Fight. No FIGHT!

There is an insidious evil out there.  He is our adversary.  He is looking to devour each of us.  He wants to bring us down.  I don't even need to say his name.  He is our enemy.  He is real.  He wants to take us down and it is personal.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Eph. 6:12


For those of us who do not belong to Christ he wants to put a wall up that makes us believe we don't need him.   For those of us who do belong to Jesus he know that nothing can separate us from the Lord's love.  Our enemy knows that he can't snatch us out of his hand.  However,  what he can do is take our testimony down.  He can make us believe that  there is no hope.  We might enter heaven's gates but he can make sure that no one else comes with us.  His strategy against each of us is unique.  He is shooting fiery arrows at us constantly.  Over and again it is ceaseless.

In the last month here is what he has done to my closest friends:

One has breast cancer.   She just turned 40.

One tried to take their own life,  because the lie of hopelessness became too real.

One has abandoned their family because  he convinced her "life is too hard."

Three of my friends have children who are being bullied.

These are just the tragedies.  This doesn't even mark those that I know that are out of work,  grappling with depression,  financial destitution or crumbling marriages.

ALL of the scenarios I described are from people who love the Lord.  Most of them are in some form of "professional" ministry.  These are not people who are apathetic or luke warm.  They are all people who have or are walking out vibrant relationships with their Savior.  Some how I am believing that there is a plan to take us down.  One by one.  Make us believe that it is all about us,  and not about our Lord.

Me?  What is the strategy against me.  I let him in my head and I become myopic.  I have been sick for a very long time.  He chips away at me slowly but surely.  The list goes on and on.

Recently,  I was convicted that I had stopped fighting.  I told a close friend that I was just exhausted.  In the middle of a hot and thick battle I had sat down.  The Lord showed me that the war is already won.  He proved that by conquering death.   Yet,  my armor was wearing thin.  Sometimes attacks come in the form of a whisper that causes me to make a poor choice.  Other times it is a circumstance.  Sometimes people hurt me.  Yet,  those blows are all from the same source.  The deceiver.  The shield of faith that I need to combat those fiery arrows was at my ankles.  I certainly was not wielding the sword of the Spirit.  Instead,  I was letting my enemy take me down.  In the worst kind of way,  I believed I was ineffective.

You know what?  The Lord woke me up.  He reminded me I have to put my armor on daily.  Salvation protects my mind.  Righteousness protects my heart.  Truth protects my soul.  Peace protects me as I go and tell others.  Faith is the shield that covers me head to toe.  Finally,  the WORD is my weapon of war.  Not only my armor,  but I need to help those around me put their armor on as well.

I want to leave you with this imagery.  We have all been called to our place in this battle.  We must stand.  We must fight.

" Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."  Eph. 6:13

Stand your ground.  Keep standing.  Don't sit this one out.  Set your eyes on Jesus.   It doesn't mean we won't be afraid.

This is a scene from Lord of the Rings.  Eowyn is fighting for the king.  She is in a battle she feels she has no place in.  When the king is attacked,  all she can do is stand.  For she understands that the fight is really for him.  She takes her place as the one that God created her to be.   She wins.... Take a look.  Be inspired.  When we believe the enemy has won,  then we are forgetting that war is won.  Christ did it for us.  The problem comes when we try to fight for ourselves.  The fight is and always been for him.

FIGHT!  If you are too tired... FIGHT!

Is "Potential" a Dirty Word?

Our small group conversation had taken many paths this day.  Honestly,  I can't remember how it ended up here.   All of a sudden a very animated Iquan blurts out,  "I hate it when adults tell me I have potential."

"Why?"  I inquired.  In my own mind that is a great word that helps others understand  we were made for more.

Iquan continued, "Well,  first of all I mostly hear the word from teachers or my parents when I am getting lectured. It never really feel positive.  Also,  I don't ever feel like I am allowed to just mess up.  It's like everyone just thinks I am this screw up.  When I do something right,  it's like that was a mistake."  I wanted to make sure I understood where he was going, "So what I hear you saying is that you feel like people just think you can't get ever get it right.  When you do that is just a deviation from the norm. What you want is people to see that you are really not trying to mess up.  It just happens sometimes." (Yes I used the word deviation.  Yes I had to explain what I meant by that.)  His eyes went wide,  "Exactly!  I don't feel like adults really believe in me when they say that.  It's like they can't see I'm trying."  Iquan got quieter now as he looked at me pleadingly,  "Mrs. Leneita,  I am trying.  Why can't people see that?"

We stayed on this topic for awhile.  I went on to explain that in my mind everyone has potential.  It means that we are always growing in life,  in the Lord.  I  took a second to tell Iquan what I appreciate about him.  He likes to push the envelope and think outside the norm.  That's a great thing.  Iquan questions the world around him.  He wants to understand why he is following Christ and who this Jesus is.  Iquan is of course your average 16 year old boy as well who tries to justify to me why Little Wayne is a worthwhile listen.

I have spent the better part of a week chewing on this conversation.  Isn't it ironic that in our effort to spur our youth on,  they do indeed feel it is "just a lecture."   Many times out of exasperation we are trying to tell our students or our own kids that they can be more than who they are today.  I thought of the many times I have used "potential" when I think a student is a challenge.   Yet,  sometimes our youth are thinking,   "Why can't you see I don't want to keep falling down?  I don't know how to stop?"  As I listened "between the lines,"  I realized that Iquan was saying,  "Help me don't talk at me."

So in those moments when we need to call a student to "more,"  how do we?   For the reason we throw words like "potential"  around is often because we feel our students are either going down the wrong path or are just plain apathetic.

What's the approach?

1.  Make Sure they Know WHO they Belong To:

When we don't know who we belong to we live like orphans with no home.  Often we are witnessing students that don't understand what it means to be called a "child of God."  1 John 3:1a  tells us,  "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"  As a child I learned a worship song that quoted that verse.  I can remember sitting in the back of my car singing it over and again,  but never really taking the words to heart.  We tell others they need to ask "Jesus into their hearts."  It isn't entirely an accurate of portrait of what must happen.  Yes,  the Holy Spirit comes to reside inside because of our relationship with the Lord.  HOWEVER,  that is an ancillary benefit of accepting the offer of Salvation.  In my small group last week,  the students who happened to be there have all grown up in the church.  They have all been in small groups.  Most have been in some form of mentor or discipleship relationship with a Believer.  In short they have heard the Gospel literally hundreds of times.  All of them would claim that they have "asked Jesus in."  When I asked them to explain to me what that means.  "Do you know what it means to be God's child and the benefits that come with that?"  None of them could give me an answer.  They had heard.  They did not understand how to live in belonging to Christ.  We must move to continually helping them see this as a reality.

2.  See Them TODAY As Christ Sees Us:

The Lord sees us as his children.  He sees us as forgiven.  He sees us as his.  He sees today as the day called for salvation.  He sees us with hope.  He sees the plan in us.  That plan starts now- not someday.  His hand is extended always to EACH OF US.  It is important that we remember just because we are "older" than our students it doesn't mean we have obtained righteousness.  "None of us are righteous,  no not one."   Romans 3:10  That truth is for people of all ages.  If we are not walking with Christ,  he still sees us as all of those things.  We just haven't accepted his invitation to know.   He waits for the day we will make the choice to grab ahold of him and become his.  We must never lose sight of this and then share it with those around us.  We are all in process.  Often we forget that.  Iquan doesn't want us to see him as who he could be someday.  He longs for me to look at him in this day as the Lord does.

3.  Let Them Mess Up and Wrestle with the Hard Stuff:


Part of Iquan's struggle is that he feels like those guiding him are just telling him what to do.  Our role in his life is to make sure he knows what the narrow path looks like.  We need to teach him how to chose the "right way."  We also need to recognize that sometimes he might be defiant. This is a sin issue and,  he needs to comprehend repentance.  Other times he might try another direction just to see where it goes.  Sometimes,  (many times)  he will turn around and want to know,  "Why should I go this way or do this?"  He is not always rebelling.  He is figuring out how to grow up.   He can't learn HOW if we don't let him try.  Figuring it out is the very definition of adolescence.  Instead of just pushing him along,  let's teach him the Way, the Truth and the Life.  Most of the time he just wants to understand.  When we see destruction ahead our role is to tell him what it looks like,  and how to avoid it.  Then we need to trust when he comes upon it,  Iquan indeed will miss the land mines.

4.  Walk it Out:

Here is how Christ modeled reaching our "potential."  

I will do it  - You watch.   (Miracles performed,  life lived,  lessons taught.)

You do it  -  I will watch.  (Sending out of the disciples twice while he was still on earth to cast out demons and spread the good news.

You do.  (Jesus left them as lead the church.)

If we want our Iquans to grow we must model the same idea.  Give them a chance to reach and succeed , learning not to be the church of tomorrow,  but the leaders of today.   We can all begin with our own "Jerusalem,"  as we all like to say.  For a teen,  this is their closest friends,  their school,  or even the members of their sports teams.


"There is nothing sadder to those of us who disciple kids,  when we see you get stuck and not want to change,"  I told Iquan. "We look at you today, knowing  He can use you now.  So many times we see you walk away,  and it hurts our hearts.  We use the word "potential,"  because we see you choosing to turn away from who the Lord is calling you to be. However,  I want you to know that all of us, me and the other leaders,  we haven't reached our potential either.  Being all Christ wants us to be takes us into eternity.  Potential doesn't have to be a bad word,  it all depends on how we spin it."



* All names have been changed.

Taking the "Me" Out of Ministry....

When I had been "doing" full- time paid ministry for about 5 years, I decided that I wanted to hit the speaking circuit.   In reality I had been serving in some form of ministry capacity at that point for about 8 or 9 years.  Having learned so much I just wanted to help others be better equipped and trained.  At the same time,  if I am honest I liked the idea of being heard.  I would have said all of the right words that it was "about the Lord."  Yet,  the "next level" of ministry to me was to become a "known name."

 There was a pretty big name conference for urban youth ministers and I was invited to submit an outline for consideration.  Word came back that it just "didn't have enough to offer." In other words,  I wasn't quite ready yet.  Needless to say I was crushed.  Truly,  I thought the Lord was calling me to share my experiences with the masses.

Still that experience caused me to step back and examine my heart.  Why did I want to teach and speak?  Did I want others to learn?  Did I want the world to hear what I had to say?  Who was I doing it for anyway? Me?  Christ?  That experience changed the way that I approach ministry all together.  I came out the other side realizing that it can be really easy to miss Jesus as we are trying to "work" for him.  It was fine to want to train others (disciple in the truest sense of the word),  yet,  it just couldn't be for my glory at all.

As my years in ministry have marched on,  the Lord has only continued to humble me in this area.  How many times have I been concerned about me?  My feelings are hurt.  My opinions are not being heard. My ministry is not growing or succeeding or shining.  No one is listening to me.

 My, mine,  me.

Romans 1:1, Philippians 1:1, Titus 1:1,  James 1:1 &2, 2 Peter 1:1, Jude 1:1 and Revelation 1:1,  all have one statement in common.  That first "sentence" of those letters and books,  describe the person putting pen to paper.  Paul,  a servant.    Paul and Timothy,  servants of Christ.   "Jude, a servant of Jesus Christ and a brother of James."   "James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ."

Jude and James were believed to be half- brothers to Jesus.  They did not say "I am Jesus' brother.  Mary's son."  No- their identifier was- servant.    More appropriately the word used again and again is the Greek "doulos."  This word means slave or bond servant.    You are indebted,  you belong to someone else.  These men.  The ones we consider the "heroes of the Bible,"  saw themselves as little more than belonging to someone else:  the living God.  Out of delight it was their duty to serve him fully.   As we are told so eloquently in 1 Cor. 7:22   "And remember, if you were a slave when the Lord called you, you are now free in the Lord. And if you were free when the Lord called you, you are now a slave of Christ."  If we are a slave to earth we understand the freedom that comes with serving the Lord,  if we were free we must understand what it means to serve the master's will.

 That means "I" must get out of the way.  Pushing aside my ego,  while "dying to self,"  I remember it is all about Jesus.  The goal is  that I can boast in nothing except for him,  because my true purpose is to see him glorified.

However,  I grapple.   When someone else's ministry seems to grow faster than mine I think, "Lord do you not notice me?"  When my student's are not coming to group consistently,  I wonder.  My soul questions,  "Why does he/she get to be famous but I don't?"  Even as I type these words I cringe at my own selfishness.  I am supremely uncomfortable and would rather not share with you the depravation of my own soul.

For my heart has grown with a desire to multiply the workers in the field.  More than ever I want to be the hands and feet of Christ to raise up others to be well equipped as they "GO, " wherever the Lord wants them.  Yet,  I wonder if I know what it really truly means to be a slave to Christ?  This means be, do, go wherever he wants,  whenever he wants.  It means me, my, mine is eliminated from my vocabulary. It means I come to understand when those feelings rise up wanting to be "noticed" it is merely jealousy and insecurity.  In short it is sin,  and I have forgotten how to serve.

Now here is one thing I can't do.  Pretend like those moments don't come when I am myopic.  For,  it is easy for me to complain to you while at the same time declaring my own humility.  Belonging to someone else is not easy.  Self- righteousness stands at the door knocking,  some days louder than others.  The longer I serve it is easy to believe the more I deserve.  I flip the switch on what Christ owes me for all I have given him.  I can tell you,  "No it doesn't really matter if I am heard."  Honestly,  some days it does.   Even if it shouldn't.   The first step is to acknowledge the truth of my own heart.

We know. none of us are or will be or ever have been good enough to deserve him: EVER.     He was fully human,  fully man,  carried our sin on that cross and hung there blameless for each one   He became the bridge back to right relationship to the Father.   He died.  He suffered for our sake.  More importantly,  he conquered death.  The pain would have been all for nought if he hadn't walked out of that tomb.  I owe him EVERYTHING.  My gross heart has earned nothing.  The point is not to simply acknowledge this in my head,  but allow this to become embedded in my being.

My question to you today is are you anything like me?  Do you posture?  Do you worry about the name and success of you and your ministry?  How do we define success anyway?  Do you get upset that ministry is "so hard?"  Are you more worried about branding yourself than working together in unity for the sake of our King?   Yes,  that is the dirt in my soul.

However,  I am realizing something really important.   There isn't enough time to get stuck on "me."  There is a generation hungering and dying for Christ.  They have no clue what it means to place their identity in him.  They really don't know they are the leaders of today.   If we disciple- pour into- and raise up the way Jesus did we really have time for about twelve.  Our focus would really be on about three.  That means there is no way me by-myself or you by -yourself can do all the work.  There is a large harvest in need of lots and lots of laborers.

The time has come to realize we are all slaves to the same one and only. Has my desire to speak and teach and train and write gone anywhere?  No.  It is actually more intact than ever.  However,  my purposes have changed.  Every day I fight the fight of me.  Minute by minute I kill self over and again. When my questions come back around to my own fame.  Well,  then I have forgotten who owns me.  For,  as I contemplate the love he continuously pours out,  how can I... no we... do anything less than be his doulos?   I am wondering, can we do it together?

CAN YOU SEE?

 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."  Hebrews 11:1

Lately,  I have been thinking a lot about the subject of faith.  What it is and what it isn't.  We are told it only needs to be as big as a "mustard seed."  We are told it is entirely about believing in what you CAN NOT SEE.

This means that we hold onto the hope that a promise will come to fruition regardless of whether our eyes ever get to physically gaze on the "solution."  But, that isn't how I work.   I jump from the airplane thinking that there will come a point (rather quickly) that I will pull the parachute and hit the ground.   I never think about the fact that faith is truly jumping,  not knowing when (or if) I ever get to touch ground.  Instead,  it is about trusting with my whole self that there is a ground below,  whether I ever meet up with it or not.

Yet,  in my ministry career I grapple with this concept.  I am an American.  To me "faith" should be fast food and consumer friendly.  About 4 months ago I heard a very popular pastor of a mega church speak on this topic.  This is a man whose church went from a small plant to numbers ranging at almost 10,000 in about a year.  He literally became an "over night success"  and is on the speaking circuit.  He was standing in front of me telling me to "just hold on"  that "God will come through."  I  was excited by his words.  As I chewed on them later I thought about how much of my ministry time has been spent in that patient "waiting" pattern.  There are so many promises that the Lord has spoken to my heart that seem both impossible and improbable.   While well meaning,  this young speaker fed my believe that is about looking to the Lord for a year,  a week or a day and then he waves his magic wand and it all "just happens."

For many of us we set out down the path of ministry and it just doesn't work that way.  Why?  Take a look at Hebrews 11.  This is the march of the "heroes of the faith."   Take a long look at that chapter.  It is not a list of men who saw total fulfillment of the "promise,"  in their time here on earth.  Some saw no evidence at all,  others simply witnessed a tipping point.  Think about it in Abraham's time here on earth Isaac wasn't born until VERY late in life.  Then Isaac had twins-  two children.  3 descendants.  This is hardly numbers that equal the sand on the seashore or the stars in the sky.  Noah built a boat and landed on an empty barren earth,  gets drunk and mocked by his son.  These are times when I would have been left feeling like,  "This is it?"

We forget that the very essence of faith is about the UNSEEN.   As we grapple with this subject it leaves us with two approaches to ministry (and life.)

1.  The Betterment Philosophy

This is the ideology that all we can do is make anyone's life "better"  for today.  We sort of "give up" on having confidence that anything will really "happen."  In youth min the approach would be, "Well, kids rebel,  that's what they do,  but I can be here for them when they do."  In working with challenging parents it's, "Well,  the parent just will never change so I guess I deal with it."  In life it's, "Well,  this is where the Lord put me,  so I have to get by."   Basically,  we think all we can do is live for today,  and work on making that a little bit better.   I am not really talking about living for today because,  "tomorrow has enough trouble of its own."  I am not referring to being fully present in today. Instead,  this is a matter of the heart.  It is when we think,  "It is and always will be this way, (not working) so I will plant myself here."  At the very least we have made this one situation better. Since we are told that we will face trials,  it makes sense to just accept this as truth.

2.  A Visionary Philosophy

This is the ideology that the Lord can and WILL show up.  Even if we can't, don't or never "see" anything happen,  we know that God is at work.  Our sight is on the promise.   Will students rebel still? Yes,  there is free- will.  We may never see a parent change.    With the blinking orbs that reside in our head,  we may never witness any sort of transformation in any life.  YET,  our hearts CAN AND DO see it all! Our hearts change to,  "I do not accept rebellion as a must in adolescence, I believe this generation are the leaders of the church TODAY."   "I know the Lord wants this parent to step up and take their place at the head of this family,  I believe the Lord  IS working in their hearts."   "The Lord gave me the honor of being here at such a time as this,  and I will do every single thing for HIM."   We are not looking necessarily to WHAT will happen,  but we have never forgotten WHO is at work.

What we can witness and what we trust seem to collide.  One philosophy seem depressing and the other feels too naive.  Most of us navigate somewhere between the two.  Think of Paul.  There were times when he stood before kings.  Other times he wrote letters from jail.  He was scourged and shipwrecked.  Supported and abandoned.  Where was his sight?  The end of the race.   He totally focused on how to run the marathon today.  Many,  many days the finish line seemed very far away.  At the same time his face was set "like flint"  on getting there.

I live in neighborhood that never seems to be different.  No matter how much time I spend with my neighbors,  I still see them standing on their porches at 8 AM everyday with a beer in hand, with no desire to follow Christ.    No matter how many times I tell young women where their identity lies,  they are still getting pregnant at 12, 14 and 16.  When I focus on the obstacles,  I am extremely discouraged.   Instead,  I say, "Lord give me your vision."  I must wake up every day and say,  "Today is the day called for Salvation."   If I never "see"  I know that my God is too big and trustworthy to let his promises return to him empty.   So I go to bed praying,  "Lord,  I didn't notice today what you did,  can you help me "see" it?"

Every student.  Every parent.  Every family.  Everyone.  Needs us to have vision for their lives.  Not just that God is capable. That the one who calls us IS faithful and he WILL do it.  The Holy Spirit is at work-  DAILY-  whether it is obvious to us or not.

All I know is that when I look at ministry through this lens something is ignited in me.  As we speak, I am preparing today for my small group of teens who is coming to my house this afternoon.  I simply can't wait to "SEE"  how the Lord will show up.

What about you?  Where are you "looking" these days?  Better question- Where is your faith?

Bully- The New Definition

Growing up I was "picked on" notoriously.  There was the kid who threatened to kill me because he didn't like my mail box,  the era of the "anonymous" messages on my answering machine,   and name calling and "practical jokes,"  that cut deep. Funny thing was I just thought it was a regular part of growing up.  It wasn't until just about a year ago that it dawned on me that I was the brunt of bullies.

I mean no one ever shook me down for my milk money.  No one ever stuck my head in a toilet.  No one ever  gave me an "atomic wedgie."  Yet,  I can remember many,  many days with a sick feeling in my stomach that caused me to not want to go to school to face these tormenting peers.

Fast forward to a small group I was running a couple of weeks ago.   One of my girls made the statement, "I don't get the big deal about bullying.  I don't ever see anyone get shoved into a locker."   The other kids in the group,  shook their heads in agreement.  To them a "bully" was someone who attacked you physically.  This was an "aha"moment for me.   In the urban environment protecting yourself physically is a way of life.  Someone gets in your face and you are taught to get in theirs.  The "traditional" thoughts of  bullying simply don't feel like they apply.  So  I posed this question,  "Have you ever had to deal with drama at school? "  All of the kids answered  "Of course."  "All right then," I went on,  "How many of you have ever had to deal with drama that doesn't go away?  Someone is just at you over and again,  until you don't know what to do about it?  Drama that goes on for so long,  and you feel helpless to stop it so you want to avoid school."  Many of the kids nodded,  "Oh yeah,  that has happened before."   "I would contend then that if you have experienced this or seen it happen to a friend then this is the new face of bullying."   A light dawned for them.  The meaning to that word suddenly changed.

This word keeps gracing the airwaves.  There are campaigns like the "Pink Shirt Day,"(coming up on Wednesday, February 29th) that bring awareness and support to fighting the topic.  Yes,  sexual harassment and physical attacks still help us understand the word.  However, I would say equally insidious is peer harassment.  We have come to understand the face of this phenomena in technology with defining the term "Cyber-Bullying."  Continued pain inflicted on Face Book is just as damaging as any fist to the eye.  A "bully"  no longer has to inflict physical harm to do damage.

No one in "authority"  seems to be able to agree on what to do about the topic.  Sure someone puts their hands on you and that is an easy response.  Yet,  what do we do about the other accounts?  Recently I read an article by a school principle who made the point that their school has a "zero tolerance policy, "  and "every reported incident is investigated thoroughly."  However,  he followed with pointing out that sometimes, "kids will just be kids and it is part of growing up to learn to deal with conflict."   This made me think about the time that I tried to talk to my middle school Science teacher about the girl who sat next to me in class.  She would steal and break my pencils everyday so that I could "learn what she would do to me later."   My teachers response was that I just needed to learn that dealing with difficult people was a part of life.    Thankfully,  I had others who did believe me.   Yet,  I think of the kids around the country who struggle silently.  They don't want to be the "snitch."  They think there is something wrong with them because no matter how hard they try sticks,  stones and words are crushing them.  Hope dries up.  We wonder why a generation is cutting or worse killing themselves?

Worse yet,  is this phenomena has become so subtle students live in fear of being the next victim.  I work with two students who fit this category.  One has had to deal with teasing.   As far as I can get out of him,  I'm not sure if it has crossed the line to something more.  Yet,  as a young Middle Schooler,  he lives in panic every day that it will.   This young man exists in a constant state of anxiety.  What if today is the day that the jabs turn into a consistent persecution?  Another young lady that I work with tries desperately to just "fly below the radar."  A good friend of hers has been the brunt of a bully.  On the one hand,  she is the first to stand up for her young friend.  She will tell,  the other girls that call her names that it isn't right.  For herself though,  she must maintain a constant state of perfectionism. What if someone observes her flaws as well?  For both of these kids the potential of bullying is just as notorious as living through it.

Whatever it is I think it is time that those of us on the front lines with kids start doing something.  I would argue that it begins with changing the definition.  I don't mean this as an exercise in avoiding the actual subject.  I am serious,  let's change the wording.  Let's move away from merely images of kids getting the shake down.  Let's use a phrase that deals with the chipping away at your soul that happens through the words spit in venom.

 Going to school between 6th and 12th grade can feel like jumping ship into a river of piranhas, on a daily basis.   That is the nature of those years.  It is all about status and survival.  However,  there is a dark undercurrent that we must recognize.  There is "more to it."  


A couple  of  friends of mine proposed the statement, "peer harassment."    It is a much better wording.  If this definition can change I think those of us on the front lines with kids will change our approach as a whole.

Here is what I believe will be different:

 Listening and Responding:

 Really listening,  between the lines hearing what is being said.  We must let students know that they are not "weak" if they "can't handle it."  No one can.    We  all need help.  That's all right.  "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger,"  is not always a truth.  For some kids the wounds run so deep it does indeed cause them to take their own lives.


Avoid Telling Students What They Feel:

 We need to stop telling students when it shouldn't bother them.  "Oh,  those kids are just jealous of you,"  is  our common response.  Maybe.  Knowing why you are getting hurt doesn't make the pain go away.   Not every student will be able to "handle it."   Our empathy must rise,  and we must stop pushing their feelings aside.   Letting the victims know that their pain matters is a first step.  Then we can teach them how to navigate these waters.


Recognize There Are Rarely Simple Solutions:

Students put hands on another student and they end up suspended.  On some occasions they are even expelled.  However,  when you are the student who stands up for "what is right"  in these delicate years,  it can open "Pandora's box."  Yes,  the "bully" is gone.  Now you deal with glares of some who wonder why you "made waves?"  Disney teen sitcoms,  would argue we can all laugh it off or stand up for ourselves and it will be fine.  Sometimes it isn't that simple. Believe me,  I like quick and simple solutions.  But,  I think of a gay 19 year old who recently took his life.  He was picked on from about 5 years old for being effeminate.  Then before he ever "came out of the closet"  he was called horrific names.   His parents thought he was demonized and attempted an exorcism on him.  Supposedly he "got over it."  He even participated in the "It Gets Better" campaign with a video for other gay teens.  The acts against him ended.  The wounds were left oozing and bleeding.  The ghosts of all of those years caught up with him and he took his life.  Actions ended.  The agony didn't.  This is what I call a "stinky onion issue."  The more layers we peel away the  more it smells,  assaults our senses,  and makes us cry.  No one "formula" will make is all go "poof."  It is about learning to undo,  all the "layers."


Teach the Power of Hope:

I think to all of the mighty insecurities I still have in check from my years at the hands of multiple bullies.   There wasn't just one kid who needed to "move away."  Instead,  I was left trying to figure out what was wrong with me.   It's a question I still ask in situations where I am "too much,"  or  "not enough."   During those years people would say the words, "Just go to Jesus."  I had no idea what that meant.  If I was too wretched for my peers,  why would the Creator of the Universe,  want to have anything to do with me?  That was until out of desperation I sought him.   What happens to those in the midst of bullying is that they are stripped of hope.  They can't see the Lord,  he feels too far away.  Sometimes our role is to simply hold someone close and let them know there is peace in the storm.  All is not lost.  There is one who won't leave you.  Sometimes,  when they don't know the way,  we have to show them.  This happens through crying with them, holding them close and whispering words of truth.


If you are like me this topic leaves you speechless.  When those closest to me have lived through the rough moments, all I have is love to offer.  All of the training in the world still leaves me feeling like I don't know what to do.  Some friends and I are more convinced than ever that there is a starting place.  Let's call it what it is.  Gone are the days of charactures  in teen movies of the "mean kids."  Yes,  we love the exhilaration of triumph in the last moments when they "get theirs."  Rarely is that "real life."  So a new campaign must begin.  Changing the words is not semantics,  it causes those of us on the sidelines to take action.   What our kids need most from us,  is support.

Daddy's Step Up?

Paternity test as seen in a local pharmacy. 

Walking in to drop off a prescription the box caught the corner of my eye.  Did it really say DNA on the cover?  Nestled on the bottom shelf among the pregnancy tests,  there it was.  I took three steps back and had to see for myself.  Yes,  it really was a paternity  test.  Sold over the counter.  My heart sunk into my stomach.  Look above,  I was so stunned I took a picture of it with my phone.

Like you the first thought that ran through my head was, "Isn't this reserved for the likes of Jerry Springer or Montel?"   Shouldn't I be watching some strange unraveling live on reality television?  Then I thought of a young teen Mom who had a baby recently.  Certain of who the Dad was,  he was refusing to sign the birth certificate.  At 16 he simply didn't want a life long commitment.   He demanded a paternity test,  even though the girl "knew that she knew" it was him.  I prayed with the family through that situation.  No chairs were thrown across a stage while a brawl broke out.  It was the quiet desperation of the  "real" world.

The reality that you can now purchase this test simply,  taking it in the privacy of your own home,  speaks to so much.  I don't even know where to begin as my soul spins.  Getting into my car,  I slumped over the steering wheel and broke down sobbing.  "Lord,  is this where we are?"   My reaction was not one of moral outrage.  There is sin in the world and it is getting worse at hiding itself.   Honestly,  my thoughts kept going to the numerous teen Moms and Dads that I have known through the years.    Yes,  I realize not everyone using a paternity test is under the age of 22.  However,  as the generation I currently lead I wondered,  "What will it take to make this go away?"  At very least,  "What will it take to make them not need this?"

Here are my musings:


1.  Teach our boys what it means to be a Godly Man and our girls to be a Christ focused Woman.

My son is in early Middle School.  He is at an age where girls and boys start to whisper, "She/ He "likes" you,"  through passed notes.   It makes my boy extremely nervous.  Do you know who he talks to about this?  Not me.  His Dad.  He is constantly asking what it will take for him to grow up and be a man that follows Jesus.   My daughters ask me if I was like them at their age.  How can they grow up to be like Christ?   Raising a teen is exhausting (not all mine are even teens yet and I am spent).  There are so many questions all the time.  Yet,  they are beyond an age where,  "Do what I tell you,  because I said," works.  They are exploring, and pondering, and questioning.  Constantly.  They need to be shown constantly what a man or woman of God looks like,  acts like and thinks like.  We can't back down from showing them HOW.  As parents,  youth workers,  pastors, teachers and coaches,  we must surround these kids to teach them that having a baby does not make you a "grown up."

2.   No Compromise

There are so many choices to make in following Christ.   How do we live a life that totally belongs to him?  Stop making excuses.   I am not going to give you a list of do's and don'ts.  This is not going to be a rampage on the evils of technology.  It is how we use the items of the world that makes a difference.  Have we stopped asking,  "Will this choice bring me closer or farther away from the Lord?"  Has our attitude become,  "What can I get away with?"

 Here's my guilty pleasure-  dance games on the Wii.   Yes,  I like all the "Just Dance Series."  Most of the songs that are inappropriate we just avoid.  I noticed the most fun songs were from a particular group.  So imagine my excitement when Wii released a game with ALL of that group's songs?  One problem- I read a review that said the lyrics were not appropriate for "younger" audiences.  WHAT?  This is a fun, pop, dance group! So I looked up the song list and dug into the lyrics.  They were subtle.  Nothing as overt as,  "Go be promiscuous." But there were lines like, "Heading to the club with a Trojan in my pocket."   There were lines like this in almost ALL the songs.  We would be buying a game with the ability to "play" about 3 out of 20 songs.  But, it sends an oh so soft message to me and my family,  or to any of the teens or friends who come into my home and play the game.  I really wanted to get the game anyway.  Did a word here or a thought there truly matter?   Yet,  I can't.  One little compromise,  makes the next one justifiable and so on and so forth.  Can we start teaching our kids how to live radically for the Lord?  Not just in going out of your way on a service project, but in every day boring living?

3.  Belong to Jesus.

Yes,  many of our kids have grown up in the church.  I sat with a small group of teens last week,  many of whom I have known since they were at least 8 years old.  Each and every one in my group has heard the Gospel message more times than they can count.  Yet, when I ask the question, "Who is in charge of your life?"  Their honest answer is that they are.  Some aren't even sure that they want to give up that position of being in "charge."   By the time "churched" kids hit the teen years they have learned really well how to give the answers we want to hear.  That doesn't mean that they have taken the truth to heart.  It's sort of like singing along to a song on the radio,  and not realizing you know all the words.  You know,  the song you have never owned,  but you know all the lyrics?  It is on in the background so often,  that we simply can mouth along.  It doesn't mean we really think about it.  We need to be encouraging our kids to have an identity that is in Christ.  We need to show them how to belong to him.  We need to be honest that we don't always get it either.  It frees them,  when we admit,  we don't always get it "right." Teach them the power of relationship with this one that can protect them from turning a temptation into a sin.

4.  Stop placing blame.

The issue is fatherlessness.  No the issue is Modern Warfare 3.  No the issue is the parents don't care.  No the issue is the children's/youth/college pastor/ministry.   There is no one "thing" that is at fault.  I am finding in Christianity these days we are all standing around pointing fingers at each other.  This is "why" kids are leaving the faith.  No that's it.  Let's face it.  It's all of it.  I was struck recently when listening to the testimony of a Kansas City tattoo artist.   He talked about how in High School he had a real and vibrant relationship with the Lord.   Then the world just got ahold of him.  It just seemed more "fun" to be in the world.  How can we help the world to be less enticing than Jesus?   There is no one "thing"  that is causing us to fall apart except the power of sin,  which has its root in Satan and his minions.   We need to stop focusing on the problems and start working towards a solution. Unity in Christ and towards him are the most powerful weapons against an unraveling generation.

I am not so naive as to think I have come up with the "formula" to stop the need for OTC Paternity Tests.  The only true combative of sin is a relationship with the Living Savior.   Even then sin won't go "away"  until he comes again and throws the deceiver into the pit and destroys his power once and for all.   However,  we have choice.  We can shake our heads and groan,  "What is this world coming to?" Another option is to pour ourselves out on the Lord's behalf into those around us.  We can stop believing in our hearts that this is "just the way it is."  Instead,  we can start having the faith not just the Christ can- but that he WILL change a life..

The Truth About Success.

It was about 11 PM.  Getting ready for bed,  John had a toothbrush stuck in his mouth.  That's when we heard a banging at the door.  My heart began to race.  Spitting into the sink,  we exclaimed simultaneously, "Who could that be?!?"

When you live in the "hood" a knock on the door at close to midnight is unsettling.  Well,  anywhere you live an unexpected visitor at that hour is nerve wracking.

The guy on the other side of the door just started shouting,  "This woman out here is crazy. Can you do something?"  We called the police.  Sure enough peering out our window was a parked car.  A gentleman we didn't know was standing on the sidewalk.  A half dressed woman,  was sidewinding around him wielding  a knife."  John, popped his head out,  "The police are on their way."   The woman took off running.  Shaken up,  the guy knocked on the door again.  I think he just wanted someone to stand outside with him and make him feel safe.  Apparently,  he had been down the block at a gas station.   Going inside to pay,  he had forgotten to lock his door.  When he returned this woman was sitting in his car,  shoving a blade in his face,  telling him to drive.   Knowing she wasn't strong enough to overpower him,  she demanded he drive to the street down the hill from us.  This area is a known drug infested, gang area.  We think she planned on getting some "friends" to fully car jack the guy.  Instead,  he saw our house,  pulled over and knocked on the door.  She stole everything out of his glove compartment and took off.

The police car was creeping up the street trying to catch the woman in the act of whatever she was up to as John and the guy saw them.  He  flagged him down with the usual surprised response we get from being here.  No it wasn't that he was in his pajamas.  We are "all wrong" for the neighborhood if you get my drift.   He spent some more time helping the "victim,"  and talking to the police,  before entering back into the house.  Finally,  we could settle for bed.  Laying there my eyes were wide and my thoughts bounced off the ceiling.

First I drifted to a couple of weeks ago when I surveyed a group of teens about their thoughts on their future.  I asked them a series of 15 questions. Wanting true responses, they were allowed to remain anonymous.   First I inquired,  "What is a dream you have for your life?"  The responses came back with ideas like, "Go to college,  become a teacher,  and become a lawyer."  These were students that were truly thinking about possibilities in front of them.   Question number 15 was,  "If you are honest with yourself,  do you really believe you will achieve number 1?"  Meaning did they really think they would go to college or be a teacher?   At least 80% of the answers were NO.   This means that most of the students want a "better tomorrow,"  but don't really think they will get there.

Then I started to ponder this weekend when I was sitting with a friend of mine whose children are all college age.  As she perused Facebook,  she noticed that a friend of her son's had died.  With a sadness she expressed,  "Another one of George's friend's died this week.  In the past couple of years we have lost so many to drugs, suicide and accidents." Just that week we had found out that a friend of my daughter's 15 year old brother had taken his own life.

Finally,  and very simply I drifted to thoughts on one student in my group who I can barely get to talk.  Getting her to share her opinion is beyond difficult.  Ask her a straight forward question that could include, "What's your favorite color?"  and she will tell you,  "I don't know."  She hides.   This week I found out her coping mechanism is to smoke weed.  It didn't shock me,  but it made me sad.

As my mind continued to race,  I thought of so many friends who have their own heart breaking stories of ministry.  Story after story filled my soul.  I began to pray for each of them.  I know we are all scratching our heads and wondering, "Are we truly making a difference?"

As we were drifting off to sleep,  I couldn't calm down.   What if the woman had, had a gun?   Turning to John I whispered,  "Why do we live here again?"  He smiled,  "It's one of these two answers,  I don't know,  or we're called.  Let's choose called."  I couldn't help but thinking we were placed there for such a time as this.  There isn't another person on our street that would have opened the door at almost midnight to that story.  They would have wanted to "stay out of it."  I started to see beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Holy Spirit directed that car to our house.

As I mulled everything over, the Lord used each to remind me of an important truth.  My role is to help teens remember their identity is in Christ. They need us to see them with a visionary eye.  The Lord has a purpose and plan for them TODAY.  He puts me where he needs me to be his hands and feet.  The goal is to become his reflection.  Finally as my eyes fluttered to a close,  I wondered,  "Am I really successful?"

Success is that we remain obedient to the call placed before us.  Success doesn't always feel successful. Most of the time it is about showing up at the place and time that Christ told us to go.  More accurately, it is about falling in love with Jesus fresh daily.  Then all we can do is live for him,  the way he asks us to.

In America it is hard to treat small triumphs as ultimate victories.  The march of the faithful in Hebrews 11 does not smack of the famous and glorious.  (I encourage you to read it HERE) Instead it is a list of those who believed fully in what they couldn't see.  If I am honest I had to go look up Jephthah,  as he is named as a "hero."    Our final charge are the ways that these people of faith lived ridiculed lives, often ending in death.  This is hardly the portrait of US success.  Yet,  this passage brought me to tears:

"All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth.  Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own.  If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back.  But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." (vs. 13-16)

The greatest achievement I will ever have is to look to the Lord.  I may never get to "see"  accomplishments  with my eyes.  Sarah and Abraham gave birth to one son.  Isaac had two sons.  They went on to have dozens.  Yet,  in their lifetime this is hardly,  a people numbering more than the "sands on the seashore."  God said it,  they believed it,  he did it.

The truth about most of us is that in view of the world we will never gain a trophy.  Yet,  becoming a city on a hill that shines its light is too bright to be ignored.  It might be a beacon to a car ride in panic. It might be the spark to ignite a generation.  When it feels like we are "doing" nothing we need to know we aren't home yet.  Here on earth success isn't successful at all.   That night I dreamed of of a place where all there is to "do" all day is sing love songs to a Savior.  Now that it is a goal worth waiting for.