. However, my adult life has been another story.

John and I landed in ministry together and everyone we worked with were significantly older than we were. While we loved them dearly, there were always pieces that didn't quite fit. This was not my tribe.

Then I had children. I attended all the "Mommy" groups and I felt like I was on the outside looking in. When we talked about our children, that made sense. Yet, many times we would talk about home renovations, or an upcoming vacation. I wanted to go deep and they thought I was crazy. This was not my tribe.

Moving into the city, I found a spot among my neighbors who live here. We love each other and this became a safe space. When I tried to reach out to others who did "urban youth work," I just was left feeling "not enough." I was either too one thing or not cool enough, not edgy enough. This was only half a tribe.

Don't get me wrong in all of my wandering there have been pockets of people who join me in the journey. Not everyone has been "mean." I have made good friends along the way here and there who "get me." However, it has probably been since High School since I felt I had a tribe.

Then along the way I came unsuspectingly upon "GROUP." Everything about these people screamed my name. It was like they had always been waiting for me. First it was youth pastors, then family ministers and children's pastors. It is a place where people may not always "get" the urban side of what has become me, but they always get my heart. We laugh, we cry, we pray, and we listen to one another. In this space I am actually respected. The deepest part of me that longs to engage people relationally for Christ is understood and met. Who knew? I found my tribe.

I guess the lesson is that when we are following the Lord, he brings us to the places we belong. Along the way, we try and pick and choose who will be our tribe. He tells us to keep moving and going until we find them. Even then there is something deep within that longs for our true home. Even here I know there is more.

So just remember as J.R.R. Tolkein so eloquently says it: "All who wander are not lost."

Just Jesus

2011-10-05T10:49:00.001-04:00

One of the hardest things to remember when serving Christ is this:

"What you DO for Jesus is never as important as who you ARE for Jesus."

It is a difficult balance because we want to "DO." We are told to keep going and going.

What we forget in all of this- is what we do- should ALWAYS pour out of WHO we are with our Lord.

This means that we MUST spend time with him, remembering why we first fell in love with him. Getting past the way that we "Should" spend time with him and be reminded of just why we "enjoy" our Lord.

Reading our Bible, Praying and Fellowship are vital.

However, we all have a special way that we know he feels closer.

When we stop enjoying God then we must get back to the time and place where we did.

SO here is my challenge to you today.

How do you LIKE to spend time with God?

One friend of mine likes to go canoeing or walking through the woods. Another friend like to sing at the top of her lungs. My husband likes to have his Bible on his lap and just read and read.

What about you?

Here is what you need to do...

10 minutes- Just 10 minutes today.

Do something that connects you to your Living Savior....

I promise it gets us back to where we are meant to be.

It's Time To Define

2011-09-30T10:40:00.001-04:00

For the past year national geographic has been celebrating the population of the world with a series called:"The Face Of Seven Billion." They have been tracking everything from the most "common face," to poverty statistics.

Looking on the US Census page our current population in America from the wee hours of Sept. 30 is:

312,329,449

Did you know that in America the face of the "common man" would actually be an urban dweller?

It is true. A little over 80% of us according to the Office of Planning live in at least an "urban cluster," of 2,500 people or more.

As someone who has been a youth person for almost two decades with about 16 of those spent with "inner city" kids it used to be easy to define what it mean to be an "Urban Youth Worker."

You lived in an area that was considered some form of "metropolitan" area. You dealt with statistics that included high crime rates. There were drug deals and prostitutes on the corner of your streets. This was where the realm of fatherlessness reigned. Truthfully, it mean that there were ethnic divides. Let's be blunt for a second, color of skin often defined "urban." If nothing else these were the back corners of the U.S. where we saw first hand what the "poor" look like.

You worked with "these kids" in those areas where people inhabit out of desperation not choice. There was a sort of camaraderie among those that did this sort of service for the Lord. We laughed at inside jokes of the way the other "youth guys," could never understand what "hopelessness" really looks like.

Then the world started to change and I met more and more of those doing youth work who had no idea that they were even "urban workers."

I met churches that were middle class thriving churches who called themselves "urban" because they once fit the common ideology.

When mayors of major city centers started to "redevelop" their neighborhoods something happened. The traditional "inner city" family got pushed into areas that we like to call the "suburbs." Areas that once defined their population of kids in youth group as being overextended and entitled were dealing with higher drug rates, and teen pregnancies.

Here is what studies have begun to show in the last three years: Due to "clean up"in city centers of crime and "problems" people are moving. Poverty rates are flip flopping with the under resourced being "relocated" "out" and the professionals moving "in" for the culture and lights. When unemployment rates hit an all time high a couple of years ago there are more people living below the poverty line outside the cities than in them. Drug use among teens is exactly the same in both areas. The difference? In city it is done out in the open while in other places it is behind closed doors.

The fatherlessness issue? It is such a raging issue EVERYWHERE that Donald Miller wrote a book about it and the Christian Community has come out with a movie to deal with it. Yes, divorce rates are down, because according to studies done by various institutes 1 in 3 children are born to a never married parent. Simply put we just aren't bothering with marriage anymore. In the cities, the suburbs and rural areas.

In short as youth people we need to take a step back and take the time to "define" and urban youth. Why? Chances are that each of us have at least one of these kids attending our ministries. They and their families may need to hear, see and feel Christ from us, on an ongoing basis.

Here is what I am finding.

For those of who are still in the cities the definition remains the same.

For those not here these kids and families are called, "unchurched."

Chances are even if you live in an affluent area there is at least one street, maybe even one apartment complex where everyone in town knows that "those" people live.

The crime rates are higher. The drugs flow openly. The problems seem so pressing there that we don't know how to handle it. The people there? Are ALL colors.

You see in SE Florida we have such a melting pot that we aren't afforded the luxury of judging you the moment you walk through the door. Your dress, your look, your swagger does not equal urban. Being a "gangsta" has become a funny quip, no longer the true face of the hardened streets.

Even those that market off of being a thug have stopped being so thuggish. Watching Jay-Z in a recent interview as the owner of the NJ Nets, he looked like any hugh powered business man, not the hardened "rapper from the hood" that he attempts to portray himself as.

As we move forward in youth work I do believe that finding a definition is vital. There are kids among us that need a little more hope. Sometimes they hide in the corners really well. However, at home they are falling apart. They are living in areas where pressures are crushing them. It doesn't matter if it is self contained in an rv park, a one block area, or the entirety of the island of the 5 boroughs.

We stand around the water cooler debating who and what we are "dealing with," while we need help and resources. For those of us immersed in the fullness of the city "culture" we are so overwhelmed, and isolated we are almost defeated. For those of us with just one or two of this "type" of kid and family we label, judge and push them away. In both cases we fill ill equipped to handle the enormity of all they are going through.

The "how" we approach these students and families is riddled in every opinion I give. That is not this article.

Today I am throwing down the towel and giving a definition. Yes I am merging the unchurched, the urban and what some call "at risk" and giving them a name. We need to name it so we can breathe Christ into it.

I would call them :

Urbanites: (n): Any youth or family living in a situation where societal pressures and unhealthy choices within the home cause a skewed view of the truth. b. Any family or youth that you encounter who exists more than they live. c. Any youth or family living on the fringes of society. d. Anyone whose heart has been so crusted over by the constant bombardment of the world that they appear to be void of hope.

Examples of Urbanites:

Samantha: She lives in a trailer park. Dad is gone. Mom is a meth addict. There is never any food in the house and rarely any running water.

Toby: Lives in the "hood." Dealers live next door. He is being raised by his grandparents, but they act well as his Mom and Dad. Both barely have high school diplomas and work two jobs to put food on the table. Toby is often left on his own to make his own choices because his "parents" are at work.

Ricardo: He just moved into the "low income" apartment complex behind the church. He has 4 siblings by 4 different Dads. He is the oldest, and his Mom was 14 when she had him. She works during the day and is going to school at night. She refuses to get food stamps so Ricardo is always mooching food off of his friends.

The list of combination of "stuff" could go on an on. In short you have thought of at least one student in your group or church that fits "this kid" as you have read. It is no longer far away. The only way to encounter the "issues" is a long term encounter with a living Savior.

Recently I encountered a pastor who said to me, "I live in a rich "white" area, in the suburbs we don't have anyone urban in our church."

I said, "So no one struggles with addiction or alcoholism? So not ONE family in your church today is struggling to pay their bills? You don't have ONE person in your church that when you learn where they live your stomach goes into knots."

He said, "Well, of course there's at least ONE."

"Well. how are you walking out life with them? I asked. "How are you guys acting like the church?"

He thought for a second, "It was just one or two. I think they left. We didn't know what to do with them."

Recognition and sadness crossed his face, "I didn't know."

99 for the 1. Orphans and widows = true religion.

They are living among ALL of us.

You do What... Where?

2011-09-28T10:33:00.000-04:00

M.G. Photography West Palm Beach, Fl

"You live in West Palm Beach, Fl .... in the "hood?"

"Yes... where there is extreme wealth there is extreme poverty."

"I thought you were going to say you lived in a real inner city. What kind of "hood" problems could you possibly have there?"

This is a conversation I have had too many times. It has become so I really don't like to tell people "where" we live, doing urban ministry. I mean it couldn't possibly be legit right?

I set out to write this post to prove something.

I was going to show you how my neighborhood has one of the top five crime rates in Florida and one of the top 100 in the country.

I was going to take some pictures for you. Show you the empty lot one block away from my house, where we have had several murders occur this summer. The drug dealers who live two houses down. The street at the bottom of my hill considered one of the worst drug areas in the state. The transvestite prostitutes that hang in the park at night where John goes running in the morning. The homeless that camp under the mango trees that my niece and her friends cooked a hot meal for and fed last night.

I was going to show you my house and how it has a broken wall in front of it instead of a white picket fence.

In short, this post was going to be my justifying my calling to you. Yes I truly live in the "hood" with all of its "hood" problems. I ache for the woman that I waved to as I left the home this morning to find Christ. Instead she was getting drunk at 8 AM.. with her friends.. my neighbors. Along with the heavy smell of weed that hung in the air.

On Saturday night I spent some time with a friend who was indignant at the fact that I have to answer these questions. She quipped, "Why do you need to justify your hood to anyone? Do THEY live there, doing what you do?"

It got me thinking. We are each asked to be a part of the body of Christ. At some point as a collective we decided that whatever we are "not" is better than whatever it is that we are. Sometimes we decide whatever we "are" to be more "noble," than the others. We pull and tug and compare. We look at flash, growth, and how good we can manufacture what we do. We ought to be excited about our own "calling" while celebrating all the others.

You see Christ is clear that each of us and what we do.. no who we are.. is as important:

Check out 1 Cor. 12: 18-26

But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”

In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

I wonder why do we do it? Why do we posture where the Lord has placed us and with whom?

The rich ... need Jesus.

The poor... need Jesus.

The rural areas... need Jesus

So do the suburbs... the urban areas big and small...

All the ethnicities... need Jesus

The workaholic and unemployed. The mansion dwellers and the homeless. The mentally ill and those who appear to "have it together." The cutter and the Pastor's kid. The mountains, valleys, and reservations.. all in need of Savior.

Here's the thing... even if my "hood" wasn't "hoody" enough, does it mean that it doesn't have sin that can only be solved with a relationship with the living God?

We are so busy pointing fingers that we are not working in harmony. We are not working together for the common goal of a dying world in need of the breath of life.

Let's stop.

Come together for our intended purpose and go into the world making disciples... together... each serving our own place. Fully. Wonderfully. Wholly.

Wherever the Lord has put you. It is one purpose. For such a time as this. It matters.

For the Lord's sake. You don't have to explain that to me.

Growing Up Bullied.. Blackmailed... With the Just Plain Mean

2011-09-23T12:30:00.002-04:00

We were standing in the kitchen, while she helped with the dishes. "Miss. Leneita do you think I should have my teeth whitened?"

She was in 6th grade.

I asked her to smile big. "Your teeth look wonderful to me." They were a perfectly straight white picket fence of dental wonder. "Why?" I probed.

This young Latina was gorgeous. Her jet black hair fell to the middle of her back in perfect ringlets. Her chocolate brown eyes were wide with wonder. Her laugh was infectious. How could anyone not think she was anything short of amazing?

'Well the kids at school have been making fun of my teeth. They say they are yellow," She continued on. I took a hard long look at her mouth once again. Nope. They were truly perfect. I wish I had those teeth. We went on to talk about how exhausting it is to keep up with the stares of "friends," much less your enemies. The MS/HS years are riddled with trying to do just enough to blend into the background. The right hair, clothes, and actions all must be in place... 24/7.

I thought back to my own time during those years. I remember it vividly beginning in 4th grade. All the kids in my class made fun of me for being too sensitive. Alright, I cried all the time. Everyone called me "Cream Puff." It might make you giggle - it is a stupid name. Yet, when it is just enough of most of your class it effects you. I walked into the bathroom one day vowing to never cry in front of another living soul. I didn't for about a decade. There were many tears caught by my pillow in the evenings or in a bathroom stall, but never in front of people. It wasn't until I was 23 that I was able to once again allow the water to flow freely. I was 10 when I made the vow.

In 6th grade my "best friend" turned on me. I didn't know that her parents were getting a divorce. I didn't know that her older sister was suicidal. I found those details out years later.
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Instead one day she arrived at school with a plan to take me down. For the next year she mobilized the rest of the 6th grade to torment me. When I invited girls to my birthday she got to them, asking them to ensure they made fun of me after the fact. I'll never forget sitting in science class while she instructed the other girls to destroy the party favors that I had sent home. She successfully pulled off a prank which involved the whole 6th and 7th grade classes standing around my locker laughing at me. It was a scene right out of the climax of a Disney tween film. It only ended when she moved away.

There were the kids who made fun of me because my Mom was extremely overweight at the time. There was the era of the incessant prank phone calls. The girls who told me that the school stud who had fallen for me in 9th grade would never really want me and taunted me with it. The boy who threatened to kill me because he hated my mail box. Then there were the kids who just were plain mean. I was too talkative. I was too clumsy. Too this. Not enough that.

It never ended. Instead I found a niche in HS with the band and I was happy there. I became really good friends with a "tough girl," who "had my back." She was not a bully, but boy could she hold her own.

I began to hate who God had made me to be. It followed me to college. At 10 I started learning how to hide myself and cry myself to sleep. I think I got good at smiling and swallowing all the pain. It hurt because I could never quite figure out how to chameleon into who you wanted me to be.

When I really started to walk with Christ (in college)- I didn't get the culture that I was supposed to fit into.

I was asked to leave a Bible Study because "I talked too much." I was asked to leave a summer missions group because, "I was too strong and wanted to lead. I should know the men are supposed to be the leaders." (Yes, that was really said to me at 20.)

It merely confirmed that I was Created wrong.

To this day when I am teased about being vocal, the hair on the back of my neck stands just a little. I break into a cold sweat before playing a "fun" game of volleyball or softball. I know I won't get the ball over the net or run fast enough to the bases. I know you will make fun of me for it.

My husband was the first person that I met who didn't love my in spite of my flaws but BECAUSE of them.

My best friend in college was the first friend I had who embraced me for all of me and actually enjoyed hanging out with me.

I have spent my adult life with those apparently stuck in Middle School.

Why can't I just be less passionate? I am not a good enough housekeeper, wife, mother or minister. I have asked my husband, "Why can't I just learn to play by the rules?"

For YEARS I would pray for God to make me different. I just wanted to fit in.

Honestly - it has taken me about 39 years to learn to be comfortable in the skin that God made for me.

Still if you tell me I am talented or beautiful or that "passion is a good thing," I probably won't really believe or know what to do with the compliment. I will make fun of my faults so you can't get to them first. I will over think many conversations as to how they could have been better. I may not let my guard down and be fully me with you.

I am A LOT. You can probably only handle my intensity in small doses. Goofy things make me laugh until I cry. I might quote random clips from the "Vintage 21 Jesus Series" at you. I make a horrible first impression. I can't count how many times I have heard, "I didn't like you when I first met you." Yep- that is me- and well this is who God made me to be... It took a long time to allow the Lord to MOLD me into the person he intended me to be all along. Sure, we all need to let Jesus work on our "stuff," but my personality? He planned that before the beginning of time.

For here is how it molded me...

Jesus whispered that my name was NOT : TOO MUCH or NOT ENOUGH.

I am tenacious. I am a fierce warrior. I am a faithful friend.

I will search for the lost in every nook and cranny until they are found.

God has given me the eyes to notice the hurting.

I can live in the hood and see past the very thick and crusty exteriors.

When a girl stands in my kitchen and tells me at 12 that her teeth aren't white enough I know how it feels. I also know what she needs to hear.

TRUTH.

I have learned how to look students in the eye and speak life into their souls. The words of Christ.

Here is the truth about being bullied...

It never really goes away, it just changes shape. The world hates it when you don't look like this place.

Stopping this phenomena is a two sided coin.

Helping all see themselves through the eyes of their Savior. The bullies are trying to fit in by controlling others. The bullied become victims of hate. Both sides are in pain.

One side manipulates it and the other side feels it is out of their hands.

BOTH need a heart change. The Lord has used every experience and taken it back for his glory. Yet, I wouldn't wish my heart hurts on anyone.

This issue can only end with Jesus. It is another example of this very fallen world in need of the one who can set us free from ourselves.

For those of us on the other side of the words, we need to let others know. There is ONE who can make this change.

Pruning or Hacking?

2011-09-22T10:36:00.002-04:00

At the end of my block stands a mango tree. It is a beautiful full tree with leaves that stretch over the sidewalk.

Everyday you can find a huge group of people sitting on milk crates under the tree to escape the Florida sun. Men stand with hardened faces and stripped souls waiting for something. Up at dawn somedays, they just sit, not working, not doing, just sitting...

Until yesterday. I woke up to find that every single limb had been hacked from the tree. The foliage was piled high for the garbage man to take. The limbs were mangled and bruised. This act had been accomplished with little care and obvious frustration. This was no pruning, this was a hacking of a beautiful tree. Upon further discussion with the owner it was anger that had indeed caused him to strip the tree to a stump. Apparently, he was tired of those that sat under the tree. The "rif-raf" had showed up. Once just a mass of hopeless wandering souls had turned into drug deals. Waiting for life to show up was one thing, but now crime was happening under the tree. Shade had turned to darkness. Rather than dealing with the people, he got rid of the tree.

Now I awake to a mangled ugly mass of wood sticking up out of the ground. The group that had been hanging under the tree are now next door hanging on someone's porch. Ironically, they went no where. The same guys were there this morning that were there yesterday and the day before. The same people that our neighbor was trying to get rid of.

For pruning and hacking are two different acts.

Pruning causes one to cut the branches back for the purpose of growth. When the Lord "prunes" us it is with care and precision. Each item removed from "us" is to make room for something new. This is when the dead or choking portions are taken away. It is painful, but it is fruitful.

Hacking is simply removing circumstances. People "hack." There is no thought to how it is done. The goal is to remove something external with hope for an internal change. The problem is that the heart doesn't change. So neither do we. In short we just find somewhere else to conduct our sin.

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2

Pruning leaves beautiful space for more.

Hacking just creates an ugly and dying fruit tree.

We must be very careful as we look at the world, ourselves and those we minister to with the eyes of a gardner who wants to see a pruned life. Otherwise in anger we will just remove what was actually meant for life.

When DO we Parent?

2011-09-21T11:51:00.002-04:00

The number one lesson you learn your first year into youth ministry is that your students do not need (or want for that matter) you to be their "friend."

They are not looking for someone older who acts their age and interacts as a peer. Instead they are hungering for someone who will unabashedly love them with the truth.

It's obvious. While we are afraid that they won't "like" us at some point we "get over it."

A much harder lesson to learn are the moments when you feel you need to act like a parent. Do we? Don't we?

There is the student who needs to be given lessons on hygiene. You know the 13 year old boy who you finally pull aside and give a "talk" on deodorant usage and that "Axe" body spray can be used in ADDITION to - not INSTEAD of a shower. There are the numerous 6th graders that I have personally talked through a bathroom stall with, as they panic over the moment upon which they discovered their very first "that time of the month." Should that have been me?

Then there is the wide eyed look from the middle schooler who has asked you to better explain the "facts of life" to them. The deep secrets and fears that the "youth people" hear when a teen won't turn to home. Moments come that are obvious "parenting" times. Sometimes they happen to us, other times they are thrust upon us. Yet, still we feel that you are the ones in the position of guidance.

We have all been there. The student that you have to "cut off" from eating too much at the buffet because they overindulge. The student (ok all of them) that needs to be directed to clean up after themselves. Basically, it is the point in time at which you feel like a Mom or Dad.

It is easy to allow ourselves to slip into this place and feel good about it. Early this year I had another youth guy admit, "It makes me feel good when the kids call me Dad. I mean I know that their own parents are failing."

See what we forget is that there is a marked difference between the times when we "parent" a student and the moment at which we allow ourselves to BECOME the parent.

In a world where 3 million children are being raised by their grandparents it is easy to do. The divorce rate once at almost 70% is dropping... because parents aren't getting married at all. 1 in 3 children in America are born to a never married parent. Homes are broken. If it isn't obvious well then sometimes the "togetherness" behind closed doors runs with stress and at least one (if not two) parents who are overworked. Goodness parents practically ASK us to take their job for them. There are some kids who are with us youth people more than they are ever at home.

How do we navigate these waters? When do I not allow myself to be Mom?

1. See the "parental figure" through the eyes of Christ.

Sure they might be "failing" but the Lord longs for the hearts of the children and fathers to be turned back to each other. Watch the judgement. Remember they have a parent. Watch students calling you "Mom" or "Dad," especially if they "have" one living at home. Direct them, "I love you, but I am not your Mom (or Dad)." The ultimate (human) authority in their life should be the one under whose headship they reside. It doesn't matter if this is a foster parent, grandparent, older sibling or Mom and Dad. It doesn't matter what kind of "job" we think they are doing. Give the power back to Jesus in the home. Pray for the family.

2. Catch yourself.

It is easy to get a "If they didn't have me then who would they have," attitude. We don't know when and how the Lord will fix a family situation. Do not position yourself as a "Savior." It is ultimately not our "job" to decide whether or not the parent is "doing it right." We are here to support the family and walk our life with them. Allow the student to vent. Love them in the midst of their hurt and anger towards family situations. Remember we are only hearing one side of the story here. Make sure to not separate the youth from their family and see them as singular. It is vital to remember that parent and child are actually a package deal.

3. Treat Others How You Want to Be Treated.

You may or may not have your "own" children. Ask yourself this question. "If this was my child, how would I want to be treated as a parent?" Is it a liberty that you should take? Should you point the student back to their parent? Should you follow up with the parent and tell them how you needed to step in? Keep pointing the children back to their parents when appropriate. Tell the parent CONTINUOUSLY- that you are working WITH them, and NOT AGAINST them.

4. The Lost Art of the Extended Family:

All of us need supplemental people in our lives. Sometimes it takes many people surrounding a student so that they might experience success. I know one young woman who currently attends a small group, has 2 one on one mentors, and is involved in a large group program. She has at least 5 people who are surrounding her in addition to her parents to support and love her. In America we have successfully shut people off from us. We need family. Our youth needs family. Think of it this way- If you are in your 20's you sort of position yourself as an older sibling. In your 30's and 40's you become and Aunt or Uncle. In your 40's and 50's you are a Godparent. In your 60's or older you become a grandparent. We have forgotten how to be one big happy family. If we come in and walk WITH a parent- instead of REPLACING them then we are all in this together. The student needs each and every one.

5. Instruct:

Have an attitude of growing the youth. Don't be afraid to take an attitude of instruction. We are teaching them HOW while walking out life WITH them and their family. Sometimes we may need to teach our students HOW to talk and ask their parents questions. "The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith." 1 Timothy 1:5.

Bottom line is that most of us parents feel like we are totally inadequate. ALL OF THE TIME. Adolescence is hard. It is hard on the students and for us as parents we have no idea how to tread these waters.

We need you to be in the trenches WITH us and our kids. It's alright to help with deodorant. Then pull us aside and clue us in on when you are stepping up and we should. I don't think it is an either OR situation... it is the grace of the AND.

Farming.

2011-09-19T10:32:00.000-04:00

This past week I got to hang out with some friends in ministry. On our last day together we were led in a quick and simple "activity."

A pile of random things was dumped in the middle of the floor. "Ask the Lord what he wants of you, then pick up an item to reflect that," was the basic idea.

Before the words even finished coming out of our leader's mouth, I spotted them.

A packet of seeds.

"No, please, not that," I choked out to my God.

For years, I have described myself as a farmer. I know, an odd analogy for someone who does ministry in the "hood." Yet, it makes sense.

When I had been “doing this” for about two years I had become very discouraged with the calling that the Lord had put on my life. I felt that I never saw any “results.” All of my time was spent with youth from the inner city day in and out. Relationships were built, the focus was Christ and yet somehow still there were fights, cussing, backbiting and general bad attitudes. I cried out to the Lord, “WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???” This is when the Lord led me to 1 Corinthians 3,” I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. For we are God's fellow workers…”

Paul and Apollos were farmers? Don’t we always hear about the harvest? After all it is mentioned both in Matthew and then again in Luke 16, “He (Jesus speaking) told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”

I had always imagined it was sort of like an apple orchard at harvest time. Anyone who has ever been apple picking knows that the idea of it is much more fun than the actual act. Why? If you go at the height of the season , a person can basically go to one tree, give it a good hard shake and end up with more apples than you know what to do with! I used to thing that if I just go out under my tree the Lord is going to allow all of the “souls” to fall right into my basket. They are out there simply ripe and ready and there is no work that I have to do in order to see lives changed.

However, when we look at it from this perspective there is a very vital piece of information missing. Someone had to plant the apple tree. Someone had to think about the orchard. Planting an apple orchard is a lot of work. For even a small orchard there is planning, preparing the soil, planting the seeds, care of the seedlings and protection. Planting one simple seed involves preparing the seed and caring for it. One must take a seed and wrap it in a wet paper towel until it starts to sprout some basic roots. Then you plant that seed in a special type of fertilized soil placed in a Styrofoam cup in a greenhouse environment. Then you wait for that to sprout a tiny little seedling. Then you replant your little sprout into a bigger bucket of special soil, and you can now allow it to acclimate to the air outside. When it finally gets a little bigger you can finally transplant it outside in your “orchard.’ Trees must be a certain distance from one another and the sapling must be planted at a specific depth. The soil has been specially prepared once again for the reception of your tender little “tree.” Rocks were dug up, soil was tilled, fertilizer was laid and even the ph balance of the soil kept in check. Now you tie your little shoot to stakes so that it can grow straight and strong. You will be the protector from such enemies as bugs, pests, birds, evil fungus, and the weather. For about 4 years your tree will simply grow, bearing no fruit. Yet, you will prune back the branches and cover it from frost. On year five your apple tree will produce An apple, (maybe two). The next year a couple more. Finally after TEN years from seed to tree you will pick your first real “crop” of apples. That is just one tree.

The life of a farmer, is not about tending this one tree, after it has produced fruit. No we plant, we water, wait for the increase. The next year, plant, water, wait. As I stood before my friends with my seeds, I admitted. "I am a farmer and I hate it."

I am certain they thought I was crazy. For I love pouring into people. I do love seeing the multiplication of souls when I raise up the next generation. However, my hands are calloused. My life has been riddled far more with faithfulness in growing than the production of "fruit." Many times I feel as if I am staring at an empty orchard waiting for that first apple. I hope against hope that it will show up.

One friend understood. He lives in a farming community. "I have watched the life of farmers. It is back breaking work. It is exhausting."

Exactly, I am spent. I have been digging until my fingers bleed. Even harvesting is much different than picking. Harvesting is all about ensuring that a "crop" is totally pulled and picked and cleared from the field. From the first rock taken from the dirt to the last pulled from the tree takes time and care and focus and tenacity.

I was unprepared that the Jesus would basically say, "Keep it up."

As if to prove the point I came home last night to a darkened house that still has no floors. This morning a roach climbed up the bathroom wall. The prostitutes are still on the corners. The dealers were up early and hanging under the tree down on the corner. Kids were bustling to school with heads down and hardened hearts. Less than five miles away the resort communities full of the wealthy don't even know we exist.

I thought the Lord was going to tell me it was time to leave. Perhaps I could be released to a little more comfort, in an area with a little less crime, to a people who are looking for a change of soul.

I had not idea how tired I was. Holding onto what my God would say, I thought it would be new.

Yet, here I am farming.

Once again. That tenacity of seeing it all to completion once again pops into place.

My eye is on the harvest.

Every ... single... piece .... of .... fruit.... picked... clean.

Standing before the throne one day when I will hear those amazing words...

"Well. Done. Good. and FAITHFUL. SERVANT."

If I am in love with my Jesus, then how can I do anything less than what he asks? How can I be disappointed with the call?

Instead, I am asking for a fresh passion for a new day in the fields.

First Follower...

2011-09-13T09:42:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine showed me this awesome video the other day.

Watch the view.

I got to thinking about how we all ought to be "first followers" of Christ. The difference of course being that we are all constantly making the "movement" about him and not us.

Then in the context of ministry though we need to answer these questions:

1. Will we be a "first follower?" Rally the troops to take the world for Christ?

2. Are we willing to submit to vision?

3. Do we believe that if we are brave and bold that the masses will indeed follow?

Can we be willing to make a difference?